TrunkBunker NFL 2008

NFC North

1. Minnesota Vikings

Let's see... stout offensive line? Check. Good running game? That's
a big old check. Impenetrable run defense? You betcha... check.
Pass rush? Now that they've added Jared Allen, give 'em the check
mark. Linebacker play? Well, it's not their strength, but it's not really
a weakness either... let's check it. Secondary? Uh, well... see, they
added some guys... Madieu Williams, Michael Boulware, Tyrell
Johnson, Benny Sapp... but, uh, they're kinda just guys (except
maybe Johnson, the highly-thought-of rookie), so no, we're not
gonna 'em the check. That's not to say it couldn't turn into a
strength (or at least, not a weakness), but for now, you gotta say,
teams are gonna throw throw throw. Of course, that's part of the
reason they got Allen. Quarterback? Hmmm... it depends. We like
Tavaris Jackson, and we think he's capable of leading this team, but
will he even get the opportunity? It's pretty clear they had the
proverbial... boner? for Favre, and while he may have helped in the
short term (may), what of Jackson's long term prospects? No, we
can't say we liked it. And who's to say they won't go for someone
else? Where's the confidence, huh? They should just stick with
Jackson... and as you should have learned by now, we're always
right, so Vikings, pay heed. Oh and don't worry... we didn't forget
wide receiver. So what do you guys think... check or no? They
added a deep threat during the offseason (Bernard Berrian), and he'll certainly keep teams from a 100% sellout against the run, but let's face it, this team's going to live and die by the run. So we're not going to give them a check, but we're not sure it matters.

As for head coach Brad Childress, they were markedly better in his second year than his first. Of course, it certainly helps to have a guy like Adrian Peterson fall into your lap, but we like him, especially when we read stuff like this. So as a person, he's top notch. As a coach, so far, so good.

Season hinges on: Obviously, the performance of the quarterback. This is the classic example of a team that only needs to be "managed" (which is why the Favre rumors just didn't make sense)... that is, don't make mistakes, complete short passes on third down, keep drives alive, stay out of the defense's way... call it the Dilfer Approach. If Jackson can provide this, we see the Vikings having an extremely successful season.

2. Detroit Lions

Now, we know what you're thinking. We hear your nagging questions...
"are you alright, TB?" "Did you get kicked in the head one too many
times?" "Sniffing glue again?" (For the record, no. Glue-free for 6
months!) "Are you an idiot?" OK, OK. First, we're not idiots... and
suggest so at your own peril. Second, hear us out. Because rather
than a nod to the Lions strength, it's more an homage to the impotence
displayed by the rest of the division. Yes, the Lions have their question
marks. Quarterback. Defensive line. Linebacker. Secondary. Running
Back. Basically, everywhere except wide receiver (surprise surprise).
Not to mention the general malaise that's plagued the franchise for
going-on ten years. But they're slowly accumulating talent, maybe in
spite of Matt Millen, and not just wide receiver talent. Ernie Sims is a
star of the future. Gerald Alexander at safety had a promising rookie
year, and big things are expected from him. TrunkBunker has high
hopes for Kevin Smith, who we rated third amongst running backs in
this year's draft. And, well OK, he's a wide receiver, but by the end of
his career, if Calvin Johnson isn't mentioned in the same breath as
Moss and Rice, the Lions only have themselves to blame. So they
have some tools to work with.

Mostly, though, there's not much separating the Lions, Bears and
Packers (oh my!). So why did we go with Detroit. Simple. Rod Marinelli. We're not sure even the fans of the team know what they have in this guy. He's had to suffer through some on-the-job learning, and he's made his mistakes... but he gets it. He's a leader who has a vision and knows what he wants. Really, it's the Dungy blueprint, and it will bear fruit at some point, probably when everyone least expects it. That being said, we're not expecting a playoff performance, just steady progress. Which, considering their last ten years (i.e. After Barry, or A.B.), Lions fans shouldn't complain about.

Season hinges on: A number of things, actually, but how quickly they adapt to their new offense will play a major role. Going from Mad Martz to a ball-control, zone-blocking scheme is akin to going from steak to Spam, but hey, they'll both provide you with your necessary protein.

3. Green Bay Packers

Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you your 2008 Team in Crisis, the
Green Bay Packers! Every year, one team is so overcome by turmoil
that their season falls apart. Usually, said turmoil is some behind-
the-scenes stuff that we don't find out about until after the fact.
The Packers are taking a different approach. We believe the term
is "warts and all". Why Green Bay management was so stubborn,
we'll never know. They never should have pressured Favre for a
decision in the first place, allowing him to come back into a team
that was one game away from the Super Bowl last year. And just in
case those italics weren't enough emphasis, we'll do it again... one
game away from the Super Bowl last year. Italics two times, that
gets your attention, right? And why? To put their "stamp" on the
team? If so, it's the most selfish and pig-headed thing a
management team can do. That's right, we said pig-headed. Old
school, eh? And since they've handled it this way, Aaron Rodgers
will now be the most scrutinized quarterback the league has seen
in some time... even after trading Favre... maybe all the way back
to Steve Young. And Aaron Rodgers is no Steve Young.

And it's too bad, really. The Packers have talent, we saw that last year. But unsettled at the quarterback position is a recipe for disaster. See Ravens, Baltimore, last year. They went from the cusp of the Super Bowl in 2006 to 5-11 in 2007. We see Green Bay having a similar fall from grace this year. Hey, sorry Packers fans, we calls 'em like we sees 'em.

Season hinges on: Aaron Rodgers. There's really nothing else to say. If he can ignore the whispers every time he throws an incompletion... if he can handle the boos when he underthrows a deep ball... if he can keep it together as it gets worse and worse... then we assure you, we'll be the first to salute him. We don't see that happening though.

4. Chicago Bears

Aren't you pissed, Bears fans? It hard for us to see how exactly
it is your team cares for you. Constant holdout and contract issues
A general disregard for all things offense... from trading away your
best running back a year ago (Thomas Jones), to horrible drafting
of his replacement (Cedric Benson), to allowing Bernard Berrian,
your only threat at receiver to join one of your fiercest rivals, to
coming into camp with a quarterback battle of Rex Gross-man vs.
Kyle Orton... scintillating stuff, by the way... We know we'd be
pissed. Frankly, we're pissed for you. Because that's how we roll
here at TrunkBunker... we feel your pain and direct it in the
appropriate direction.

That being said, we're struggling to see how the Bears improved
from last year. Sure, they're healthy, so the defense should be a
semblance of it's former self. And they do have the best return man in the game, actually signed up to a nice, new contract. But let's be honest, Bears fans... how many 13-10 games can one team win? And that's if the quarterback play doesn't have a negative impact on the game. Also, while healthy now, the team is full of players who traditionally find themselves on the training table at some point during the season. Basically, the Bears play a game with the smallest margin for error of any team (save maybe the Ravens)... and that's with Rex Gross-man or Kyle Orton at quarterback, or, The Two Err-ers.

Season hinges on: Two things: health, and like everyone else in this division, quarterback play. If we're Bears fans, we're rooting for Orton, because while he's certainly criminally uninspiring, he's shown that he can, when pressed, pull off the aforementioned Dilfer approach... just don't lose the game. Gross-man can't do it. Too much gunslinger in there. All the turnovers with half the Favre.

NFC South

1. New Orleans Saints

So, here's the blueprint: Team A, we'll call them (or, the Mongooses,
that's a cool team name), comes from nowhere to set the league
alight, and gives great hope for the future. The next season, the
Mongooses, a little full of themselves and their hype, start slowly,
taken by surprise at the intensity shown by their opponents who no
longer take them for granted, and slow to grasp the focus and
concentration required to successfully navigate life as the hunted.
Now, as you've probably guessed (unless we're giving you too much
credit, TrunkBunkerians... we're not, are we?), the Mongooses, in
this example, signify the New Orleans Saints and their 2006 and
2007 seasons. Typically, a team that suffers through such a
disappointing fall from greatness bounces back, which the Saints
actually began to do during the latter parts of last season. They
also tend to start the following season with a Hummer-sized chip on
their collective shoulders, which leads them to excellence. In the Saints case, when you factor in the quality they've added to their roster to address their weaknesses, well, they just feel like a team that's on the brink of something special, you know?

First, trading for Jonathan Vilma, provided he doesn't have some degenerative injury (there were rumors of it during the offseason), was a stroke of genius. We'd say he'll lead the league in tackles, but we figure teams will be coming from behind aplenty against the Saints, meaning more passing, meaning fewer chances for tackles. He'll be up there, though. And drafting Sedrick Ellis to protect Vilma from getting swallowed up by offensive linemen was another excellent move. That being said, the Saints had too many defensive issues to fix them all in one offseason, and their secondary will bear the brunt of the pressure to make this an acceptable defensive unit. Sure, they signed Randall Gay from the Patriots and Aaron Glenn from the Jaguars, and they drafted Tracy Porter in the second round... but let's be honest here... unless Porter turns into something special (and we like him), these are stop-gap measures at best. To be frank, their secondary will give up yards and probably a few touchdowns. But, all the Saints really need to do is stop them enough so their offense can seal the game for them. TrunkBunker loves the move for Jeremy Shockey. We never thought he was as good as the hype coming out of New York (which, to be fair, was through the roof), but he's a quality tight end, and we all know how QB Drew Brees loves throwing to tight ends (see Gates, Antonio). He'll be the perfect escape clause for Brees, and if Robert Meachem can provide an adequate number 2 to Marques Colston, the Saints could have the best offense in the league. That's right we said it. And with Deuce McAllister back (not to mention that Bush guy), their running game is a strength. Yes, we quite like the Saints.

Season hinges on: Can the defense, specifically the new additions, do just enough to let the offense win games? If they hadn't made any moves on defense, we could have seen the Saints in plenty of games with 45-40 as the final score. Since the moves, we see more 45-28. And all you gotta do is win 'em.

2. Carolina Panthers

We want to love you Panthers... oh, how we want to love you... but
you keep pushing us away. We were tempted, despite our affinity
for the Saints, to show you the love and put your name next to the
number one. Alas, we cannot. We've been burned too many times.
Now, we'll allow that last season was unlucky, what with the injury
to Jake Delhomme, but good teams plan for this sort of thing, and
though you could argue that you "tried" with the signing of David
Carr, we would argue instead that it was, in fact, the definition of
"not trying". Hadn't the brass watched him play? How did they reason
away all that sucking? The long hair? Houston's smog? The negative
influence of Jason Simmons? Here at TrunkBunker, we follow the
K.I.S.S. method... Keep It Simple, Stupid. So when we see sucking
we generally chalk it up to sucking. Maybe it's shortsighted, but it
hasn't failed us yet. That being said, it appears as though the
Panthers might have stumbled into a viable alternative at the backup QB spot, as Matt Moore came on at the end of last season and impressed. Slightly dicey to use a guy with a little less than a 1/2 year's experience, but we think we can all agree... he's loads better than Carr, who, somehow, started for five years.

Hopefully, though, for Panthers fans, they won't need to worry about the backup QB position. Delhomme's coming back off Tommy John surgery, which isn't nearly the career-inhibitor that it used to be. If he's back to his best, and avoids the pratfalls of his gunslinging ways, the Panthers have a chance for a wonderful season. We wouldn't be shocked to see them in the Super Bowl. Steve Smith is one of the most electric players in the league, and while his suspension for the first two games certainly hurts, they probably wouldn't have won at San Diego anyway. And, in sticking to their up and down nature, they're fully capable of bouncing back from a slow start, as evidenced by their 2004 season, when they started 1-7 and almost made the playoffs. They've also upgraded in an effort to get back to their identity... smash mouth football. They added Jonathan Stewart in the draft (the "smash" part), who will split carries with D'Angelo Williams. In adding Jeff Otah to the line, also in the first round, they've strengthened their approach to running the ball, as he's a real mauler. All of this should help take the pressure of Delhomme as he works his way back to fitness. Defensively, though they lost Mike Rucker to retirement and Kris Jenkins to trade, they'll be as good as they've ever been, which is to say, above average to good to excellent, depending on a few breaks (and offesive efficiency). Julius Peppers is still around, he of the freak athleticism yet somewhat underachieving resume. He's liable to bust out for 20+ sacks at any moment, though. And Jon Beason at MLB could be one of the best 2-3 at his position. The secondary is strong if not game-breaking. The real questions will be on the line (besides Peppers, of course). Can Tyler Brayton be the player the Raiders thought they were drafting? Can Charles Johnson get it together? How good is Damione Lewis, really?

Season hinges on: Honestly? Two things. Delhomme's ability to recover... he's their leader, and the whole team plays better when he's at his best. And the play of the defensive line. We believe that, regardless of the player losses, the defense will be better thanks to the offense being better. They'll hold the ball longer. They'll have fewer three-and-outs. They'll put more points on the board. But if teams are able to run the ball and drain the clock, it won't matter.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

We don't care what anyone says... we loved the old Bucs jerseys. And
to call them effiminate is a slap in the face to effiminists everywhere.
Sure, the logo was a winking pirate... what of it? It was original and so
was the color scheme. Yes, the Bucs were losers in those uniforms, but
come on, it wasn't the uniform change that finally made them winners...
it was sound decision-making from Tony Dungy and Rich McKay. We
detest the modernization of all things classic, especially something so
recognizable. But... sigh... sign of the times, we guess. As for the
current incantation of these puke-ter Bucs (you see what we did there?
Took pewter and made it puke-ter? They always said we were brilliant,
and we always believed them), well, their fate can best be conveyed by
an examination of their last four seasons under Jon Gruden: 2007, 9-7.
2006, 4-12. 2005, 11-5. 2004, 5-11. Even their Super Bowl year was
followed by a 7-9 campaign. You can see where we're going with this,
right? All good years are followed by bad years... and, since they were
division champs last year and made the playoffs, it stands to reason
that this year will be a struggle. Look, Bucs fans, we're just throwing
some straight-up logic at you here. If it's the ramblings of the unsound
you're looking for, you can always go here . We're just sayin' what everyone's thinkin'. So relish in the fact that next year, you're beloved team will be in the hunt again.

So, what do the Bucs have going for them? Well, their defense, as usual, is excellent. In fact, this year's version has a chance to be one of their very best. They've done a wonderful job of replacing some of their old stalwarts... where once John Lynch and Dexter Jackson roamed, now Tanard Jackson and Jermaine Phillips lurk, two stars in the makings. What once was the realm of Warren Sapp and Booger McFarland is now manned by Chris Hovan and pleasant surprise Jovan Haye. Simeon Rice's role is set for Gaines Adams to take over, while unsung Greg White plays the Greg Spires part to perfection. And the middle of the field, patrolled by Shelton Quarles for so long is now under the charge of Barrett Ruud. Of course, not all parts needed to be replaced. Ronde Barber is still one of the better corners in the league, especially when it comes to the cover-two, while longtime mainstay Derrick Brooks still holds down the fort at the weakside linebacker position (and when he does finally decide to hang them up, his replacement, Cato June, is already a starter on the strong side). No, the Bucs don't have any problems on defense. Offense is the issue. Jeff Garcia is a decent quarterback, but you're not going to win any Super Bowls with him, and you're just as likely to go 5-11 (Cleveland, Detroit) as 9-7. Cadillac Williams hasn't proved that he can survive an NFL season (though Earnest Graham proved an able fill-in), and Joey Galloway can't keep going forever. They tried to remedy the receiver situation by drafting Michael Clayton, but all he served to remedy was all hope for a decent receiver corps. And their line won't win them any games either. They might even lose them a couple. So no, we're not too high on the Bucs until a) it's an odd-numbered year, and b) it's not an even-numbered year. Gruden is an "offensive genius", so maybe he can cure what ails the offense, but we wouldn't count on it... at least until next year.

Season hinges on: Consistency from the offense, specifically Cadillac and his health, and Garcia and propensity for stupid decisions. We're not banking on it. Oh, they'll be OK, but they'll be too up and down, and in this division, that's going to put them behind the Saints and Panthers.

4. Atlanta Falcons

We know, we know. Everyone's picking the Falcons to
have a great year, and even make a run to the Super
Bowl, but we gotta say, we just don't see it. First, have
you seen their roster? It doesn't have the look of a
Super Bowl roster. Maybe that's just us, but a rookie at
quarterback? A new running back? A new coach, for that
matter? No, this does not look like a Super Bowl team.
In fact, it looks like a last-place team to us. That's right,
we're going against the grain and picking the Falcons to
have a horrible year, and maybe the first pick in next
year's draft. You heard it here first... we just... hold on...
what's that? WHAT?!? Really? Oh, well this is awkward.
It appears, TrunkBunkerites, that everyone is picking
the Falcons to be awful. Hmmm... kind of makes this
whole thing we've just written kinda useless. Fuck it. We don't care. We're not changing it.

Subtlety, as an endearing trait, is something we apparently have to work on, and it's absence is the impetus behind us saying things like, "now we're going to tell you why the Falcons will suck as bad as any team's ever sucked." But then, if we were in the business of sugar-coating, we'd be making Jelly Bellys or M&M's or the like. But no, we operate in a sans-candy-shell world... we like to call it reality... and thus have this to say; their team lacks any real talent. Oh, but how they used to have it, in the form of a man named Michael Vick, maybe the most naturally talented player in the league. Alas, his arrest and subsequent jail sentence have mired this club in a malaise it will be difficult to break from... filthy rich owner or no. See, that's the main issue here, the pall cast over the team renders the talent impotent and unhappy... so much so that it tends to want to leave at the first opportunity (DeAngelo Hall, Patrick Kerney, etc...). So to say that they have no talent isn't exactly correct. They have talented players... the kind that tend to go on to other teams and find success, but who can't quite put it together in Atlanta. Those things being said, we like the new coach with the generic name, Mike Smith. No nonsense is what this team needs. Work on the little things and the winning will come. We also like Michael Turner at running back, but with a rookie quarterback (Matt Ryan) and holes all over the roster, we don't see Turner getting many chances to run the ball, what with the falling behind and the catching up and so on and so forth. Give it a few years and maybe this team will be competitive again. But until then, if you're in the cellar, you might as well find the wine and get wasted.

Season hinges on: All of the other teams in the league being caught videotaping their opponents' practices, thus being forced to forfeit every game. They've got about a 50/50 chance, we figure.

NFC West

1. Seattle Seahawks

The Seahawks have had a stranglehold on this division for the
last four years, or since the Rams began their slow decline, and
we don't see it changing anytime soon. Well, OK, we see it
changing next year, when Mike Holmgren steps down as head
coach, so maybe, in the grand scheme, we do see it changing
soon... we really need to start thinking these things through
before we start writing. Let's just say it like this; we don't see it
changing this year. There. That wasn't so hard. And now that
we've probably lost everybody's interest, we're just going to
ramble obscenities, partly because it's fun, but mostly because
it's how we normally speak. Balls. Big balls. Big hairy balls. Big
fat... what's that? Oh, so you guys are still there? Such loyalty.
If we cried, we might be brought to tears. Alas, crying's for
sissies, so we don't do it, but you catch our drift.

So we're really quite fond of the Seahawks this year, as you'll
discover soon enough. We've always liked Holmgren, and we
have this notion of him going out with a bang. Sure, maybe it's
a little romantic, but what, just cause we don't cry we can't be
romantic? And it's not just Holmgren. We like the way this team
addressed their weaknesses. First, we think Julius Jones is highly
underrated... he's one of those guys that needs to be shown the love or he'll get down on himself. We expect a bounce-back akin to his brother's, when Thomas got himself out of Arizona. And while they've never fully replaced Steve Hutchinson on the offensive line (and never will), the addition of Mike Wahle is a huge upgrade over whatever crappy player was there last year (yes, we know who it was, but is there any need to further humiliate the poor sap? He did the best he could... it just sucked). And the defense has always been a chaotic mass of frenetic fury, at their best flying around and pressuring the quarterback into throwing bad passes, which they seemingly always intercept. They are smallish, and can be run on, but they're so often in a winning position on the scoreboard that opposing teams find themselves having to throw the ball... which plays right into their hands. Oh yeah, plus the rest of the division sucks balls. Big fat hairy balls.

Season hinges on: The running game, and specifically, the performance of the offensive line. If they give Jones room to run, we think he's going to take it (who wouldn't, really?). And if they can dictate play on offense, then their defense can do the same. Yes, we like this team quite a bit.

2. Arizona Cardinals

Ah, the great tease. The Cardinals have just enough talent to
tantalize, duping many a prognosticator into picking them for grand
things. Ah, but we're no fools, Cardinals. We've seen it all before,
and until you give us something solid to go on... not hype, not
potential... well, we just can't give you the top spot. And we hear
all you out there, with your proclamations and your begging... pull
yourself together... it's not very becoming. "But TrunkBunker, this
is the year." Yeah right. "But TrunkBunker, look at this, and that,
and the way this over here compliments that over there." We're not
buying it. We've heard it before and we'll hear it again. Let's face
facts, OK? Now, we don't believe in curses, but we do believe that
teams can be damned, and no team fits that description more than
the damned Cardinals (oooh, this is fun!). See, the damned
Cardinals first damned championship (and one of only two) was
way back in damned 1925 (OK, we've had our fun with it), and
technically, they didn't actually win it. Here's how it went down; the
Cardinals and the Pottsville Maroons were the two best teams in the
league that year. But when they played late in the season, the Maroons hammered the Cardinals, 21-7, to finish with the best record for the season. However, this was during the years when Pro Football's popularity paled in comparison to college football, and the teams were seen as being inferior. So, the Maroons set up a game against Notre Dame (and the "Four Horsemen") in Philadelphia to disprove this theory, which they did, 9-7. Alas, another NFL team, the Frankford Yellow Jackets had already scheduled a game to be played in Philly on the same day. They appealed to the league, who forced the Maroons to forfeit all their games (seems unnecessarily harsh to us), leaving the Cardinals with the best record. To the Cardinals credit, they didn't begin to claim the championship until 1933, the very same year the team came under control of the Bidwells, who still own it to this day. And many attempts have been made by the citizens of Pottsville to have the ruling overturned, but the Cardinals (and Bidwells) not only won't budge, they block it from ever coming up for vote. So this is your penance, Bidwells... your team is destined to forever tease, until you give that championship back to the good people who deserve it.

So you see why, despite the talent you've amassed on the defensive side of the ball... talent like hard-hitting safety Adrian Wilson, pocket-disrupting defensive tackle Darnell Dockett and heat-seaking middle linebacker Karlos Dansby... and despite the nice selection of skill players you've garnered on the offensive side of the ball... players like electric wide receivers Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald, work-horse running back Edgerrin James and supposed-to-be-good-but-not-quite-living-up-to-it quarterback Matt Leinart... despite the fact you've collected all these players, you can't be successful, because of the Pottsville damnation. Give the title back, and things will begin to turn around, we promise.

Season hinges on: The Bidwells pulling their heads out of their asses and giving that title back to Pottsville. Even former commish Paul Tagliabue agrees. Oh, and quarterback play. As always, quarterback play.

3. San Francisco 49ers

We'll be honest, we find it intensely disappointing and mind-numbingly sad
when former juggernauts fall on hard times. It cystallizes the unpleasant and
somewhat ridiculous possibility that we too could fall from our perch as the
greatest thing going. Yes, yes, we know. It seems totally and completely
farfetched, in the same way it seemed totally and completey farfetched that
the 49ers would ever descend into mediocrity/insignificance. And yet, here
we are... that day has dawned. We blame the downfall on the DeBartolo
family feud, mostly, some wrong-headed decisions by former owner, Eddie
DeBartolo Jr. We're not gonna go into the sordid details (families read this
site, for fuck's sake), but if you're interested, here's a decent synopsis.
Seems Eddie got in way over his head. Of course, at TrunkBunker we learn from the mistakes of others (rather than repeat them, Bush Jr. administration), and we assure you, we won't be lining the pockets of any fat-cat politicians (unless... what will $7 get us?) or alienating the people who've helped us reach our lofty perch (though, in truth, they're basically clinging to our charisma like tiny charisma parasites). Oh, and also, Jeff Garcia will never be our quarterback.

So, how can the 49ers restore themselves as the dominant force in the league? Good question. They've been trying for a decade and, well, failing for a decade. Their latest idea was to bring in Mad Mike Martz as offensive coordinator from the Detroit Lions, where truth be told, he was a miserable failure. He might work better in San Francisco for one simple reason; the defense is so much better than it was in Detroit. Martz' offenses, by their nature, put incredible pressure on both the opponents defense, and his own team's. Quick scoring drives, lots of passing (which doesn't take a lot of time off the clock), and very few rushing attempts (Detroit was last in the league in 2007, 200 attempts behind league leaders Jacksonville... ironically, the second fewest belonged to San Francisco, though they still had 40 more). Martz' unwillingness to run the ball has been a contentious critique of his offensive play-calling throughout his career, and he will have games where he seems to run the ball excessively, just to spite those critics. Still, when Marshall Faulk was putting up all those great seasons, Dick Vermeil was head coach and Martz' didn't have near the clout he does now, so Vermeil was able to curb his passing tendencies. It wasn't until Martz became head coach that the charges of avoiding the run began to be levelled. And even when he moved on, he joined a Detroit staff with a new coach, and Martz was handed all the power to call the offense he had enjoyed as head coach. It appears to be a similar situation in San Francisco. A newer coach on the hot seat with little ability to control Martz and his play-calling. We'll see how it turns out. If Martz can find the touch from his St. Louis days, Frank Gore could have an outstanding year. At the very least, he should catch many more balls than Kevin Jones and Tatum Bell did in Detroit. As for quarterback, former first overall pick Alex Smith is in a real battle with Shaun Hill. Whoever loses the job should be prepared, as Martz' quarterbacks are asked to hold onto the ball as long as possible, thus ensuring an excess of bone-jarring hits. As mentioned, though, the defense, for now, is the strength of the team. We'll admit an unnatural sort of man-love for Patrick Willis, the kind that makes us feel just a little weird about it. But we can't deny our feelings. When his career is over, he'll go down as one of the ten best linebackers to ever play the game, of that we're certain. Whether anyone knows about it, is up to the San Francisco brass. Restore the dominance!

Season hinges on: How quickly the offense adapts to Martz' style, and the ability of Martz himself to use Frank Gore. Regardless of who wins the quarterbacking job, Martz should lean on the talents of Gore to not only keep defenses honest, but because he's their best offensive player. If they can pull it off, they have the talent on defense to surprise a lot of people.

4. St. Louis Rams

There's no reason for the Rams to be this low. They've got
talent, they've got proven coaches, they've got a rabid
fanbase and a recent history of success. So what gives? Well,
let's call it a mismatched, residual system failure. Does that
make sense to anyone? See, many of the Rams icons on the
offensive side of the ball were weaned on the bizarre system
of Mike Martz. We've got a sneaky feeling that because of
this, they've become system players... especially quarterback
Marc Bulger. Head coach Scott Linehan came in with the
reputation of an offensive genius himself, and yet these highly
skilled players, coming off successful offensive seasons,
haven't been able, in two years, to put it together. Now, we'll
give you that last year the team was besieged by injuries,
none more cruel than the one suffered by offensive tackle
Orlando Pace, which seemed to put the entire team into a
tailspin. That being said, they had shown few signs of
improvement, particularly on the offensive side of the ball,
and we would imagine Linehan has this year to prove he can
get the team on the same page. Obviously, judging by this
placement, we're not sure he can pull it off, though, if we're honest, through no fault of his own. They need to blow this team up and start an out-and-out rebuild... but that won't happen, especially with that fat new contract Bulger just signed.

As for that aforementioned talent... Stephen Jackson is one of the best running backs in the game, but then everyone who plays fantasy football already knew that. Pace, until this year the only offensive tackle taken number one overall (the Dolphins took Jake Long this year), has been a dominant presence on the left side of the line for over ten years, though his time is nearing an end. Bulger himself can put up numbers with the best of them, though he is prone to a mistake or two (not to mention absorbing way too many hard hits). Torry Holt has been one of the games best receivers since he entered the league in 1999. Leonard Little has been terrorizing quarterbacks for years, and 2007's first round pick Adam Carriker shows great promise on the defensive line, not to mention 2008 first round pick Chris Long. But the Rams have some Achilles' style weaknesses as well. First, their offensive line, aside from Pace, had major issues, as was demonstrated last year when he went down. The defensive back seven also leaves a lot to be desired, and their defense as a whole was in the bottom third of the league when it came to passing yards allowed, rushing yards allowed and total yards allowed. Their hoping that Long helps to shore it up, but the unit as a whole needs work.

Season hinges on: The offense should be able to put up points. They won't be the most consistent of units, and at times they'll put their defense in bad positions, but the should be able to put up some points. The real question mark is the defense. Can Chris Long make an impact? Can Adam Carriker push on from a promising rookie season? Does Leonard Little still have it? Can the secondary stop anyone? Can they stop the run? If they can, and say they move up from the bottom third of the league to the high-middle, they could shut us up and have a better than expected season. Be warned, though... the last guy who shut us up... well, let's just say he's the president of a major company, but only after having to deal with having his house toilet-papered. That's right. Don't mess with us.

NFC East

1. Dallas Cowboys

We have to admit, the marketing force behind calling the Cowboys
"America's Team", while not at our 'genius' strata of thinking, can
safely be placed in the 'kinda smart' section of our patented and
soon-to-be influential "Levels of Intelligence" aptitude chart, which
will be released as part of our thesis "Why Does Everyone We Deal
With Have Shit-For-Brains?; a Thesis on Thinking in 78 Parts... and
an interlude." Watch for it in scientific journals near you. Because on
the face of it, the idea that "America's Team" would be located in the
southwestern United States, within the borders of the only state that
still holds the right to secede, is laughable. But from a marketing
perspective, when you consider that giant country just to the south of
Texas called Mexico, it starts to take on a different, more 'kinda
smart,' kinda meaning. So we wonder... oh wait, we're getting a text
from Phinnaes... "rewrite it you idiots, NFL Films gave the Cowboys
the nickname, and it had nothing to do with marketing. Don't make
me come up their for the first time in my life." Well that was rude.
You don't think he'd really come up here, do you? No way, and you
know what?... No, we're not gonna rewrite it. We're tired of the way
he talks to us... well, writes to us... and we're not gonna take it
anymore. So, dear readers, the above information is incorrect. Oh, aside from our sweet thesis, which will be available for your pleasure very, very soon. Essentially, once we finish this.

As for the Cowboys themselves, our affinity stems mainly from the fondness we have for Tony Romo. Not in a Jessica Simpson kind of way, but in a "that guy's gonna be a star for a long time" kind of way. When a team finds its' quarterback, it has an elongated window of opportunity for success. Remember when they had Aikman, they were good for years. The Packers have been good-great for most of the past 18 seasons. The Eagles, aside from a couple of injury plagued seasons from McNabb, have been in the hunt since he's been in the league. Same for the Colts and Patriots. If you can solve the riddle at quarterback, you can almost piece together a team full of no names and camp fodder and be competitive. But no names and camp fodder are nowhere to be found on the Cowboys roster. As a matter of fact, on the surface, they might be the most talented team in the league. Terrell Owens, while a bit of a farce as a person, is one of the best receivers the game has ever produced. Marion Barber is a smash-mouth running back that warms the hearts of true football fans, and 1st round pick Felix Jones is the complementary home-run hitter. Jason Witten is one of the best tight ends in the game, and you'd stack their offensive line up against anybody's. On defense, the secondary is absolutely loaded, especially with the addition of Adam "Pacman" Jones (though we'll admit, Roy Williams is overrated), and DeMarcus Ware is one of the best 3-4 linebackers in the league. This team is stacked, and will probably be the heavy favorite to make the Super Bowl from the NFC (just not ours, more on that later).

Season hinges on: Let's see... staying healthy? Surviving this division (one of the two toughest in football)? Uh, avoiding the curse of Jessica Simpson? We don't see much stopping the Cowboys from making it into the playoffs, probably as a very high seed (kind of like last year, actually), so their season hinges on not having an off day during the postseason, like their offensive line did last year (though in fairness, everyone's offensive lines had off days against the Giants defensive line). If they can... Is that... IS THAT PHINNAES? OH SHIT! RUN!

2. Philadelphia Eagles

This space seems like the appropriate place to debate the wisdom of
Philadelphia's "City of Brotherly Love" moniker, what with the
notorious misbehavior of Eagles fans and a general disdain for
showing any kind of love to anybody, including their own players.
And yes, before you get too worked up, we know that Philadelphia
actually translates to "city of brotherly love" in Greek, but we don't
care. That doesn't make it accurate. If we changed the name of Los
Angeles to Landlocked City, would that make it true? Not unless that
earthquake that's coming is a real doozy. No, it was a very different
era of at least faux civility when that name was bestowed on the city,
and while we're certainly not claiming that there are no nice people
in Philadelphia (Bill Cosby? Is he nice? We suppose it's up for
debate), when it comes to the football fans, we feel comfortable in
our generalization. Thankfully, for the players and especially the city
at large, the Eagles have been a beacon of excellence over the past decade, with only one losing season (2005, the year Terrell Owens remembered that he is, in fact, a douchebag), winning the division five times, going to four NFC Championship games and one Super Bowl. This has eased tensions between Eagles fans and the rest of the world, but the peace is tenuous at best.

And this in an interesting (and possibly dangerous) time for the Eagles. They're on the brink of some severe alterations to their roster. Quarterback Donovan McNabb is towards the tail end of his career. So is Tra Thomas, the longtime protector of his blind-side. Brian Westbrook Will turn 29 just before the start of the season, fast approaching the expiration date for running backs. And super-safety Brian Dawkins is 34, well past the point when most safeties begin to see a decline in their play. That being said, we see at least one last push towards greatness from this group, beginning this year. They have slowly started to get younger at key positions... Mike Patterson and Brodrick Bunkley look to man the defensive tackle position for years to come, and Trent Cole at defensive end looks like a keeper. They also added rookies Trevor Laws (at DT) and Desean Jackson (at WR), both of whom, at various times, were supposed to go much earlier than when the Eagles drafted them. But let's be honest, this team lives and breathes by McNabb. When he's on form, they're one of the better teams in the league. When he's off (as he was last year, coming off a serious knee injury), they struggle.

Season hinges on: The health of McNabb. Is he all the way back? If so, the Eagles could make the Super Bowl. If he's not, like last year, they could miss the playoffs altogether. Keeping Westbrook healthy is also of utmost importance. He's almost irreplaceable.

3. Washington Redskins

This Jim Zorn fellow intrigues us. Composed, in control, has that way
about him, ya know? The last time we felt this way was when a young
Andy Reid began patrolling the sidelines for the Eagles. Understated
but passionate and from an offensive background. Yes, we think he's
on his way to great success. Just not this year. Oh, the Redskins will
be better than everyone thinks (everyone else, that is), mostly
because the talking heads are underestimating Jason Campbell. This
is the year he joins the elite. You heard it here first (unless Peter
King beat us to it... but he's got some sort of unnatural love for
Campbell). If the Redskins were in, say, the NFC West, they might
run away with the division, but as they find themselves stuck in this
vortex disguised as a football division, they'll struggle to make the
playoffs.

Owner Dan Snyder has resisted the urge to splash big money to fix what ails them, probably because he's been burned by it so much that he's singed said urge away. Building a football team is an organic process, and you can add the mercenaries once you've made the core strong enough to handle the mercenary ideal and ego (see Patriots, New England). The Redskins drafted, for instance, Jason Campbell, who as we mentioned is about to make the leap. They also drafted Chris Samuels, Chris Cooley, Laron Landry, Jon Jansen, and Carlos Rogers, all integral to the success, and core, of the team. Because of this and probably the leadership of Zorn (probable because we said so), we like the Redskins to be in the hunt every year for the foreseeable future... basically, as long as Campbell's around and healthy. Of course, some of Snyder's big spending ways have born fruit... The acquisition of Clinton Portis, for example, has been key to their success (though one could argue that Champ Bailey would have been just as important). Antwaan Randle-El and Santana Moss are the shrimpish starting wide receivers (they did, however, add Devin Thomas and Malcolm Kelly, two tall, rangy receivers, in this past year's draft), and Cornelius Griffin has been a rock on the defensive line since coming over from the Giants in 2004. Casey Rabach has manned the center spot for four years, London Fletcher-Baker has solidified the middle of the linebacker corps and Shawn Springs has been starting at corner back since joining in 2004. All that being said, this division's just too damn loaded for them to make a significant jump.

Season hinges on: The ability of Jason Campbell to quickly assimilate the new offense (he's run seven different offensive systems in seven years... but Zorn's is one he's familiar with). It's the same one he ran his senior season at Auburn... the one that propelled him into the first round of the draft. If he gets it, and we're betting he will, then the 'Skins have the talent on defense and at the skill positions to do some damage.

4. New York Giants

That's right, you heard us. We imagine this pick will make or break
our prognosticatin' for the year. That being said, you'd be wise to put
your hard-earned cash on "make". See, the NFC champs always fail to
make the playoffs the following season (OK, except Seattle, but the
frailties of their division have been well documented). Even the last
NFC team to win the Super Bowl, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, failed to
make the postseason the following year. And nobody ever sees it
coming. Until now. And except us. Part of the problem is the brutality
of the division. Another part is that everyone will be gunning for them,
and they won't be able to take anyone by surprise. And still a third
part is that the Giants, while an excellent champion, caught lightning
in a bottle (thunder in a can? explosions in a box? a comet in a bag?)
a bit, and will thus have less room for error. And, you guessed it, a
fourth part is the loss of inspirational leader Kawika Mitchell. He didn't
get enough credit, and his loss will be felt as much as Michael
Strahan's. Oh right, and the fifth and final part of the problem, and
probably the most likely, is the unforeseen. Take the Bears last year.
Cedric Benson couldn't replace the traded Thomas Jones, though the
Bears were sure he could. Injuries devastated the defense. Teams
finally stopped kicking the ball to Devin Hester, and Rex Grossman
lost the plot. Combine those things, and you get a team out of the playoffs. For instance, it's unlikely that Gerris Wilkinson can replace what Mitchell gave them, and not just in his ability to make plays, but his ability to inspire. We're sure the Giants do expect it, or they never would have let Mitchell leave. And what if Eli Manning, or Plaxico Burress, or Osi Umenyiora, or Justin Tuck have to miss a long period of time? Or if Manning reverts back to his pre-playoffs form? Sure, these things could happen to anybody, but it tends to happen most to the defending NFC Champs. We're just sayin'.

That being said, we fucking love defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo. Make no mistake, this was a potentially excellent defense until he took charge and made them one of the best in the game. His and his mentor Jim Johnson's attacking style is effective, and the players love playing in it. Frankly, we're shocked and appalled that no team offered Spagnuolo a head coaching job, and it confirms our belief that most of the people that run teams are unequivocal morons. And don't be mistaken, the Giants have a lot going for them. Umenyiora and Tuck (not to mention Matthias Kiwanuka) form one of the most fearsome pass-rushing units in the league, even without Strahan. Their group of running-backs is the envy of the everyone (we'd guess), if not a bane to fantasy players. And they might... might... have found their long-term quarterback in Eli Manning. We'd still like to see a little more than four games worth of consistency, but there's no denying his brilliance in the playoffs. But again, can they break the curse of the NFC Champion? We'll see (we've already seen, so really, you'll see).

Season hinges on: All that stuff we mentioned before. Can Manning keep it up? Can they replace Mitchell? Strahan? Can they handle being the hunted? Lots of questions, let's see if they've got all the answers.

AFC North

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

Judging by their draft this year, it appears as though the Steelers
have recovered from their bout with explosive amnesia. TrunkBunker
once suffered from amnesia, though it had more of an implosive feel,
you know what we're sayin'? What a riot though... we forgot our
potty training, we forgot to take our birth control pills, and we forgot
that we drink, heavily, to forget the pain. And thanks to the good
people of Canon with an assist from our asshole associates, we have
the whole thing on video. No, it's not going on YouTube. Back to the
Steelers... see, they lost their identity, but it wasn't stolen. They just
forgot it (at least their forgetting didn't cause them to shit themselves,
or suffer the agonizing drudgery of trudging on). Cause the Steelers,
the holding, grabbing, blitzing, smash-mouth, in-your-face, up-your-
ass Steelers, are a running team. Always have been, always will be.
So when Ben Roethlisberger's dropping back to pass thirty times per
game and dinking and dunking and chucking passes all over the field,
and when starting running back Willie Parker only rushes for two touchdowns the entire season, and when the Jacksonville Jaguars, AKA the New and Improved Steelers, walk into your house during the playoffs and pound the ball to a win... well... the only way to explain it is amnesia. Thankfully, the Jacksonville game snapped them out of it. They drafted bruising running back Rashard Mendenhall in the first round to be their new Bettis and take some of the heat off of Parker, they drafted Limas Sweed, a big, rangy tight end posing as a receiver, and they drafted offensive tackle Tony Hills to open up the running lanes even further. Yes, your grandpa's Steelers are back.

Now, if you will, we're going to get a little hypothetical on that ass. Let's pretend you're a salesperson. We know, we said pretend. So you're a salesperson, and you're a damn good one. Then one day you show up to work, and the boss has fired all of the accountants, and announced that along with your sales duties, you were going to be spending a good chunk of your time handling the accounting for your clients... billing and such. You'd wouldn't necessarily hate it, but you would struggle, as it's not your forte. But as time goes by, you get better and better at it until one day, you're every bit the accountant as the last guy. And you're still a damn good salesperson. Well, Ben Roethlisberger spent the past year becoming a damn good accountant. He was already adept at running a team, handing the ball off, making an easy pitch now and again (he did, after all, win a Super Bowl that way), but now, now he's much more skilled in the art of airing it out. Now he's added to his skill set. Now, he's virtually unstoppable. So in essence, the amnesiatic year did them a world of good, as it rounded their quarterbacks game out. The Steelers are now a major threat no matter what kind of play they call. When you figure they've still got Hines Ward and Santonio Holmes, they've still got Parker, they've still got Heath Miller, their line is still one of the best in the league (though the loss of Alan Faneca will hurt), and their defense is always one of the best in the league... kind of sounds like a first place team, doesn't it? Yeah, we thought so too.

Season hinges on: Their ability to implement Mendenhall as the thunder to Parker's lightning. If they get that two-headed monster up and running (HA!), they'll have one of the best offenses in the league. Also, they must stop the run better. It's ironic that Jacksonville, a team carved out of the Steelers image, would give them so many problems. They can't let it happen again.

2. Cleveland Browns

We've described Second Season Sydrome under the New Orleans
Saints' entry, don't make us do it again. Really? OK, how about a
synopsis? The theory holds that when a team takes the league by
storm, as the Browns did in 2007, the following year can often be
a struggle. They come out of the gates a little sluggish... maybe
from reading their own hype... maybe from believing it... and by
the time they've recovered, most of the season is gone. Also,
their opponents are more fired up for them, etc... etc... you get
the picture. Will the Browns fall prey to such a fate? We think they
will, but not so precipitously that they fall off the face of the scene.
Or, more accurately, while we think they'll struggle, it still won't
be enough to put them below the two bottom-dwellers in their
division. And believe us, we've loved the moves they've made
since last season ended. Shaun Rogers has the ability, in our
estimation, to be the greatest defensive tackle the game's ever
seen. Yeah, we just said that. And as far as you know we mean it.
The real question is, does he have the heart, and the desire, and
the drive for it? That was always his problem in Detroit, let's see
if it can be remedied in Cleveland. And Corey Williams should
team with him to form one of the strongest defensive tackle
combos in the league. Certainly, they addressed one of their
main issues from last season, their somewhat horrid run defense. As for their average pass defense, well they got rid of their best and most experienced defensive back, Leigh Bodden, you think that will help? Well, no. But on the plus side, we love what we saw from then-rookie Brandon McDonald at the end of the year, and maybe Gary Baxter can return to the form he showed before his horrific injury almost two years ago.

So what's the problem? Well, mostly, we're not sure what they've got in Derek Anderson. Is it the guy who threw 20 touchdowns and 9 interceptions over the first nine games, or the guy that threw 9 touchdowns and 10 interceptions over the last seven (including 4 in a must-win game against Cincinnati)? And if he struggles, or gets injured, what do they really have in Brady Quinn? That, we're sure we don't know. Jamal Lewis, who had a fantastic year, is quickly reaching an age when most running backs suddenly stop running, and then again there's that questionable secondary. And we hear you asking, "but TrunkBunker, if you think the Browns will suffer the Second Season Syndrome, why have you picked them second?" to which we indignantly respond "quiet you, we ask the questions around here" before pointing out the weakness of the division overall, and the fact that we don't think Cleveland will make the playoffs.

Season hinges on: The performance at quarterback, whether it be Anderson or Quinn. If one of them can replicate Anderson's performance last season, and if the running game can keep the heat off the QB, the Browns could repeat last year's performance, or even better it.

3. Cincinnati Bengals

In keeping with the tradition of the Portland Jail Blazers, the Chicago
Black Sox, and even the Monkey Hangers of Hartlepool United F.C.,
we wonder why any of these media types haven't come up with a
snazzy, print-friendly nickname for the Bengals and their marauding
misconduct? Sure, there's the Bungles, but that's a nod to their
former incompetence more than their current hard-partying,
law-breaking, suspension-happy ways. And if figures that, after a
google search, the Sports Guy has already brooched the subject
and offered an alternative... the Cin-mates (only to be trumped by
a reader of his who instead registered Cincinnattica), but those are
both plays on the name of the city. They could be talking about the
Reds or even the Jungle Kats of af2, for all we know. No, we need a
proper, appropriate nickname that plays both on the Bengals name,
and their deviant behavior. Now, for this little exercise it should be
noted that while most of the world pronounces Bengal like it's spelled (and often with the accent on the second syllable)... benGAL, most Americans pronounce it "bingle", and it is this articulation we'll be addressing today, mostly because, after all, this is American football, and also because it presents us with almost endless rhyming possibilities... for instance... um, well, if they were renowned for their jewelry and flashy ways, we could call them the Blingals... or if they were known to be mostly white dudes (like the 1980's Celtics), we could call them the Gringals. OK, OK, not exactly what we're looking for, but fun nonetheless. Um... if they were tasty we could call them the Pringals, or if they made sweet music, we could call them the Jingals, or the Singals. Alright, alright... we know, we're floating off-topic here, but free association man, give us some time. Ooh, ooh... how about the Illengals? Not too shabby if we're keeping score (and we are... we're always keeping score... and we're winning, in a rout). You know what, we're just gonna stop there, the more we read it, the more we love it. And now that we think about it, Illengals is pretty much the best nickname ever. We'd like to see you top it.

So while we were rambling there, we could hear you rudely in the background, murmuring and questioning our selection of the Illengals above the Ravens. First, what have we told you about questioning us? Second, interrupting us (or not paying attention... essentially the same thing in our well-written book) is akin to questioning us ten times, so you know we're gonna come down on that ass for that sort of shit. So here it is: do it again and you'll get no dessert. There, it had to be said, we're sorry, but you have to learn your lesson. Oh, and also, six months in the dungeon with the Rancor. You've been warned. Now, it should be said, we're not expecting much from either the Ravens or the Illengals. That being said, the Illengals are only a few years removed from being everyone's darlings to win the division and have a sustained run of excellence (or, in other words, like this year's Browns). We remember, and it's when teams get taken lightly that they tend to surprise. Offensively, we like what they have. Carson Palmer threw too many interceptions last year and at especially damning times, but there's no denying he's a talent. He just got caught trying to do too much last year. A lot of that had to do with the injury to Rudi Johnson. He may not be the most spectacular running back in the world, but he runs hard and he has to be accounted for. With him back at 100%, the offense should start to mimic it's glory days of two and three years ago. The loss of Chris Henry at wide receiver hurts, as he was a brilliant deep threat, but it will be offset some by the return of the running game (meaning the other receivers, you might have heard of them... Chad Johnson and T.J. Houshmandzadeh... should have more room to work), and by the drafting of two rookie receivers, Jerome Simpson (in the 2nd round) and Andre Caldwell (in the third). On defense, well, they drafted linebacker Keith Rivers in the first round, and uh, they lost safety Madieu Williams and DE Justin Smith, two of the better players from last year's less than stellar squad, so there's that. Head coach Marvin Lewis comes from a defensive background, and he relies on getting turnovers, so even if the Illengals defense is poor (and we expect it to be), they could stay in games thanks to turnovers. But let's not fool ourselves, their best bet is to outscore their opponents. Should make for a fun season!

Season hinges on: Two things really, the ability of the offense to bounce back and have a much more consistent season that last year, and the ability of the defense to get just a few turnovers. If those two things happen, hell, the Illengals could win the division.

4. Baltimore Ravens

The Ravens are at a crossroads. There's no two ways about it.
Their defensive stars are finally coming to the end of what has
probably been the longest period of sustained excellence on the
defensive side of the ball that the league has ever seen. Ray
Lewis is 33. Ed Reed will be 30 in September. Kelly Gregg is 31
and will turn 32 during the season. Trevor Pryce is 33. Chris
McAlister is 31. Samari Rolle is 32... even Bart Scott, the relative
newcomer who seemingly came out of nowhere is 28. And of
course, during the offseason, long-time offensive mainstay
Jonathan Ogden retired at 34. These are the guys who carried
the Ravens for the past 10 years, and they won't easily be
replaced. On the flip side, they have some promising young
players that they need to find out about. Like defensive tackle
Haloti Ngata, and quarterback Joe Flacco, and running back Ray
Rice, and offensive tackle Jared Gaither, and offensive guards
Ben Grubbs and Marshall Yanda, and safety Tom Zbikowski. So
the Ravens have the semblance of a youth movement, if they
wanted to go in that direction. Navigating this minefield is first year head coach John Harbaugh, and he has to decide the best way forward for his team. It's a tricky situation for a first year coach, but if the front office shows some patience with him, he'll have a chance of success. Now, the big question is, which way will he go?

We know what we'd do. Of course, we're not paid or scrutinized for making these decisions (though, in fairness, we could easily be, we've just turned down all approaches). Ideally, every coach would like to rebuild while staying competitive. Realistically, it's almost impossible to pull off, unless a there's a great quarterback manning the backfield (see Broncos, Denver). With that in mind, it wouldn't shock us to see the Ravens begin that process this year, especially if they get off to a slow start. And with Kyle Boller, Troy Smith or a rookie playing quarterback, a slow start is what we see, especially with three division games amongst their first four. So the Ravens might be mired down here in the depths for a couple of seasons, but nothing that general manager Ozzie Newsome can pull of would surprise us. They could be back much quicker.

Season hinges on: First and foremost, there can be no obvious decline in the play of the defense. If they're as good as they've ever been, then the quarterback, whomever that may be, can play it safe and not take too many risks (appropriate, considering the Ravens rode that formula, the Dilfer, to Super Bowl glory). If the defense begins to show signs of it's age... watch out. It could be a very disappointing season indeed.

AFC South

1. Indianapolis Colts

More than any other division, the race at the top of the AFC South
is the toughest to call. To say we flirted with the idea of putting
Jacksonville here is an understatement... we made it all the way to
third base, and though we'll never know, we're pretty sure they would
have let us go all the way. Body language, you know? Instead, we
solidified our commitment to the Colts, mostly because they're an
excellent team, but also because they were getting paranoid and
spying on us and stuff. You've seen Fatal Attraction, right? Well,
we haven't, but from what we've been told it was kind of like that...
and we'll take obligation to a nut-job over being stabbed or some
shit any day of the week (well, maybe not Saturday... uh, it
depends... we'll get back to you). From a footballing sense, what's
not to love about the Colts? OK, maybe Marvin Harrison's career is
winding down, but superstar Reggie Wayne is ready to step into his
tiny little shoes. And OK, sure, quarterback Peyton Manning is coming off the first surgery of his career, but come on, he's Peyton Manning... or did you forget about this? Well, crap. That was supposed to be a link to his hilarious Saturday Night Live United Way spoof, but it's been pulled from all of the old WWW. Apparently the internet police, or Interpol, as we like to call them, comes down rather harshly on copyrighted material being bandied about all willy-nilly on your various video sites. What's that? Oh, right... evidently, there's already another Interpol... you know, the band, so we'll have to call them something else. How about the F.B.Internet? Hmmm... it will have to work for now.

The fact remains, as much as many are ready to declare the Colts ripe for a bit of a downfall, they've still got Peyton Manning. As long as they've got him, they're going to win their fair share of games. And Joseph Addai, if he can stay healthy, is one of the best all-around backs in the league. A shade below Brian Westbrook and LaDainian Tomlinson in the pantheon of all-around backs, but that's certainly nothing to be ashamed of. And while there is a transition of sorts commencing in the pecking order at wide receiver, Wayne and Harrison will still be the top two, and Anthony Gonzalez should be much more productive with a year under his belt. Offensively, we don't see much of a drop off. Defensively, Bob Sanders returns at safety, and he's only one of the five best in the world at that position. At end, Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis return to wreak havoc in the backfield, while at the corner spots Kelvin Hayden and Marlin Jackson played well last year and should only get better. There are some question marks at linebacker and defensive tackle, but the Colts face these sort of questions every year (if you're going to spend all that money on offensive players, somewhere you've got to go cheap... the Colts do it on defense), and every year they've got some sort of answer. Don't be too surprised if rookie Philip Wheeler is one of the answers at linebacker... we were quite fond of him going into the draft.

Season hinges on: We could put this on repeat for the last ten years... the ability of the offensive line to protect Manning is by far the most important thing the Colts can do. If Manning has time, he's going to throw touchdowns. If he throws touchdowns, the opposing team has to keep up, which allows the defense to pin its' ears back and attack, exactly what they were built to do. Conversely, the only time Manning and the Colts really struggle is when the defense is putting lots of pressure on him. He'll make mistakes, and if the opponent is allowed to run the ball, well, their defense isn't built to stop that (except for Bob Sanders... that guy's a tank).

2. Jacksonville Jaguars

TrunkBunker actually has its' own team of
Jaguars. You heard us right. Our starting
quarterback is the '68 340 Small Saloon.
He's experienced and crafty, but still nimble
enough to avoid the rush. At running back,
we've got the '85 XJS. Not the shiftiest of
backs, but give him a seam and he's gone.
Our receivers are the sleek and slick '63
XK-E Roadster and the powerful yet refined
'50 XK120. The former is the deep threat,
while the latter is more of a possession
receiver. On the offensive line, we have a
full fleet of '39 SS 3-1/2 litre saloons, and
they've never given up a sack. On defense,
the '55 Mark 1 and the '09 XF (that's right,
we've had one for months now) excel on the ends of the line, while two '66 S-Types ably man the middle. A '68 420 crushes opponents from his middle linebacker position, the strong side is covered by his cousin, the '68 420G, and the '58 XK150 Roadster eliminates anyone daring to enter the weak side. In the secondary, the '08 XJ and the '54 Type D blanket the opponents' receivers from the cornerback spot, while the '66 Bertone FT and the '86 Series III XJ6 do the same from the safety position. Oh, and crush anyone that dares get near them. It's quite the squad we've crafted, we agree, and yes, they've never lost a game, which does fill us with even more glory, but we are concerned that they're getting a tad prideful and big-headed, and that the desire to win is waning in the face of a desire for more money. Oh, and also, the law might be onto us, which would of course require them to return to their rightful owners.

As for Jacksonville's Jaguars, while weak and meager compared to ours, they do hold up much better against the rest of the weak and meager NFL. To be honest, they're a frighteningly well-rounded team with very few weaknesses. But, note the "very few" disclaimer... there are a few... notably their propensity to play down to the level of their competition. It probably has something to do with their style. Smash-mouth, pound the ball, drain the clock, old-school football. You don't tend to put up as many points that way, and often, it can let lesser teams stay around (though we will admit, aside from a shellacking by the Saints and a meaningless final game loss to the Texans, they did a much better job last year of addressing this situation... that being said, it's a traditional knock, and one season won't make it totally go away). Last year it didn't cost them as much, but two years ago, though they beat the Cowboys and the Steelers and the Colts and the Giants, they missed the playoffs thanks to losses to the Chiefs, the Texans (twice), and the Bills, all teams they should have beat. And when they do fade to lesser teams, it tends to be the defense that lets them down. Well, head coach Jack Del Rio certainly attempted to address that situation during this year's draft, at least from a pressuring-the-quarterback standpoint, as he brought in two ends with their only high picks, Derrick Harvey from Florida and Quentin Groves from Auburn. Combine the heat those guys can put on quarterbacks with the presence of John Henderson in the middle, and the defensive line looks incredibly formidable. Their back seven has always been above average-good-excellent, and since they're basically covered by the same guys, we can expect more of the same this year. On offense, these guys like to run run run. With Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor carrying most of the load and Greg Jones opening the way for them, they pound teams into submission (case in point, Pittsburgh, twice, in Pittsburgh, at the end of last year). To top it off, quarterback David Garrard went from backup to borderline superstar in his first year as starter, making very few mistakes and generally running the team the way a team is supposed to be run. They don't throw it much, but when they do it usually works, since their opponents are so dialed in to stopping the run... and now they've added Jerry Porter to the mix, who's always had all the potential, but only fleeting glimpses of production. If it weren't for Peyton Manning, they'd run away with this division.

Season hinges on: First, not taking inferior opponents lightly. If they can win the games they're supposed to win, then the season will come down to their performance against the Colts. If they can pressure Manning (which is why they drafted the two pass rushers so early) they can easily beat them, and if they get home field advantage, they'll be a player in the Super Bowl race.

3. Tennessee Titans

So will Vince Young's collegiate-level dominance
ever translate to the pros? This is the one question
that must be pondered when thinking about the
Titans future. He's been up and down so far, but
he was likewise inconsistent during his first two
years at the University of Texas. It wasn't until his
third year that he experienced, what we like to call
(and are attempting to patent), the Breakthrough.
Everything came together for him, the coaches
teachings suddenly clicked, and he vaulted himself
into superstar stratosphere. Is the same thing
about to occur in his professional career. Yeah, we
kind of think so. See, he's now working under an
offensive coordinator who understands how to best
use a "running quarterback". And while there's
been excellent running quarterbacks in the league before (Michael Vick, Randall Cunningham), none have had the speed and strength combination that Young possesses. On top of that, he understands running the ball better than any quarterback we've ever seen... the cutback lanes, the setting up of blocks, how to avoid taking a big hit. He's gifted in that way like many running backs. The problem is, over time, he has to slowly morph into a passing quarterback if he wants to be in the league long-term (see McNair, Steve and McNabb, Donovan). There are some shots that just can't be avoided. Can he? That, we're not sure of.

But this year he's going to buy himself more time with his legs. You get the feeling the Titans are so paranoid about Young getting injured that they're keeping him under wraps... unable to do the things he does best. To make Young a drop-back passer is to take away the thing that can make him great... his running ability. He should be a running quarterback first, and a passing one second. Once he becomes more comfortable and confident throwing the ball, that order can reverse. What leads us to believe this is about to happen? Well, the return of former (and aforementioned) offensive coordinator Mike Heimerdinger (what a wonderful, wonderful name... you brighten up our day, Mr. Heimerdinger) for one, who helped Steve McNair to such success. Second, they simply don't have that many guys to throw the ball to. Everyone assumed they would address their need at the receiver position in the offseason... but they didn't. Why? Maybe because they have different plans for this season, eh? Ah, now we're starting to make sense. So they're loaded at running back, with Lendale White, Chris Henry and first round draft pick Chris Johnson. They're also relatively stacked at tight end, with Alge Crumpler and Bo Scaife. By the looks of things, they're going for a Jacksonville-style offense (or, old Tennessee offense, from the McNair/Eddie George heyday). That would certainly play to Young's strengths. Defensively, if defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth can stay on the field, they'll be at least OK. Everything they want to do begins with him. Jevon Kearse comes back to try and re-incarnate The Freak, and Keith Bulluck is still around at linebacker. Their secondary is young and nameless, but they've got some real talent, especially cornerback Cortland Finnegan.

Season hinges on: Whether or not Young makes The Breakthrough (patent pending bitches... steal it at your own, monetary, risk). They've been on the cusp of the playoffs the past two years, some of it because of Young, some of it in spite of him. If he makes The Breakthrough, they could contend for the Super Bowl. We're serious.

4. Houston Texans

In the interest of disclosure... we love the Texans. No, not in a
romantic, sure-you-can-have-the-last-pretzel sort of way... more of
a meet-us-in-the-broom-closet-in-five-minutes kinda thing. Alas, it
will never work out. They're married to a jealous lover of a division
that won't stand for any wanderlust. So they're stuck here, doomed
to a life of almost but not quite, of good but not good enough, of
maybe next year. OK, maybe not an entire life of it, but another
season, at least. And as it was an arranged marriage, we can't even
accuse them of making their own bed, etc... Hardly seems fair. But
then, all is fair in love and football.

"But TrunkBunker, what's to love? They've been below average-
poor-awful for the duration of their existence." We'll give you that,
they seem like strange bedfellows. But you have to look past their...
uh... past, and dig deeper into the changes in coaching and personnel
they've made over the last couple of years. It all started when they
hired Gary Kubiak away from the Denver Broncos. Widely accepted
as a future star as a head coach, he turned down at least a few
offers before accepting the one from the Texans (he was born and
raised in Houston). And for our money (typically the Maldivian rufiyaa),
he's done nothing to curb those expectations. Sure, he hasn't set the world on fire (thankfully!) during his first two years, but you have to look back to what he was working with (note your very own question, the below average-poor-awful part). They've come a long way since then. After hiring Kubiak, they made the bold (and extensively criticized) decision to draft Mario Williams over Reggie Bush. It looks more and more like the correct decision (now, the decision to pass on local boy Vince Young is certainly more questionable, as the fans will rapturously let you know, but at the time they weren't really looking for a quarterback, having at least some misplaced faith in David Carr... or at least, the new coaching staff wanted to find out what they had in him). Williams looks like he'll be one of the top five defensive ends in the league for the duration of his career, if not the best. Reggie Bush looks like a third down back. In addition, they drafted linebacker DeMeco Ryans in the second round of that draft, and he's already one of the best inside linebackers in the league. In the 2007 draft, they hit another walk-off home run with the selection of 19 year old defensive tackle Amobi Okoye. He could man the middle of the defensive line for 15 years! Fred Bennett, a fourth round pick during last year's draft, came on to replaced injured stalwart Dunta Robinson and showed glimpses of immense potential. Will Demps came over during free agency last summer to shore up the safety position, and Chaun Thompson heads over this year to do the same at linebacker. Offensively, they've added quarterback Matt Schaub, who, before he got injured, looked like the long-term answer at the position that they've sought since the first pick of the team's existence. They also drafted Eric Winston during the 2006 draft, who looks like he'll be one of the best offensive tackles in the league for years to come. And Owen Daniels was added at tight end during the same draft, and he's got some serious potential. Add these pick-ups to the few guys who were already there doing a great job... the aforementioned cornerback Robinson, wide receiver Andre Johnson, offensive guard Chester Pitts, and the Texans have all kinds of hope for the future. Regrettably, thanks to this heartless division, the future doesn't start now.

Season hinges on: While the play of Schaub is certainly important, the effectiveness of the running game will be the real indicator of progress. If Ahman Green, or Chris Brown, or Steve Slaton, can keep defenses honest, Schaub (and Andre Johnson) will have that much more room to exploit.

AFC West

1. San Diego Chargers

Rather than be deft about it, we're just going to blurt it out
thoughtlessly... we don't see what's so great about the powder blue
uniforms. It's not that we hate them, but we don't understand the
gratuitous amounts of love they receive. For those of you who have
no idea what we're talking about, go here and check them out. Yeah,
they're nice, but to listen to Berman you'd think they were made out
of sex. We will admit that, somehow and foolishly, our fashion sense
has sometimes been questioned, but if you saw the stylish threads
and unbelievably bitchin' kicks we were rocking right now, you'd
disagree. We look good, and more importantly from a style
standpoint, we know we look good. That being said, we are more
fond of the risk-takers. Like the Houston Astros, or Harlequins F.C.,
or J. Lo. Actually, list inspiration (or linspiration) has struck, so we're
going to stop there, but prepare yourself for an awesome, incredible,
edge-of-your-seat fashion-based list to be released soon. Watch this space. And don't expect to see the Chargers' powder blues on it... not that they aren't great, but have you ever stopped to think that, you know, maybe they're not all that great?

As for the team that wears the uniforms, man, the Chargers are loaded. Seriously, have you looked at their roster? How does one team get this loaded? The only thing stopping them from being a shoe-in as Super Bowl champ is the lack of a Tom Brady or a Peyton Manning. Not that Philip Rivers isn't good, it's just that he's not Tom Brady or Peyton Manning. And those guys still play for other teams. That being said, the Chargers had the gumption (and the talent) to knock Manning's team out of the playoffs last year, then gave Brady's team a real run for their money in the AFC Championship game (without Antonio Gates and LaDainian Tomlinson). Very impressive. And they're a very trendy pick to actually beat both teams this year (and it's hard to fault our fellow prognosticators, they look the business on paper). Questions remain though... how healthy is Gates? Rumor has it he's not fully healed, and might not be until well into the season. How healthy is Rivers? That knee he played on against the Patriots held a torn ACL within that required offseason surgery. Is he healed? We'll give you that mobility wasn't the name of his game anyway, but can he plant? And Tomlinson's coming back from the playoff injury to his knee (with a vengeance, we hear), how will that go? But we're quibbling. The Chargers are stacked, and could very easily raise the Lombardi Trophy at the season's end.

Season hinges on: Health. If the Chargers are healthy, they'll be in the hunt. In line with that, a legitimate backup to Tomlinson needs to emerge with the loss of Michael Turner to Atlanta.

2. Kansas City Chiefs

We know what you're thinking (and you're a dirty, dirty pervert,
frankly)... the Chiefs? The same Chiefs that were on "Hard
Knocks" last year? The same Chiefs that are coached by Herm
Edwards? The same Chiefs who just traded Jared Allen, and have
the questionable Carl Peterson as general manager? Yes, those
very Chiefs, but let us explain. See, first of all, aside from the
Chargers, we're not convinced by this division. Not convinced at
all. The Raiders are a mess (more on that later), and the Broncos
have had a bit of a tumultuous offseason. That leaves the Chiefs,
who we dislike less than those other two. Plus, they have some
redeeming qualities. Lamar Hunt, for one. What a great guy.
Their dominant history in the AFL, for another. Arrowhead
Stadium. The (in)famous Dwayne Rudd taking-his-helmet-off
game. The fact that they've never worn an alternate uniform, or
anything other than a red top with white pants or vice-versa. The
local barbecue scene. The fact that at the end of the Star
Spangled banner the fans sing "and the home of the Chiefs". The
live band that plays during games, and has since the Chiefs
moved to Kansas City. The fact that they play in a city officially
known as the City of Fountains as they claim to have the
second-most amount of fountains in the world (to Rome, again).
Oh, and how could we forget all that tailgating? Might as well be at a college game or some sort of giant cook-off. Yes, Kansas City has a lot to offer. What's that? What doesn't make any sense? What? Oh... well, yes... all of those things make the Chiefs a better football team than the Broncos or Raiders. Isn't it obvious? No? OK, what we meant to say is... we're getting to that, like, right now.

Larry Johnson, provided he can stay healthy, is a beast. We all agree on this, yes? Excellent. Now the question becomes the offensive line, which, for most of the decade, was totally dominant. Last year... not so much. But they drafted big Brandon Albert in the first round, signed Damion McIntosh to a fat (that's right, with an "f") contract, and they still have Brian Waters held over from that dominant unit. If they can can square away the center position, they should be much improved. They won't be as good as they were in the early part of the decade, but they should be serviceable at worst. Tony Gonzalez is still one of the most productive tight ends in the game, and Dwayne Bowe was a revelation last year. Already, this version of the Chiefs has more of a receiving threat than the offensive juggernaut from the early part of the decade, which only had Gonzalez. Now to the question of quarterback. We'll admit it, we kinda like Brodie Croyle. Why, we can't say. Just some things we've noticed here and there probably... but let's face it, when the Chiefs were rolling through teams, they didn't exactly ask too much of Trent Green. We feel like Croyle can match Green's production. He might not be quite as good, but let's see. And if somehow we're wrong (don't bet on it), Damon Huard is fully capable of managing a team. Asking him to win a game is asking too much, but asking him to "Dilfer" it isn't. We feel like they have the potential to average 24-28 points per game. Defensively, Tamba Hali is about to bust out of Jared Allen's shadow. That's part of the reason the Chiefs felt comfortable giving up Allen. First rounder Glenn Dorsey will be a superstar, if he can recover from his nagging injuries. It might not be this year, but soon enough. We've always felt Derrick Johnson at linebacker was underrated... he's not gonna set the world on fire, but he makes it relatively warm. Donnie Edwards, while old, is as savvy as they come, and will team with Johnson to give the Chiefs a possibly great linebacking corps, especially considering they added the criminally unappreciated Demorrio Williams from Atlanta. The secondary needs some work. We'd imagine the Chiefs will see a heavy dose of their opponents passing game (even more reason they need Hali to fill Allen's shoes), and aside from Patrick Surtain, who is certainly past his best, they have very little experience. We love the second round selection of Brandon Flowers and we like the third round selection of DaJuan Morgan, but rookies tend to take time. These will have to grow up fast... but at least the Chiefs tried to address their weakness... something other teams can, for some reason, learn from. There, you happy now? Does that explain it for you? Geez, you'd think we'd have a little leeway here, what with our years of service.

Season hinges on: Predominantly, the play of the quarterback, whomever that may be. The offensive line will have a lot to say about that performance, and the secondary will be deciding whether or not the Chiefs have to play from behind or not. So yeah, plenty of questions... will be interesting to see how they're answered.

3. Oakland Raiders

Is Al Davis the most interesting owner in sport? It's a list
we've toyed with making, but we inevitably come to blows
when debating the meaning of the word 'interesting'. For
instance, Paul Allen, owner of the Seattle Seahawks and
Portland Trail Blazers is intriguing on some levels
(Microsoft co-founder and semi-recluse), but in others, he's extremely typical (rich tech nerd, courtside seats at every game). So we have to decide what means more, our lists, or our friendships. Lists, for the most part, usually win out. In any event, Davis has to be in the conversation, with Mark Cuban, Roman Abramovich, the Maloof Brothers, Allen, Thaksin Shinawatra, George Steinbrenner, Donald Sterling, Russell Crowe and Mohamed Al-Fayed, to name very few. First, he's an owner who came up through the footballing side of things. We figure this could only happen in the old AFL. In 1956 he was the line coach and chief recruiter for the Citadel, by 1963 he was head coach and general manager of the Oakland Raiders... and by 1966, he was AFL commissioner. He returned to the Raiders in 1970 as general partner and head of football operations (which, though, he shared with seven other owners). When managing general partner Wayne Valley left the country on business, Davis redrafted the partnership agreement and gained almost total control of the team (just win, baby!). Valley sued when he returned but lost and sold his stake in the team. Since then, Davis has run the team, though he didn't even become majority owner until 2005. He's also been the team's general manager since 1970, a duty only he and Dallas' Jerry Jones fulfill as owners. His running feud with former NFL commissioner Pete Rozelle was the stuff of legend. Oh, and he once pulled 70 people from a burning house, holds the record for one-handed pull-ups while eating hot dogs (with his other hand, of course), and is one of only three males to ever grace the cover of Playboy magazine. Pretty interesting, eh?

The Raiders, however, since their 2002 Super Bowl loss to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, have fallen on hard times. They've been one of the worst teams in the league in that time span, and many think Davis has lost the touch in adding the players that allowed them to be a dominant NFL force during the 70's, 80's and to a lesser degree, the 90's. We'll know soon enough. JaMarcus Russell, the giant beast of a quarterback, was the first overall pick of the 2007 draft, and electric Darren McFadden was the fourth overall pick of the 2008 draft. The Raiders future success hinges on the performance of those two players. Let's hope they turn out better than Robert Gallery, the second overall pick of the 2004 draft who hasn't lived up to expectations at all. The roster isn't devoid of talent... not by a long shot. Nnamdi Asomugha, a defensive back chosen by Davis in 2003, might be the best cornerback in the league, and new signing DeAngelo Hall isn't far behind him. The safety tandem of Gibril Wilson and Michael Huff has the potential to be one of the league's best. Linebackers Kirk Morrison and Thomas Howard are two of the better, if lesser known, players around, and the line is led by sackmaster Derrick Burgess at end, but will feel the loss of Warren Sapp. The running corps might have the most depth in the league. Along with McFadden, Michael Bush comes back from the injury that knocked him further down the draft than he should have been, and Justin Fargas only rushed for over 1,000 yards last year after replacing the injured LaMont Jordan (who has gone to New England). And fullback Justin Griffith was once considered the best fullback in the league. So they're plenty excellent in the backfield. At receiver, Javon Walker comes over from Denver, but he hasn't played as well the last few years as he did with the gun-armed Brett Favre, and Ronald Curry is forever underrated but talented. And they have a future star at tight end in Zach Miller. The offensive line, much maligned two years ago, has turned into a decent, if not spectacular, unit... but good enough to lead Justin Fargas to over 1,000 yards in only seven games started. Then we come to the quarterback, Russell. We're higher on him than most, but not this year. He'll make some plays because he's so athletic and so difficult to bring down, but he'll make his share of mistakes too. Give the Raiders a couple of years, though. We like what they're doing.

Season hinges on: As usual, the play of the quaterback. We don't expect him to set the world on fire, but he might need to. The defensive line also has some questions that need answering, and if they do, the defense could be stellar.

4. Denver Broncos

You remember the days when Denver's running back was a sure thing
when it came to fantasy football? Didn't matter who it was, just draft him
and plug him into the lineup and watch the points pile up. Those were the
days, weren't they? Then one day... poof, it was gone. And how cruel
that not only did we all experience the loss of our various stalwarts, but
that Shanahan then became the prime instigator of the dreaded platoon
system that now pervades football, much to the fantasy players' chagrin?
How could something so good go so wrong? It would be like cigarettes
causing cancer, or birthday cake leading to sugar diabetes, or alcohol
ruining your liver. OK, so we're willing to admit those weren't very good
examples, and in the interest of getting our point across, we're going to
try again. Um... how about this... it would be like Gandhi bringing about
the apocalypse. Or sex causing blindness. Or the internet making life
harder... uh... we don't know, let us think about that last one. You get
the picture, right? From Terrell Davis to Olandis Gary to Mike Anderson
to Clinton Portis to Rueben Droughns, life was good. But then they started
getting hurt, and then healthy all at the same time, and we had a right
mess on our hands. Shanahan, out of necessity it would seem,
implemented his platoon system, which reigns to this day... not only in
Denver, but fast-approaching league-wide. But really, when you break it
down, was it honestly out of necessity? Why? To keep Olandis Gary, or
Mike Anderson happy? He should have just moved on and drafted another running back (and no, Maurice Clarett doesn't count) and kept the gravy train going. And you've noticed, we're sure, Denver's up and down nature since going to the platoon system, yes? It's a little thing we like to call fantasy justice. You're up against it Shanny, and until you set things right, you'll never have consistency.

This year's version of the squad doesn't look like setting the world on fire. On computer screen (because "on paper" is soooo pre-2000's), their offense looks like it might stagnate. The only caveat, is if quarterback Jay Cutler makes The Breakthrough. He has all the talent in the world, we're just not sure if he has it. Is he Jeff George, or Brett Favre? It's a legitimate question. It should be noted, if he does make the leap, who's he gonna throw the ball to? Brandon Marshall is not only inconsistent, but suspended at the start of the season. Darrell Jackson is also inconsistent, though we'll admit, as a number 2 he brings more to the table. Brandon Stokley is the perfect slot receiver, but can he stay healthy? The aforementioned running game is manned by Selvin Young... in the past, during Denver's heyday as the creator of running backs, he would be guaranteed to be this season's breakout star. But those days are long gone... though it does appear that he will be platooning less than running backs in past years. Cecil Sapp and Michael Pittman might steal a few carries, but Young looks to be the only passable tailback on offer. Daniel Graham is a good tight end, but he is what he is, a guy who'll catch a few passes, throw a few blocks, and generally not screw things up. Their line isn't what it used to be (running- back-star-makers), but it's still good, and we loved Ryan Clady in this year's draft. Defensively, the secondary, with Bly and Bailey is quite good, but it could be the best in the league if they could pressure the opposing team's quarterback. Defensive End Elvis Dumervil showed he could do it, but he needs help, of which it appears he has little. At linebacker they're OK... D.J. Williams is good, Nate Webster is OK, and Boss Bailey was allowed to leave by the Lions, if that tells you anything. No, we imagine they'll give up lots of yards and points, especially via the run.

Season hinges on: If Cutler can make The Breakthrough, then they've got a shot. However, their defense looks like it could struggle, and all the question marks at receiver mean even if Cutler comes through, they still might not flourish. Lots of questions for the Broncos, it will be interesting to see how quickly Shanahan sorts them out... or if he even gets a chance to.

AFC East

1. New England Patriots

It's funny that a team named "The Patriots" has become the NFL's
version of the Evil Empire. Well, at least it's funny to us. It's also
funny to us that "The Patriots" are from "New England". Wasn't
England who the patriots were fighting against? We're struggling for
a legitimate comparison... How about... no no, that's stupid TB...
um... OK, what if we said... no, there's a decent sized leap in logic
on that one. Ooooh, here goes: consider the American Civil War (yet
another term that doesn't make sense to us... 360,000 people died...
how civil is that?)... say the central area of Union activity (in this
case, ironically, New England), after defeating the Confederacy,
decided to christen itself New Confederacy. And say a few years
later the area was awarded a professional sports team. In their
wisdom, they named themselves the New Confederacy Union Heroes.
Many years pass, so many that the war and the impetus for the name
have long past from general consciousness, and the Union Heroes
have become the big, bad wolf of their field. Then, it turns out they
bent the rules as far as they could possibly bend to gain an
advantage, leading to a nationwide loathing and desire to see them
lose. There, you got all that in mind? Now... brace yourselves...
the New Confederacy Union Heroes are the New England Patriots.
That's right. Never saw it coming, did ya? OK, OK, we get it. So it was just a long-winded and actually quite brilliant way of stretching our point into length. Doesn't detract from its' awesomeness. Screw you guys.

Fact is, the Patriots are the Juggernaut of juggernauts. They're the Superman of the Super Friends. They're the Germany of the Axis Powers. They're the Coca-Cola of soft drinks. They're the Ron Jeremy... OK, you get the point. But it's a dynasty, folks, and dynasties bring out the bombast and ridiculously prescient yet over-the-top superlatives from us writer types. See, first, there's Tom Brady... the single greatest human on the face of the planet. Then there's Randy Moss. When it comes to Bryophytes, he has more rhizoids than the rest of them combined. Head coach Bill Belichick is a rocket scientist disguised as a football coach. Rodney Harrison is clearly the bastard offspring of the M1 Abrams and Mjolnir, and has spent his career taking out his childhood abandonment issue on various receivers and running backs. From 2014 on, NFL executives will be awarded the "Scott Pioli Executive of the Year Award" (another good option for your life savings, in the form of a wager), in honor of Pioli's unaccountable brilliance when it comes to player personnel. And owner Robert Kraft is the most magnanimous, resplendent, substantial, pansophic, genteel, virtuous, honorable, prodigious, altruistic, dashing, cerebral, palladian, luminous, incomparable, steadfast, meritorious, distinguished, and magistral man this side of Tom Brady. As for the team itself, they were the most-ridiculous-amazing-lucky-unbelievable-play-ever away from a perfect season last year. So, yeah... there's that.

Season hinges on: The league folding. Seriously, it's the only way New England's not, at least, in the picture at the end of the year. As for winning the whole shebang, protecting Brady will be key, as other teams will try to replicate the success the Giants enjoyed in the Super Bowl.

2. New York Jets

There's no use flooring you with some cutesy, stellar anecdote
to grab your attention here at the get-go... not with the Jet-
sized elephant (Packer-derm?) in the room. It's interesting,
wethinks, how this Brett Favre saga turned out. From overtime
away from the Super Bowl with the Packers to starting anew
with a team that finished 4-12 last year. Somehow, we don't
think this is how Favre envisioned his preseason unfolding
when he started clamoring about un-retiring a few weeks
back. In the end, let's face it... he panicked. Surely his original
line of thinking was "Packers or Vikings", which quickly became
"Vikings", which in time, became "Jets, Bucs, or nothing."
Kudos to the Packers management, who, after badly handling
the situation to begin with (they should have never forced a
decision on a quarterback who led them to within overtime of
the Super Bowl), regrouped to salvage a solution that, while
not perfect, was the best they could hope for. Had Favre
emerged from the visitors tunnel wearing Vikings purple on opening day, the management team would have had to answer to a seriously angry mob, especially if the Vikings won. So the fact that they shipped him not only outside the division, but to an entirely different conference has to be seen as a victory.

Now to the question on everyone's mind; how good will the Jets be with Favre? Well, we think the Jets would have made a marked improvement even without Favre with their attention to defense during the offseason. It had to be addressed, and though they're one giant mimic of the Patriots, what better team to mimic? The defense should be much improved. As to the offense, we think Favre's still got plenty in the tank. If they can protect him (and we like what they've done to their offensive line over the past couple of years), he's still got that gun. He can't move like he used to, but he's savvy enough that he doesn't need to, and as mentioned, the o-line should keep him plenty clean. The big question, or the elephant within the elephant in the room (think of the elephant as being pregnant, this will help), is can he avoid the crippling interceptions that had become almost his calling-card in Green Bay? He was always, strangely, forgiven for these setbacks... even the one that ended their season. Probably has something to do with his years of excellence or something. But New York is a callous mistress. She won't take kindly to such transgressions. The first time Favre costs them a game (and he will), it will be interesting to see to what level the press castigates him. That being said, and with all of Favre's faults, he is a quarterback his teammates will believe in, and he will be a major upgrade over Chad Pennington or Kellen Clemens. Opposing teams won't be able to stack the box (as a matter of fact, the opposite will be true), so Thomas Jones ought to have plenty of room to run. Favre may be a short term solution to the problem, but we like what he gives them, especially this year, and we fancy the Jets a dark horse. Oh, they can't beat the Pats, Colts or Chargers (at full strength), but they could surprise.

Season hinges on: Favre Favre Favre. Can he keep the stupid mistakes to a minimum? Can he be protected? Can he handle the pressure? Green Bay was an insular place for an athlete to play... especially a beloved one. New York is not. Should be interesting.

3. Buffalo Bills

The Bills deserve better. As the only professional American team
to name themselves using a pun, they deserve better. As you've
probably noticed, we're word nerds here at TrunkBunker (though
only because "word" rhymes with "nerd"... actually, screw that, we
can't go around calling ourselves nerds, even if it's somewhat
brilliant... how about tingling linguists? That's it.. OK, we're tingling
linguists, got it? Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming),
and the fact that they agreed to name themselves after Buffalo
Bill is more than great, it's tremendously awesome. Inspired, we
came up with some more suggestions for other American cities (or
states) that certainly qualify as equally tremendously awesome. For
instance, the Milwaukee Talkies should exist, as should the Phoenix
Envy. How about St. Louis the XIV? Or the Oklahoma Sapiens? The
Green Bay Bees is a fun play on words, as is the Idaho Moes. The
Eugene Therapy would probably get voted down, and the Pueblo
Jobs might offend. The Redding Bells could bring in the ladies, while
the Minnesota Fountains might do well with couples. The Nebraska
Questions is, well, awesome, but not quite as awesome as the
Provo Loans (especially in this market). The Roswell Beings works
on two levels, while the Fargo Knots works on at least one, hilarious, level. In a nod to the Bills and their use of a person (Buffalo Bill) as the inspiration for their pun, you could have the Bismarck Twains, the St. Paul eShores, the Dubuque Skywalkers, the Gary Colemans, the Indiana Montanas, the Orlando Calrissians, the Augusta Caesars or the Bangor Mouse. For the health conscious, the Abilene Cuisines or the Altoona Salads offer lighter fare, whereas the Birmingham Sandwiches and the Kentucky Charms provide a more fattening, but delicious, option. The Dover Alls and the Flint Stones would be sure to draw in a working-class crowd, while the Champagne Supernovas and Raleigh Wood aim for a wealthier strata. For fun and games, go check out the Little Rock Paper Scissors or the Schenectady Dots, or get your kicks at an Omaha Haha game. If it's a ruckus you're looking for, the Tupelo Blows are your team, while the Illinois Zees and the Mobile Phones keep the atmosphere, at the very least, loud. But if it's a peaceful day out at the park you seek, you could do worse than checking out the St. Cloud Nines. Memorialize your visit to see the Dakota Chrome with a professional-level photo, or a trip to see the Cincinnati Dreads with one of those fake dreadlock caps. And finally, if bizarre gibberish is your cup of tea, maybe a trip to see the Mississippi Deedoodah, or the Nevada Da Vida, or even the Utah A Putty Tat? would suffice. One things for certain... we had a lot of fun with that.

The historical luck of the Bills is such that of course Brett Favre joined their division. The first time a long time that they're a trendy wild card pick, and one of the greatest quarterbacks of all-time comes in to steal what little thunder they were producing. And it isn't just the loss of thunder that stings... it's the fact that yes, according to our numbers, he's going to knock them out of a playoff spot as well. They finally emerged from an almost decade long slumber to re-assert themselves last year, and their reward, from our vantage point, is essentially a repeat performance. We don't know about quarterback Trent Edwards, but he has to have made some progress, right? And though the Bills had a surprising year last year, Lee Evans had a horrible one. His comeback should account for something too, right? Marshawn Lynch had a stellar initial campaign at running back, and former tight end Jason Peters turned into one of the best offensive tackles in the league. But offensive firepower isn't what caused the jump for the Bills last year... it was the performance of the defense. Paul Posluszny returns from injury to anchor the middle of the linebacker corps after getting off to such a fast start last year, and we love the addition of former Giants weakside linebacker Kawika Mitchell. Terrence McGee is a solid corner and excellent return man, and we love what we've seen of first round draft pick Leodis McKelvin at the other corner spot. Donte Whitner takes the safe out of safety, while Ko Simpson proved versatile and talented two years ago before injury ruined his season last year. The Bills always seem to produce and excellent secondary. Aaron Schobel is one of the best, most underrated defensive ends in the league, and the addition of monster defensive tackle Marcus Stroud was an utter coup. If the defense can give the offense time to gel, this could be a dangerous team.

Season hinges on: Broken record alert; the play of the quarterback. It's just so integral to the success of teams. If Edwards can hit his receivers, it opens up room for the running game, which opens up more room to hit receivers, which keeps the defense (and the opposing teams offense) off the field and generally, leads to success. Oh, and getting Jason Peters in camp. Just pay the man!

4. Miami Dolphins

Is this tuna dolphin safe? Well, we figure that depends. For
the lazy dolphin not willing to give his all, this tuna is not only
unsafe, but decidedly dangerous. If, for instance, a dolphin
were to skip meetings or show up late to practice, we would
certainly fear for that dolphin's life. If, however, that dolphin
were to put his head down, work hard and follow any rules
that would surely be in place, we imagine that dolphin would
be quite safe, and probably find himself on special teams. We
suppose Jason Taylor, what with his showboating happy feet
and brush with fame, was an example of a Dolphin who was
caught in this Tuna's net. On the other hand, we imagine a
dolphin like number one overall pick Jake Long, he of the
fits-exactly-what-this-tuna-is-looking-for pedigree and
borderline gigantism (6'7", 320!) is a safe dolphin, much to
the delight of environmentalists and animal rights activists everywhere.

This tuna, this large tuna, has his work cut out for him. We like the appointment of Tony Sparano as head coach. He's certainly a safe dolphin. Offensive tackle Long made the most sense as the first overall pick. Running backs Ronnie Brown (provided he can come back from injury) and Ricky Williams form a solid running back tandem. We love the pick of Chad Henne as the quarterback of the future, and the pick-up of Chad Pennington for the present. Ted Ginn could be a Santana Moss-style deep threat at receiver, and Derek Hagan is an underrated possession guy. Anthony Fasano does the job at tight end, while Vernon Carey does the same at right tackle. The defense, however, needs all kinds of work. Le tuna has added some system pluggers who are comfortable in the 3-4 like Jason Ferguson and Akin Ayodele, and drafted guys with the potential to play the system like defensive ends Kendall Langford and Philip Merling. Joey Porter is still an inspirational leader at linebacker and a tuna kind of guy, but he's not the player he was in Pittsburgh. Channing Crowder, also at linebacker, has shown some potential, but can't stay healthy. It's going to take time to get the talent on the defensive side of the ball up to par. In the meantime, the offense will have to win games, almost by default, cause it's not a great offense... it's just better than the defense. Alas, that's not the way tuna likes to play, so expect the deficiencies on defense to be addressed as soon as possible.

Season hinges on: Making steady progress. Maybe getting Henne in some games toward the end of the season. No debilitating injuries. It's the best they can hope for.