TrunkBunker Home

1901. "Academia"

~Sia

TrunkBunker's always found academia annoying and unnecessary. The deadlines, the stress, all that work... how is that supposed to prepare you for life in the real world? It's inconsequential, really, and should be replaced with lessons in life... drinking, playing video games, surfing the old interweb (especially the art of arguing on message boards), sport, gambling... these are the things that will get you through life. Oh, and drugs. Lots of drugs.

1904. "From the Air"

~Laurie Anderson

Is it a bird? No? Is it a plane? No again? Wait, is it Batman? No..... Hmmm... Is it a car? A giant squid? Dirt? No?.... Hmmm.... No, don't tell us, we'll get it. How about computers? No? Compound sentences? Wait, we got it... it's chipotle salsa, isn't it? No? Really? We were just sure that was it. Ummm... Oh, is it track lighting? Money? Styrofoam peanuts? No... OK fine, we give, what is it? Jalapeno salsa, of course, it's so obvious now.

1905. "Feeling Good"

~Muse

We've always claimed to be slightly better than Muse, and though it's been a frustrating thing to prove, we've finally gained the ammunition we've always needed. Why? Because we're feeling great. Feeling 'good' is for pansies.

1909. "A Regular Bonnie & Clyde"

~Headset

So, this is the story of an average Bonnie and Clyde, right, Headset? A Bonnie and Clyde who were clearly less spectacular than the originals, as they were most certainly not 'regular'. So what you're saying, and correct us if we're wrong, is 'listen to our tale of a Bonnie and Clyde who weren't anywhere near as remarkable as the real ones but who nonetheless we want to sing a song about', right? We offer lessons, Headset, in the art of gripping storytelling (call for pricing, first session half price!), and one of our first rules is avoid 'poor man's' comparison tales. For instance, a story was once submitted to us about Forrest Gump's long lost brother Felix who wasn't stupid and lived a completely ordinary life... you know, bitter, sad, angry, and interspersed with fleeting moments of happiness. Boring.

1911. "Sex Type Thing"

~Stone Temple Pilots

TrunkBunker never piloted a stone temple, but if it's anything like the lead zeppelin we once piloted, prepare to hear about it on the news.

1912. "Blitzkrieg Bop"

~The Ramones

So, is this supposed to be the soundtrack to the 'fast war', or blitzkrieg? Cause it feels more like trench warfare, you know? Maybe Stellungskrieg Bop would have been more appropriate, no? We're just sayin'.

1916. "Vultan's Theme (Attack of the Hawk Men)"

~Queen

Oh no, not the Hawk Men. We're shaking in our boots... whatever will we do? (And just in case the sarcasm isn't dripping through our words, let us assure you, we intend it). Let's face it, the Hawk Men are staggeringly weak. They've gone 49 years without winning an NBA championship, 2nd longest streak in the league. They've recently finished a dubious run of the most consecutive 50 loss seasons (which they finished by 'only' losing 45), and, until squeaking into the playoffs with a losing record in 2008 (37-45) which was more a product of their lousy division than any sign of real success, they had the longest stretch of seasons without making the playoffs, at eight. So you say the Hawk Men are attacking? We say bring it on.

1920. "Alpha Beta Gaga"

~Air

Ah yes, alphabetical gibberish. We've developed a few doozies ourselves, Air. Like Zhe Shcha Yussa, for instance (that's Cyrillic for you chumps), or Alif Gayn Wawa (Arabic), or even Dalath Zain Yudhassa (Aramaic). Our favorite, though, is still Ess Eee Exexex...

1921. "Normandie"

~Shout Out Louds

OK frankly fellas (and lady), this is a fucking library. Shouting out loud is the opposite of the way things work here. So please, please.... SHUT THE FUCK UP!

1925. "We Have You Surrounded"

~Southeast Engine

HA! Hardly. Oh, you may think you have us surrounded, due in large part to the fact you totally encircle us, but we have evolved to move fluidly in all three dimensions. So when we use our incredible vertical leap, or 'ups' as we like to call them, to leap over your feeble circumference, don't say you weren't warned. And try not to gawk at us with awe and wonder... it's not very becoming on an adversary.

1930. "Sentiments vs. Syllables"

~The Russian Futurists

We're gonna go out on a limb here RF and take the Syllables in a minor upset. They're in a good run of form, they just got Eight back from suspension, and it looks like they're finally starting to adapt to the new system installed by their new manager, Mora Tone'. On the flip side, the Sentiments have lost Anger to suspension, and Ambivalence, while back, has been slow in recovering from his injury. Jubilation has done his part to pick up the slack, but like we said RF, we like the Syllables today.

1931. "Take it Like a Man"

~Joe Jackson

We note, despite its stature as a cliche', an air of sexism in the phrase 'take it like a man'. And what does it mean? Oh, we know what you think it means, but take childbirth for instance... does 'take it like a man' mean pass out? And wouldn't 'take it like a woman', in this instance, be the real complement?

And no, we're not just asking cause we cry a lot. Stuff hurts though sometimes.

1933. "A Postcard to Nina"

~Jens Lekman

TrunkBunker managed to get a copy of the text from this famous postcard:

Dearest Nina,

I'm afraid there's not much time for pleasantries my dear, so I'll get right to it. I've discovered something... I hesitate to say what it is, as there will most certainly be people looking for it, but know that it will solve all of our problems. It's a glorious thing, dearest, you won't be able to believe your eyes. We'll discuss it more later, for now I need to give you some numbers: 12, 78, 3, 562, 91, and 7. Memorize them as quickly as possible and destroy this postcard, as if they find me (and they might), they'll find you, and we can't have any evidence. I'll be with you soon, my love, and life will be better.

Yours,
Jens

And now you know why the Swedes rule the world.

1936. "Wrong Way"

~Sublime

Look, you have your way, we have ours, and just cause you use your years of rigorous study and established expertise, and we use eenie-meenie-miney-moe, doesn't mean that one way is better than the other. In fact, it probably means that one is worse. Don't act like you don't know which one.

1940. "She Loves Me Not"

~Faith No More

Alright, we didn't want to say anything, but it's your grammar. She might love you... might... if you corrected your antiquated style of speech. For instance, she loves me not should be she does not love me. Sure, it adds a word, which goes against our affinity for abridging, but you know what they say... chase an elitist woman, adhere to the whims of an elitist woman. And forgive our pedanticism, but if you want to bed this lass, you might consider a name change to No More Faith. We're just sayin'.

1941. "Dirty Life"

~Ima Robot

If you're really a robot, wouldn't you be programmed for clean living? We distinctly remember a proviso from the Nemuro Accord, that calls for, and we quote 'all robots and future robots to be programmed to service the human race and to behave in a manner becoming a gentleman'. Yes, maybe it was an over-reaction to Bender from Futurama, though he be cartoon, and his vile ways... but we don't write the laws... we just enforce... no, we don't do that either... we just suggest that you follow them. That's what we do.

1945. "Christmas in Hollis"

~Run DMC

TrunkBunker missed Christmas in Hollis, but we once had the pleasure of spending Halloween in Hollis. Oh, did we say pleasure? What we meant was horrible diarrhea-inducing nightmare. See, it was on Halloween in Hollis that we were first introduced to the wonders and gastrointestinal prowess of Kennedy Fried Chicken... you know... we're sorry, we can't go on. The memories are just too painful.

1949. "Different But the Same"

~Superthriller

OK, this feels like the third or fourth time we've gone over this... and yet all you musicians (and probably literary types), in an effort at some sort of linguistic trickeration, keep violating what has been fairly rigid language law for hundreds of years. Nothing can be different but the same. It's, and here's a word your fancy studies must have missed, impossible. See, when two words are opposite it means that they are directly opposed to one another. They're mutually exclusive possibilities... one can't be without the other. And yet you fancy-pants linguists keep trying to twist the language to make it so. Say there are certain aspects of two things that are different, and certain aspects that are the same... for example... a man and a woman (different) both from Poland (same). You can't just make the selfish grammatical leap to different but the same without confusing an entire populace of English speakers... especially emerging English speakers. It sets a bad example. So we beg of you, inteligencia, stick with haikus and portmanteaus and give the opposite-fraud a rest. Thank you.

1951. "Melissa"

~The Allman Brothers Band

We can't be sure, but we're sure the Melissa in question is Melissa Anderson, AKA Cheerleader Melissa, AKA Raisha Saeed. It makes sense, despite some factual quandaries (such as her birthdate, a full ten years after the release of the song), and will probably be more widely accepted as fact following our promotion here. Fact is, she's the awesomest Melissa around, hence the most deserving of song. With a repertoire that includes the Vertebreaker, the Moonsault, and the Samoan Drop, can anyone doubt her powers of awesomeness? Of course not. And more importantly, can anyone doubt that this song was written specifically for her? It would seem reckless, at best.

1955. "Card Nation"

~Susumu Yokota

And, if we may, what are this nation's policies on immigration? Uh-huh, uh-huh... oh really? That is interesting. Well no, we've never technically won one, but we have made the final table numerous times. Oh, come on. Listen, it's only cause we take the worst beats in the history of the game. Listen to this one, we got dealt suited kings and... hello? Hello?

1961. "The Stars of Track & Field"

~Belle & Sebastian

TrunkBunker, clearly a star in the merciless struggle that is Racewalking, appreciates the effort by Belle and Sebastian to shed some light on us and our peers. What? Well of course we include ourselves, we were meant to be included. Well no, they never mentioned us by name, but surely due to time constraints. Look, anything written about the stars of track and field is going to include us by default... it may not be obvious, it may not be subtle, but it is most certainly there somewhere.

1965. "The End Has No End"

~The Strokes

Sigh... You musicians just never learn, do you. The end, by definition, is the end. HOW CAN IT HAVE NO END! Alright, alright, calm down TB. It's just, all this linguistic chicanery is bringing us down. At what price clever? At the risk of confusing millions? We don't like it, no sir. So here's our suggestion, when you're singing along to this song, substitute 'the end is the end' during the chorus. Logical, sensible, and just as catchy.

1969. "The Prince"

~Metallica

At varying times, we've been called the Prince of Unbelievable Awesomeness, the Prince of Ordering Things, the Prince of Racewalking, the Prince of Guides, Prince Farming (due to a former occupation of ours), Prince Keen, the Prince of Substantial Gains, and the Prince of Subprime Mortgages (an advertising gimmick again associated with a former occupation, we admit, but in the interest of full disclosure...). Prince Bagablonde, though often attributed to us, is actually a nickname of our bitter rivals JugDugout, and also totally and thoroughly undeserved.

1973. "La Pump"

~Smoosh

Many an ankle were broken by TrunkBunker while wearing the original Reebok Pump. So many, that our local Sunday league banned our using them due to fears over lawsuits and such. This only served to motivate us to dominate just as systematically while wearing Tiddies just to prove our point... which, as you might have guessed, led to their banishment as well, at least when on our prodigious feet. Angry and driven, we continued to dictate play, this time with one leg tied to the other, and one arm tied behind our back. This infuriated the powers that be, who rather than bar rope, they simply barred TrunkBunker from any further competition... which of course, just led to them being dominated by our lawyering skills when we sued their asses, won back our right to play, and commenced with the Reebok Pump-assisted ankle breaking.

1977. "Born Slippy .NUXX"

~Underworld

Fairly straightforward, fascinating story associated with this one. See, the original single was just called 'Born Slippy', with the '.NUXX' version being the B-Side. But the '.NUXX' version blew up thanks to the movie Trainspotting and was thus given the full single treatment, etc... The interesting part to us came from the answer to the question; 'What the fuck does .NUXX mean?'. Turns out, an error on the computer where they were storing the files for these songs added this suffix to them. They continued to work on them with the suffix and decided to just leave it on. Bitchin' info, eh? Yup, that's what we do.

1979. "Horse & I"

~Bat For Lashes

Forgive our ignorance, but it seems to us that whether it be a cricket bat, baseball bat, or just a plain old bat, having them for eyelashes would be an extremely trying experience. The sheer weight of the cricket or baseball bat would cause the eyelids to sag and make blinking nigh on impossible, while the, ahem, aliveness of the actual bat (chiroptera, for you sticklers) poses its own problems, namely the scratching of the face, the tugging on the lids, and the general nuisance that comes with having something with claws that can fly stuck to your face. Your luck is turning, though. See, TrunkBunker dabbles in plastic surgery on the side, and while we can guarantee success, we can also guarantee a lack of drooopy, wrinkled eyelids or permanent, disfiguring scratches covering your face. Now as to our fee...

1982. "Love For Sale"

~Barney Kessel

That's right, Now 40% off! And if you act now, we'll throw in selflessness, sympathy and changing ourselves, all free of charge! So you get the love, the selflessness, the sympathy and us changing ourselves all for 40% off the price of love! But wait, there's more! The first one hundred people to call in will also receive this coupon book full of feelings that we will express on demand! So that's the love, the selflessness, the sympathy, us changing ourselves and the feelings coupon book all for a ridiculously low price. But hurry, supply is (extremely) limited.

1984. "The Most Beautiful Girl"

~Datarock

TrunkBunker, somewhat of a genius, has developed (in some cases, simultaneously with others) many methods for extracting data from rocks. For instance, through in-situ microsampling, isotopic information can be recovered from mineral growth zones (keeping in mind that core-to-rim profiles are records in time of a crystal's growth and evolution). We also analyse melt inclusions, since they are obviously an instantaneous print of the melt composition at the time of trapping. Additionally, to recover the conditions of growth and evolution (and to establish the presence of mixed populations), we analyse the distributions and shapes of crystals. And why are we doing this, you didn't ask but should have? Easy. because we can.

And also to hopefully be able to quantify magmatic processes and their rates. But mostly because we can.

1988. "History Song"

~The Good, The Bad & The Queen

The 'History Song' clocks in at 3 minutes, six seconds. Hardly enough time to cover history. If TGTBTQ had called it 'The Some of History Song' or 'The Partial History Song' then OK, we could get behind that, but 'The History Song'? In 3 minutes and 6 seconds? We don't think so... but we wanted to make sure, so we did the research and discovered that it would take at least a 9 minute song to cover the history of the world. So yeah... 3 minutes, 6 seconds? Not even close.

1993. "Washitup!"

~Mr. Lif

Ah yes, washitup, where three words become one. We enjoy the practice of mashing words together, evidenced by our treatment of the words trunk and bunker not to mention our affinity for 'methinks', improper English and all... but Mr. Lif raises the bar at least three levels with the tri-word mashup, and TrunkBunker had to spend some time and effort attempting to equal the feat. Did we pull it off? Ofcoursewedid (four words, beat that Mr. Lif!). Soinsum, triplewordsand evenquadruplewords aresimplefor someonewithour extremelyhighlevels oflinguisticability. Don't front.

1997. "A Lot Like You"

~Mittens

Oh yeah? Can you hammer a six inch spike through a board with your penis? Can you vogue? Do you run a website that's loved and adored by millions? Do others often swoon when in your presence? Do you come with a warning label that says 'objects in front of you are sexier than they appear'? Can you solve complex algorithms without the data... by hand? Are you the default mold for statues created by famous sculptors? Is it in you?... No, it's not. Look Mittens, you talk a good game, and you got the appeal, but you gotta look deep down inside and ask yourself... are you sexy enough to be like TrunkBunker? Are You? ARE YOU? Deal with it.