Top 50 Nicknames That Should Exist

Nickname assignment, as an artform, has lost itself. We blame new media... all these web sites and their use of actual images instead of imagery... of simple, lazy, acronymical monikers rather than thoughtful, relevant, poignant, and if possible, hilarious names... frankly, it sickens us. The A-Rod's and the K-Rod's and the A.I.'s and the L.T.'s... especially the L.T.'s... which was pretty lazy when given to Lawrence Taylor, but appallingly so when applied to LaDainian Tomlinson, who entered the league only eight years after Taylor's retirement.

So we're throwing our hat into this ring. We're stepping in where the James A. Cattons, and William Pickfords, and Henry Chadwicks, and Ring Lardners, and Ford Fricks, and Grantland Rices and Neville Cardus' and Jack Pollards stepped out. We believe in originality. We believe in humor. We believe in meaning. But most importantly, we believe in the nickname.

1. "The Theory" - Lebron James

As in, theoretically a player with size, skills, strength
desire, charisma and a pretty smile could exist.

2. "The Fertilizer" - Travis Henry

Nine kids with nine different women. Was he nine for nine?
We'll never know. But he's either extremely potent, or extremely
stupid.

3. "IHOP" - Jerry Stackhouse

The first of many "we can't believe this isn't already
his nickname" entries. First, he's got serious hops.
HEHOP. Second, it's the International House of
Pancakes. So that's house, as in Stackhouse, and
that's pancakes, as in a stack of pancakes. Doesn't
this just make too much sense?

4. "You Can't Be Serious" - Paul Shirley

As in Shirley you can't be serious, and as in, "Paul Shirley
made the league? You can't be serious."

5. Marshall "Cluster" Faulk

First, of course, the funny cursing reference. Second, and
nicknames that work on two levels always get extra points, it
perfectly described the defense when he got the ball... a cluster
Faulk.

6. "The Past Participle" - Darren Bent

For you language nerds out there, of which we have,
typically, nothing to do with. Though technically, bent
is the preterite form of bend, it's also the past
participle, which works much better as a nickname.

7. "F.D.I.C." - Dwyane Wade

Lots of banking references here, mostly, that Wade uses the
bank shot more frequently and better than anyone around today.
Also there's the "take it to the bank" aspect of his game, and the
idea that he's insurance against losing... unless he's hurt, of
course.

8. "The Moral of the Story" - Tom Brady

Because what did we learn? That no matter what you do,
or how you scheme, Tom Brady's better than you.

9. "Croque Monsieur" - William Gallas

"Croque Monsieur" is French for "Mister Crispy", which
is exactly what Gallas has been of late, getting burned
by the likes of Seyi Olofinjana and Daniel Cousin.

12. Jim "Mein" Furyk

Oooh, he's probably not gonna like this one. And we'll
disclaim: it has nothing to do with his character and
everything to do with the way it rolls off the tongue.

14. "Linebacker-San" - Scott Fujita

When referring to someone in everyday life, it is
customary to add "san", unless it's in the
workplace, where it's customary to call someone
by their title (except for subordinates, who would
get the suffix "kun"). Since we are clearly not
Fujita's coach, and thus, not his superior (though
if we were we'd get the ball to Colston more),
we would use either his title, linebacker, or
Fujita-san. We've chosen to combine the two.
Oh, and of course, this is a Japanese custom,
you morons.

15. "Chuckles" - Charles Barkley

OK, so it's a small variation on "The Chuckster", but
isn't it infinitely better? He laughs, we laugh, there
are lots of chuckles involved when Barkley has the floor...
and we keep the Chuck part, which just fits, you know?

16. "Skiptoo" - Florent Malouda

As in Florent "Skip To" Malouda, but we've added
the additional "o" because it just seems better...
more like a nickname... as one word, and you idiots
might read "skipto" all kinds of ways. Skip toe, sip
toe, etc.. Oh, and he skips around on the pitch, so
it's got the two-level thing going on, and you know
how we feel about that.

19. "The Assimilator" - Bjorn Borg

Yes, it's a Star Trek reference, so sue us. But it fits.
Borg was a chameleon, good at everything... assimilating
the styles of those before him to become one of the greats.
So yes, we've gone Star Trek, and we couldn't be prouder.

20. Gary "Pampered" Sheffield

Paid more than he's worth? Check. Complains
about not being paid enough? Check. Says
stupid things without paying the consequences?
Check. Possibly broke the rules (steroids) to
get ahead? Check. Has led a luxurious life
thanks to a game? Check. This one's a go,
people.

21. "Control-Alt-DeLito" - Lito Sheppard

Contract talks? He's not responding. Justifying his
draft slot? He's not responding. Taking a backseat to
offseason acquisition Asante Samuel? He's not responding.

22. Chuck "Sleep Number" Bednarik

Not just the clever pun on his name, but he actually
put guys to sleep he hit them so hard. Another one of
those works-on-two-levels names.

23. "Soup" - Ivan Lendl

Lendl soup, get it? Ah, what do you know. OK, how about,
he put heavy soup on those baseline winners. Make sense?

24. "The Golden Ratio" - Jason Kidd

For those of you that don't know, the Golden Ratio
is a mathematical constant that appears in nature and
art (at first subconsciously) and has been studied
by thinkers the world over. In a basketball sense,
Jason Kidd's numbers in points, assists and rebounds
(the holy trinity of basketball statistics) represents
this golden ratio.

27. DeSagana "Dead End" Diop

Another two-leveler (uh... sure, that sounds like English),
one, for the pun on his name (and for those of you that
don't know, Diop is pronounced "Jop"), and two, as Mr.
Anthony discovered in that photo over there, typically a
drive anywhere near him is just that... a dead end.

30. "The Maneuver" - Kirk Hinrich

This is one of our favorite puns... the Hinrich maneuver...
but aside from that it doesn't offer much. We suppose
Hinrich maneuvers around the court, though surely not as
much with the arrival of Derrick Rose.

31. "Riverdance" - Cristiano Ronaldo

OK, we'll admit, he's shed this tag some from his early
days in the Premier League when he danced and he danced
and he flopped and he had no end product (see animation).
So we're just going to give it to him, retroactively,
based on that Ronaldo, and claim that it stuck.

32. "Drapes" - Dre Bly

First off, Drapes is a great nickname for a cornerback, especially
one with coverage (or draping) skills. Second, Bly's first name
is essentially the first half of the word drape. Presto! Nickname.

33. "The Big Conundrum" - Greg Oden

Because that's all he's been for Portland. First, whether to take
him over Kevin Durant. Then missing his first year to injury, then
the concern that he's injury prone.

35. "The Moist Towelette" - Erick Dampier

Because a towelette wouldn't do much for cleaning the
glass (as opposed to it's namesake, a towel), very much
like Dampier. Dampier, despite his size and athleticism
has always disappointed in the rebounding department.
When you also factor in that he's consistently burnt
by the opposition (and thus in need of a good dousing),
the "moist" part becomes more appropriate. Finally, like
"towelette", his surname his a hint of French to it. And if
none of these things convinces you, think of it this way...
"The Moist Towelette" deserves to be a nickname.

36. "Ankles" - Barry Sanders

We're shocked, with a simple name like "Barry Sanders",
that he was never given a proper nickname. We're here to
undo this injustice with this selection, appropriate, we
feel, not only because he consistently snapped the ankles
of his opponents, but because the ankle strength required
to sustain the torque he put on his own body had to be
immense.

37. "The Logistician" - Steve Nash

Logistics is the flow/movement of goods, materials,
information, etc... It makes sense, then, that the
logistician, is Steve Nash.

38. "Most Definitely" - Simeon Rice

This has everything to do with the interview he gave
immediately after being drafted, which went something,
though not exactly, like this:

  Interviewer: What do you bring to the
  table for the Cardinals?
  Simeon Rice: Most definitely, the ability
  to get to the quarterback.
  Interviewer: How did you pick the outfit
  you're wearing?
  Simeon Rice: Most definitely, I just thought
  it looked good.
  Interviewer: Were there any other teams you
  were hoping might draft you?
  Simeon Rice: Most definitely, no, I'm
  exactly where I want to be.

40. "Crotchfoot" - Wayne Rooney

In the spirit of "Stinkfist" from our list of
actual nicknames... notice the photo. Ouch. Plus,
it kinda sounds like crotchface, and we've heard
that one too.

41. "The Yellow Camaro" - Greg Camarillo

For you espanol-challenged, amarillo means yellow.
Camarillo, minues the "-ill", spells Camaro. We think
you can figure it out from there... especially since
we basically spelled the whole thing out for you.

42. "Happens" - Mehmet Okur

Because "Okur", or "occur" is a synonym for
"happen", and you know what happens when
Mehmet occurs... buckets.

43. "Cache" - Stephen Jackson

Cause he's cash money, only he's doing in the silicon-heavy area
of the Golden State, so he's cache money. Plus, Cache Jackson has
a nice ring to it.

44. Gabby "I'll Bang the Whore" Agbonlahor

Oooh, racey, we know, but super-appropriate. Fact is,
when you get three women pregnant at the same time,
you should expect something like this.

47. "Decks" - Brodney Pool

Another in the long line of "we can't believe it doesn't
already exist" monikers. First, the obvious... "Pool decks",
then the more subtle but still clear fact that he plays a
position that typically "decks" people... and he's no different.

48. "The Brunson Burner" - Todd Brunson

So just because he's the son of poker royalty, he doesn't get
a nickname? No, we don't like it. Not one bit. So factoring in
the name pun, not to mention the fact that "burning" others is
a common, poker-table practice by Mr. Brunson, makes our
selection here seem... fucking awesome.

49. "The Little Things" - Eduardo Najera

First, because we think The Little Things is a cool nickname.
Second, because this guy has carved a nine year NBA career
out of nothing but the ability to set screens, take charges (or,
flop), dive for loose balls, make his teammates feel good about
themselves, and dole out the super-important "foul to give".
Which leads us to...