Top 50 Television Characters

Ah television. The lifeblood of any self-respecting, 21st century citizen of the world, especially between the hours of 5 P.M. and 11 P.M., give or take a couple of hours in either direction. Where would we be were it not for the hilarious yarns of Cosmo Kramer? Or the frightening efficiency of Tony Soprano? Or the understated chicanery of Homer Simpson? Or even the conservative drivel spouted by Stephen Colbert? We'll tell you where we'd be... uh, probably at the gym, or the bowling alley, or out to dinner with friends, or maybe even voluteering at a soup kitchen or some other wonderfully fulfilling philanthropic endeavor... and who wants any of those things? We'll tell you who... well, not exactly who, but what type of person... some sort of anti-progress, misanthropic Luddite, probably angry and bitter and therefore a wee bit dangerous, and it wouldn't surprise us in the least to find he eschewed our finer trappings... like name-brands, and television. You sicken us, sir.

So this is one our many homages to television, namely, the stately characters contained within. Conversely, this will also serve as a slap to the face of any aforementioned Luddites, which pleases us greatly. Now, to our criteria. First, this list has nothing to do with the popularity of any show. Some of the best shows were gone before their time, unloved due to time slot, network, or any of a number of peripheral distractions. Also, in a few cases, some of the best characters were in forgettable shows. Not totally uncommon. Performers from sketch comedy shows were not considered, and even if they had been, a sketch really isn't enough time to develop a character, is it? OK, maybe on the odd occasion, but not often enough, and not with any eligibility for this list. And it goes without saying, we feel (and even though we're going to say it), that non-characters, such as Jon Stewart, or Johnny Knoxville, are not eligible (but Stephen Colbert is, since he's playing a role). And yes, we hear you, like a fettered ringing in our ears... "Where's Basil Fawlty? Where's Archie Bunker?" They're not here. We don't care if you agree with us, we're just telling you what's right. They were great characters that spawned a generation of better characters... so in a way, they've done it to themselves.

Yes, most of our characters here come from a comedic background, and the reasoning is simple. Dramas, for the most part, are plot-driven, rendering their actors derivative and formulaic. "Just don't screw it up" seems to be their instruction. It's only recently that HBO and Showtime have introduced us to dramatic characters that have something to them, something that makes them stand out, whether it be a comic-bent, or slight craziness, or extreme bad-assery, or even a stern solace, so this list could change greatly in the coming months/years. You'll also note that this list is skewed toward the more recent, as we move away from the laugh-tracks and plagiaristic mumbo-jumbo that have congested the airwaves for so many years. So even though we have fond memories of Lucy Ricardo, and Mork, and Edmund Blackadder, and Lieutenant Columbo... they've been trumped. They don't belong here. We're taking more chances, and we're coming up with better stuff. Deal with it.

1. Coach John McGuirk (Home Movies)

We know, we know. Again, we can hear your annoying cries
all the way from Phinnaes' trunk-accessed-bunker. It's like
some sort of piercing blast... like a tornado siren and the
world's largest alarm clock made deafening, unsatisfying
love and your collective voices were their horrible offspring.
"A cartoon?" comes the shrill sound. "At number one?" Yes,
now, please shut up. From the criminally underrated (seriously,
we're thinking about pressing charges... and you don't want to
mess with our stellar legal team, Cartoon Network and
Soup2Nuts... you've been warned) Home Movies, Coach
McGuirk was a drunken, rambling philosopher, doling out
horrible advice and taking on tasks he was, in fact, not up to.
Here are some gems:

I am gonna ask you right now if you think you're better than me... If you say "yes", then I'm gonna kick your ass... if you say "no", then I'll say "fine". So... do you think you're better than me?

You know, I have a reputation.... nobody knows it, but that's not important.

I wasn't crying, Brendon.... I was remembering, with tears.

It's ok to lie to girls. And your parents. And the government. And God.

Coach McGuirk: (to Brendon) I gotta agree with your mom Brendon, cursing is a sign of ignorance. (to the referee of the soccer game he's coaching) OH FUCK REF! PLEASE! (to Brendon) There's no place for cursing in a civilized society, alright?
Brendon: (snickering) Yeah...
Coach McGuirk: I'm telling you this because I'm a coach...
Brendon: Yeah I know...
Coach McGuirk: You're just a kid...
Brendon: Yeah...
Coach McGuirk: You can't go around cursing now, it'll end up ruining you when you get older.
Brendon: Alright... But do you think...
Coach McGuirk: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT REF!? ARE YOU TAKING A SHIT?! IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE DOING, OR ARE YOU MAKING A CALL?!!
Brendon: Um...
Coach McGuirk: BECAUSE IF YOU CAN MAKE A CALL, YOU MAKE A CALL, BUT DON'T TAKE A SHIT OUT THERE! THAT'S TAKING A SHIT! THAT'S TAKING A SHIT IN MY FUCKING MOUTH! AND I DON'T WANT TO EAT YOUR SHIT! YOU FUCKED UP FUCKHEAD!!
Brendon: Wow.
Coach McGuirk: (to Brendon) Unless, Brendon...
Brendon: Yeah?
Coach McGuirk: Unless you know how to do it right.
Brendon: Which you do...
Coach McGuirk: Obviously.
Brendon: Yeah... my ears are still ringing.
Coach McGuirk: Yeah. It's called creative use of words.
Brendon: Right.
Coach McGuirk: It's like poetry. Like Robert Frost. Stopping by the woods.
Brendon: Right.
Coach McGuirk: On a snowy fucking evening. That kind of shit.
Brendon: That's good stuff.
Coach McGuirk: But it's my poetry. It's the everyday man's poetry. Alright? Cause we can't find good metaphors like 'the woods' or 'the snow' or 'the horse' or that kind of stuff.
Brendon: Right.
Coach McGuirk: OH FUCKING FUCK ME REF!

And if you're still not convinced, well you should be, but check this out anyway, from a play he's been coaxed into enduring.

2. Stephen Colbert (The Colbert Report)

So we finally got a man on the inside of the vile punditry gang.
Sure, he comes off as a backwards, arrogant, right-wing,
conceited, insolent, big-headed nutjob who happens to be
hilarious... complete with an ego the size of the Eagle Nebula
(a comparison that he would greatly enjoy). For instance, in his
segment "Formidable Opponent", he debates the topics of the
day with... wait for it... himself! Recorded earlier, we're
guessing. When he introduces a guest, he runs out into the
audience to accept their applause before sitting for the
interview. He tried, in vain, to get his portrait hung at the
Smithsonian (the gall!) before being steered in the direction
of the National Portrait Gallery, where they actually capitulated
to his demands (though it did only hang in the hallway between
two bathrooms). The nerve of this guy, right? Ah, but that's the
rub... he's faking it. He's playing a character, and playing him
well. Well enough to justify a giant acting-centric ego. Note:

The people have spoken - and apparently they're tired of
freedom. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry, I'm just
disappointed. I thought this country would last longer than
230 years. That's it, folks, America is over. At this point, we might as well just give it back to the goddamn Indians. Let's see how they'd deal with foreign enemies bent on their destruction. Here's your cake, terrorists! There you go. Enjoy. (tasting the icing) Mmm, tastes like surrender. Jimmy, you might as well get those subtitles going. (Arabic subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen) There you go. Get used to these. And you know what? We should probably throw a burqa over Meg while we're at it. (Meg the intern is shown wearing a burqa) You know what really gets me here, you know what really gets me? Democrats didn't even win this thing, the Republicans lost it. They ran away from the president. "Hey, the ship's in trouble, quick, let's drown the captain!" We were this close to Jesus coming back. And you Republicans that turned your back on the president are going to wander in the desert for the next two years. Literally, someone's going to have to replace those troops in Iraq! And don't think you're off the hook, voters, you're the ones who made this bed. Now you're the ones who are going to have to move over so a gay couple can sleep in it. Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high! You know what, I've had it! You people don't deserve a Republican majority! Screw this! I quit!

Or, just for the sheer hilarity of it, this:

Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Unless you throw a dictionary at me.

3. Cosmo Kramer (Seinfeld)

It's too bad Kramer's image has been tainted
by the idiot who portrayed him, Michael Richards
(and we say idiot because we don't believe he's
a racist... we believe he's a comedian who lost his
sense of what's funny and what's too far, making
him more stupid than racist, but we digress). Take
the character at face value, though, and he absolutely
merits this spot, and in case you foolishly don't
believe us, well, you're a fool. Oh, and check out
these examples of his excellence, inluding a hilarious
tete-a-tete with George:

George: I am not giving you my code.
Kramer: I'll bet I can guess it.
George: Yeah, right.
Kramer: Ah, all right, yeah... Let's see... Well, we
can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too
obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Let's go deeper... What kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptation.
George: uh...
Kramer: But what tempts you? You're a portly fellow. A bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no... Yours is a sweet tooth.
George: I gotta go.
Kramer: Oh, you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master... The cocoa bean! And only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you. If you could, you'd guzzle it by the gallon... Ovaltine!? Hershey!? Nestle Quick!?
George: (running away) Shut up!

You're as pretty as any woman in New York. You just need a nose job.

George: Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV?
Kramer: Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill?

(Kramer is taking photos of George so that George can entertain the lady at the photo store in another episode of the timeless art of seduction)
Kramer: Look at this. Okay yeah this looks good and I like what your wearing.
George: I feel fat.
Kramer: No, no. You're stoked. The camera loves stokedness. Look, we're not going to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. The key word is tasteful. Now I want you to relax and have fun because your a fun guy. All right, let's do it. Okay come on. Feel the beat. Feel the beat. You know you got some real strong pecks but it's hard to tell under that T-shirt.
George: Well do you want me to take it off?
Kramer: I don't know, it's up to you.
George: Do you think it would be better if I did?
Kramer: It might be. I mean whatever you want.
George: ALL RIGHT!!
Kramer: That's it George. Come on, come on. Give it to me. Come on, work it. Work it. Yeah be a man, be a man.

4. Mark Corrigan (Peep Show)

The genius behind Mark Corrigan is in his thoughts... or
rather, the fact that we can hear his thoughts. Every
neurotic reluctance. Every paranoid dalliance with fear.
Every frightening flirtation with paranoia. Every eager
brush with the man he'll never be, or the things he'll
never do. Every statement of pride when he wins a little
battle (even if they only exist to him). Yes, he comes
with all of the complexes and idiosyncracies of you or us
(well... you), and that, makes him a wonderful character.
Observe:

(to himself as he walks past a co-worker) Got the nod.
The mark of a human. I'm a human. You're a human. What else is there to say?

Jeff: Have you... pissed yourself?
Mark: Uh... yeah... yeah... I did a little bit of wee on myself so...
Jeff: You twat!
(Both Jeff and Mark's soon to be ex-wife Sophie laugh as Mark leaves)
Mark: (to himself) Oh yeah, they can laugh, but I win, cause they think I pissed myself. They've no clue I came all in my pants.

While we're at it, there are systems for a reason in this world. Economic stability, interest rates, growth. It's not all a conspiracy to keep you in little boxes, alright? It's only the miracle of consumer capitalism that means you're not lying in your own shit, dying at 43 with rotten teeth and a little pill with a chicken on it is not going to change that. Now come on, fuck off.

Frosties are just cornflakes for people who can't face the real world.

Mark: (To himself) I've got to take Jeremy's advice more often. I'm out on a date with a teenage goth, smoking pot in the laser bowl toilets. This is it. This is literally it. This is the sort of thing people do when they're having a good time.
Valerie: Do you want me to give you a blowback?
Mark: What? Here!? (To himself) Oh my God, it's the last days of Rome.
Valerie: Sure, just um, open your mouth and breathe in... (she blows from one end of the joint into his mouth).
Mark: Wow! (To himself) I've been initiated. I am a drug user. Fuck the police.

Goodbye beard, hello familiar, stupid face.

Jez is so great. He's like an idiot savant but not so stupid.

5. Ignignokt (Aqua Teen Hunger Force)

Appropriate that Ignignokt would be drawn in two dimensions, as
certainly the strength of his character is his utter, utter shallowness...
AKA lack of depth (or, to pound this fucking point home, a third
dimension). Should you get in his way, he could rain down abusive
hilarity with the wit, cunning and candor of a Yo Momma runner-up,
were he so inclined. And from what we can tell... he's so inclined.
For example:

Ignignokt: ...and remember, there are no dumb questions.
Mothmonsterman: Uh, yeah, over here.
Ignignokt: In the back, yes... the retard with the dumb question.

Our liability coverage is zero. Our balls, however, are enormous.

(Taking Roll) Alright, when I say your name, you say "here," and
we will assume "here" is short for "here I am... rock you like a hurricane."

Using a key to gouge expletives on another's vehicle is a sign of trust... and friendship.

We're going to sodomize our vast imaginations with this pornography.

Here on the moon, our weekends are so advanced, they encompass the entire week.

Err, hand out the free cigarettes. We smoke as we shoot the bird.

The Moon has one-third less gravity than your Earth. I don't know if you can understand that, but our vertical leap is beyond all measurement.

We are sorry in the most sarcastic sense of the word.

6. Charlie Kelly (It's Always Sunny in
Philadelphia)

For those of you who haven't subjected yourselves to the
wonders of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you should
be ashamed. And your next move should be to march
yourself right down to the movie rental place and get it
(or metaphorically march yourself down to your Netflix
queue and put it at the top). What with their countless
shenanigans and borderline sociopathic behaviour, ruses
are there to be had... followed quickly by intense laughter.
And Charlie is at the center of their best stuff. Por ejemple:

Charlie: Oh shit. Look at that door dude. See that door
right there? That door marked 'Pirate'? You think a pirate
lives in there?
Dennis: What? Dude, that door's marked 'Private.'
Charlie: Oh, yeah. I knew that. I was just trying to
make conversation

Charlie: You got that script I wrote? Grab that script.
Dennis: I've been meaning to speak to you about this. I can't read these words. They're not in the right order.
Charlie: It's good.
Dennis: I think you might be dyslexic bro. I'm not reading this.
Charlie: No, no, no, no!
Dennis: I think you might be dyslexic.
Charlie: Just read it once!
Dennis: Ok... you want me to read the script?
Charlie: Yes... and action!
Dennis: I'll read the words you wrote. "Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you, thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot. What? Taxes, they'll be lower... son. The Democratic vote is the right thing to do Philadelphia, so do." This doesn't make any sense!
Charlie: Alright... then just say whatever you want.

Dee: Prize... Paddy's Pub?
Dennis: Whoa, wait a minute! You put the bar up as a prize?
Charlie: No, no, no, check again... I put the bar under the "pride" section... the thing that you're proud of.
Dennis: Pride section?!?
Dee: IT'S A "Z" CHARLIE! PRIZE!
Frank: Didn't you read that god damn thing?
Charlie: I gave it a once over.
Mac: Your illiteracy has screwed us again Charlie!
Charlie: YOUR ILLITERACY IS SCREWING US!
Mac: That doesn't make any sense.

7. Dr. John Zoidberg (Futurama)

A poor Jewish lobster doctor? There's no part
of that we don't like (actually, we've always
had a problem with the article "A", flaunting
it's inate positional superiority and capital
status... it's a bit of an issue, we know, and
we'll deal with it). If you've never enjoyed a
little Zoidberg with your knish or gefilte fish,
let us help enlighten you with but a minor
taste:

OK, so you're nonchalant. Stop rubbing our
noses in it.

Help! A guinea pig tricked me!

Fry: Okay, you're on a date. What's the first
thing you do?
Dr. Zoidberg: Ask her to mate with me.
Fry: No, tell her she's special.
Dr. Zoidberg: But she's not, she's merely
the female with the largest clutch of eggs.
Fry: Well, tell her that. And then what?
Dr. Zoidberg: Then mating.
Fry: No, make up some feelings and tell her you have them.
Dr. Zoidberg: Is desire to mate a feeling?
Fry: Ugh, you're not even trying.
Dr. Zoidberg: Ohhh, it's all so complicated, with the flowers, and the romance, and the lies upon lies.

(Roasting the Professor) Now I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you consider his age he's likely to die soon.

8. Ricky (Trailer Park Boys)

We know The Trailer Park Boys isn't easily seen by
most of you, but that shouldn't stop you from finding a
way. Ricky alone is worth the price of a rental, or a
Netflix add, but certainly not an illegally torrented
copy*. And even though you haven't technically asked
for them, we know what you're thinking (we always
know what you're thinking), so here are some samples
of his work:

Lahey: You could teach, livin' in a car and growin'
dope 101.
Ricky: Yeah? And you can teach how to get drunk,
get fired from the police force, become a lousy trailer
park supervisor that sucks, hangs around with a fuckin' idiot that doesn't wear a shirt and looks like a dick but thinks he looks good... 101

Judge: Now although I am opposed to that kind of language in the courtoom, I'm going to allow it, as unfortunately it is part of your right to a fair trial.
Ricky: Thank you. My first order of business is to tell the prosecutor to shut the fuck up, and wipe that stupid fucking grin off his face ... The defense rests, everybody can fuck off. Except you (points to the judge) I didn't mean you. But those two guys, and him (pointing to the prosecutor).

Don't you have some off's to fuck?

* Unless, ya know, there's no other way.

9. Omar Little (The Wire)

Finally, our first dramatic character. He's complex, he's
well rounded, he's got his code. He's a bad muthafucka...
and most importantly, you want to see him on the screen.

Maurice �Maury� Levy: (a lawyer, trying to question
Omar's reliability as a witness) You are feeding off the
violence and the despair of the drug trade. You are stealing
from those who themselves are stealing the lifeblood from
our city. You are a parasite who leeches off the culture of
drugs�
Omar: Just like you, man.
Maurice �Maury� Levy: Excuse me? What?
Omar: I got the shotgun. You got the briefcase. It�s all in
the game though, right?

How you expect to run with the wolves at night when you
spend all day sparring with the puppies?

Marlo: That's my money.
Omar: Man, money ain't got no owners, only spenders.
I'll tell you something else... I like that ring too. (Marlo
pauses, prompting Omar to place one of the .45's under his chin) Boy you got me confused with a man who repeats himself.

10. Ari Gold (Entourage)

Ari is such an incomparable sleazebag, and yet
we cannot help but love him. Why is that, do you
think? Is there some sort of inate wiring behind
our collective drywall that renders us senseless
in the face of the collosally-flawed-but-oh-look-
some-vulnerability... people? The hooker with the
heart of gold. The gangster who goes to a shrink.
The gangsta who lives by an honor code. The
cutthroat agent that misses his client. It's
something we'd been mulling, until Phinnaes
chimed in, sagely, with "who the fuck cares? Get
to the quotes!" Yes sir, here they are.

I want you to pass this message along to Dana.
Tell her that I still have the pictures from Cancun,
tell her that I�m gonna start a website. I will take
a full page ad out in the L.A. Times advertising it.
Tell her it will be called imahollywoodexecutivewhore.com and that no password or fee will be required. Tell her I WANT A FUCKING CALL BACK!

I didn�t go to the Lakers game because they were playing the fucking Bobcats� And I came here today because I thought this was a session on how my wife could learn to communicate, how to answer a question without a question, basic Humanity 101, which I thought, given your wall of fucking diplomas, you could easily fix, or if you couldn�t, you could give her a pill that would either fix it or make her a mute. But now, to turn around and gang up on me? I have work to do. I have hundreds of clients to deal with, and just so we�re clear, I don�t care about ANY OF THEM. They�re ALL just a number, like Wife #1 and Therapist #7� GOOD DAY!

You know 'The Station Agent,' Eric? Monster hit at Sundance. It's about the midget who lives by the train tracks. Last time I saw him he was in a FedEx commercial. They were overnighting him to London. Sundance is a great festival for little people. You should kill over there.

11. Stewie Griffin (Family Guy)

First, he's a baby that can speak. Second, he's a baby
that speaks with a British accent (though the rest of
his family is from Rhode Island). Third, he's a British-
accented baby bent on world domination. Fourth, only
the family dog (Brian... who can also speak), can hear
him... for the most part. Stew(ie) on that for awhile.
That's one crazy ass character. But it's when you take
chances like Stewie that excellence can coalesce, which,
as we're sure you've guessed by now, appears here in
the form of the 10th spot on our list.

How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're
working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers
there? Gotta, gotta nice litte story you're working on
there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3
years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protaganist? Yeah?
Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? (voice getting higher pitched) Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? (voice returns to normal) No, no, you deserve some time off.

Meg: (about Peter being retarded): I can never go to school again!
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

12. C. Montgomery Burns (The Simpsons)

So Monty's investment portfolio includes companies the likes
of "Transatlantic Zeppelin" and "Amalgamated Spats" and
"Confederated Slaveholdings" and "U.S. Hay" and "Congreve's
Inflammable Powder" and even the "Baltimore Opera Hat
Company" which begs the question... how does he remain so
stinking rich? Sure, there's lots of money in power, but there's
also lots o' losses in that portfolio. Mostly, though, we just
wanted to write all that stuff cuz we think it's funny.

Mr. Burns: (Meeting with his lawyers) Before you begin, let me
make one thing clear to you: I want your legal advice, I even
pay for it. But to me you're all vipers! You live on personal
injuries! You live on divorces! You live on PAIN and MISERY...!
(calms down) But I'm rambling. Anybody want any coffee?
Lawyer: I'll have some coffee.
Mr. Burns: Want it black, don't you?! Black like your heart?!
It's so hard for me to listen to you, I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH!
(calms down) I'm sorry, it's my problem, I'll deal with it. Please
continue.
Lawyer: If you offer Mr. Simpson a token sum, say a couple of thou, he'll be so dazzled he'll sign anything you shove under his nose.
Mr. Burns: (sarcastic) Oh, brilliant! A cash settlement! I COULD HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT, YOU BUTTONED-DOWN MAGGOT!
Lawyer: Do you have any cream?
Mr. Burns: Oh yes, of course, where are my manners?

(during the auditions for Burns's heir)
Milhouse: I have nothing to offer you but my love.
Mr. Burns: I specifically said 'No geeks!'

Homer: Here's your package, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: My name is the return address, you senseless dunderpate! Smithers, who is this nincompoop?
Homer: (to himself) Oh, I've worked here for ten years and my boss doesn't even know my name. Well that's gonna change right now! (to Mr. Burns) My name is Homer J. Simp--
(Burns pushes a red button; a 1000g [therefore tiny] weight falls on Homer's head.)
Homer: Ow! -- son.
Mr. Burns: (inspecting the weight) Hmm, sounded large when I ordered it. (sighs) I can't make hide nor hair of these metric booby traps.

Oh, 'meltdown' is one of those annoying buzzwords, Kent. I prefer to call it an 'unrequested fission surplus'.

Since the beginning of time man has yearned to destroy the sun.

Well, that's odd ... I've just robbed a man of his livelihood, and yet I feel strangely empty. Tell you what, Smithers - have him beaten to a pulp.

13. George Oscar Bluth, Jr. (Arrested Development)

Or G.O.B. (pronounced "Jobe"), portrayed by Will
Arnett, who, since he's married to Amy Poehler, must
be considered half of the reigning first family of
comedy, right? Jason Jones and Samantha Bee are
up there, but at the stratospheric Arnett-Poehler level?
Please. A Jimmy Kimmel-Sarah Silverman union would
be potent, but Matt Damon keeps coming between them.
And certainly the pairing of Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla
Fisher is formidable, but let's be honest... Isla needs
to up her game a little to make this thing competitive
(and co-writing a treatment for a script helps, certainly,
but doing it with Amy Poehler won't close the gap any...
be sensible Isla). Now, quite how we got from the
character of G.O.B. to a comparison of Isla Fisher and
Amy Poehler is a lesson in meandering, and you could
stand to learn a thing or two from our ambling prowess.
Take note(s). Now, back to our originally scheduled
programming:

I'm an ideas man Michael. I think I proved that with
'Fuck Mountain'.

Lucille Austero: What you did to me at lunch today...
You were ashamed to be with me.
G.O.B.: No. I was ashamed to be seen with you. I like
being with you.
Lucille Austero: I'm sorry, but you have no courage.
G.O.B.: How can you say that? Shh. (looks up, nervously)
Thought I heard my mom. (whispers) How can you say
that?

Michael: I really think the reason you and I always fight is that, since we were little, Dad's always played us off each other.
G.O.B.: Dad always said that was your fault.

I'm dating this Christian girl right now. She wants me to be honest and reconnect with my son. And I'm trying to get her to renounce God and fuck me, but I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it.

(After GOB's wife has served him with divorce papers)
Michael: What's her first name? Quickly.
G.O.B.: (flustered) Crindee.
Michael: Name's not Crindee, G.O.B.
G.O.B.: (Reads papers) Ah, Saul Zetzmann. Nope. That's her lawyer. Well, she's GOT a name. And I'm gonna find out what it is. And I'm gonna make a pun on it. And that's what I'll call her. Bad example: if her name's Amy, I'll call her "Blame-y."

Michael: So, how'd you make the yacht disappear?
G.O.B.: Michael, a magician never reveals... (gets excited)... I sunk it. At least I think I sunk it. I mean, I blew it up and I don't see it anywhere.

14. Jack Donaghy (30 Rock)

Alec Baldwin, professionally, can do almost no wrong.
Seriously... first Outside Providence and now this? We
would say something like "if only other actors were lucky
enough to get those kinds of roles", but that would be a
disservice to Mr. Baldwin and his impressive thespian skills.
No, instead we're going to go with 'if only other actors were
lucky enough to have Mr. Baldwin's impressive thespian skills.'
You see what we did there? Combined the two qualifying
statements? That's called writing bitches. And don't think you
can just go enroll yourself in community college and churn
out that kind of quality. That shit's inate. You want to produce
that kind of work? Hire a ghost writer.

Incidentally, we would like to mention that we're availabe for
all your ghost writing needs at extremely reasonable rates. Get
in touch with our agents (uh, and the best way to do that is the
'contact us' link on this very website).

Jack: All of my summer replacement shows were big hits...
America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than A Dog,
MILF Island.
Liz: MILF Island?
Jack: 25 super hot moms, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules.
Liz: Oh yeah, didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?
Jack: That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring MILF.

Jack: So what are you gonna do with your money? Put it into a 401K?
Liz: Yeah, I gotta get one of those.
Jack: What?! Where do you invest your money, Lemon?
Liz: I've got like twelve grand in checking.
Jack: Are you an immigrant?

Jack: Let me guess. Meatball sub, extra bread. Bottle of Nyquil. Tivo Top Chef. A little Ms. Bonnie Raitt, lights out.
Liz: No, I have something to do tonight Jack.
Jack: Then you won't mind when I tell you that Casey gets voted off tonight.
Liz: YOU MONSTER! WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS!

Jack: Steven's good, man, he's on partner track at Dewey and he's a Black.
Liz: A black!? That's offensive.
Jack: No, no. That's his name. Steven Black... good family. Remarkable people, the Blacks, musical, very athletic, not very good swimmers. Again I'm talking about the family. Black is African-American, though.

15. Master Shake (Aqua Teen Hunger
Force)

Shake is the drink that stirs the meal deal that is Aqua
Teen Hunger Force. And while we've twisted that original
cliche/analogy to an almost unrecognizable state, we
feel like it makes sense, and you should be able to
understand it, unless you're some sort of moron. And
with that, we've taken the blame for our own poor
English off of ourselves and placed it on you, the moron
reader. Kudos to us. As for Shake, super-hero wise, he
leaves something to be desired. Indeed, he more often
finds himself on the supply side of crime, especially
when it comes to Carl or Meatwad. He also got gipped
in the super power department, only able to "shoot" a
glob of pistacchio-flavoured milkshake from his straw
onto the ground a foot in front of him. That being said, he's fucking hilarious. For example:

(Trying to bribe Meatwad into taking him to the Super Bowl with tickets he won in a bag of snacks)
Master Shake: Hey, look who just got a mini-bike!
Meatwad: Look who just insulted me with this ten-horsepower piece of crap. You think I'm a child?
Master Shake: Don't look at the streamers. Look at the frame. This is a man's bike.

Master Shake: Plaque is a figment of the liberal media and the dental industry to scare you into buying useless appliances and pastes. Now, I've heard the arguments on both sides, and there is nothing to convince me of the need to brush your teeth.
Meatwad: I don't know how you'd know; you ain't got no teeth.
Master Shake: Well I got rid of my teeth at a young age, because I'm straight. Teeth are for gay people. That's why fairies come and get 'em.
Meatwad: If teeth make me gay then sign me up, 'cause I wish I had 'em.

Master Shake: Let's go. They don't have nothin'. It's like a flea market threw up in there.
Meatwad: Look, a Bananarama tape!
Master Shake: THAT'S MINE! DROP IT WHERE YOU ARE!

Frylock: You sold Meatwad to the circus, didn't you?!
Master Shake: EVERY DAY I BUY AND SELL PEOPLE LIKE YOU! But no, I did not do that. But based on what I'm hearing here, someone may have.

Ah, jee whiz! This is the greatest gift I ever got in my life that I never wanted ever!

16. John Dorian (Scrubs)

It's J.D.'s habit of daydreaming, not to mention his
unabashed um... girliness? (appletinis? a hug
schedule?)... that make him such an interesting fellow.
He's emotional and needy and it's no wonder Dr. Cox
typically addresses him with any number of woman's
names... names like Jo-Jo, Scarlet, Priscilla, Portia,
Peggy, Gloria, Joanna, Betty, Claudia, Loretta,
Dorothy, Carol, Bethany, Trish and that's just a
fraction of one's season's worth. What we're getting
at is he's a little feminine, and Dr. Cox agrees with
us. Still, it's that vulnerability that makes him so gosh
darn loveable.

(To Himself) And there it was. The moment where
pity was turning into genuine affection. Classic Dorian.

Dr. Cox (after awarding chief resident to Elliot): Newbie, how ya' doin'?
J.D.: (To himself) Keep it together... it's be a man time. (To Dr. Cox) No, no. I totally understand. Come on, you did what you had to do. You went with your gut. Elliot's a great doctor... I do have three questions though: (louder) Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love!? Who's gonna tell my mom!? And what the hell am I supposed to do with ten thousand "John Dorian, Chief Resident" business cards?!?!

(To Dr. Cox) Hey... I just wanted to take a second to thank you for constantly berating me, doubting my abilities and the overall devastation of my self-esteem.

Bartender: I'm sorry. We don't have appletinis. I can make you a peachtini.
J.D.: Too foofy for my taste. I'll just have a beer, thanks... with a pineapple wedge.

(To Dr. Cox) While I have you here, I'm applying for a fellowship, and I could really use a letter of recommendation, I was thinking when you wrote it instead of using a girl's name you could refer to me as Dr. Dorian. I think it sounds more professional and frankly, each time you call me a girl�s name, I die a little inside.

J.D.: You're my closest friend... in college we shared the toothbrush.
Turk: I was not aware of that.

17. Bender Bending Rodriguez (Futurama)

Hecho en Mexico only 4 years ago (he describes himself as a
"precocious little scamp"), Bender is a drinking, stealing, porn-
loving, foul-mouthed, egotistical, chain-smoking, gambling,
emotional wreck who secretly wants to be a folk singer. A fine
character indeed. He's composed, somehow, of 30% iron, 40%
titanium, 40% zinc, 40% dolemite with a .05% nickel impurity.
You do the math. And his swarthy latin charm leads Fry, when
coaxing Bender into accompanying him on a rescue mission,
to implore him to "think of the senoritas!" Classic. We are
confused though, as to why Planet Express hired him. Clearly
he's not bending, though that's what he's programmed to do.
Instead he seems to be some sort of delivery boy/jester combo,
though he would be the ship's cook, if he weren't such a horrible
cook. What's that you say? Liberties taken with the plot to give
us more Bender, the 17th best character in television history?
Now that kind of reasoning, we can get behind.

Leela: Please, Bender. Have some malt liquor. If not for
yourself then for the people who love you.
Bender: I hate the people who love me and they hate me!

Leela: We're trying our best!
Bender: You're best is an idiot!

Congratulations Fry. You've snagged the perfect girlfriend.
Amy's rich, she's... probably got other characteristics...

Voice on T.V.: Is today's hectic lifestyle making you tense
and impatient?
Bender: SHUT UP AND GET TO THE POINT!

Interesting. No, wait, the other thing... tedious.

Bender: Please, please let me come with you. I can make myself taller.
Bubblegum Tate: Bender, you can talk trash, you can handle the ball, but look in your heart and ask yourself: Are you funky enough to be a Globetrotter? Are you?
Bender: Yes.
Bubblegum Tate: (louder) Are you?!
Bender: I mean, with time, my funk level could�
Bubblegum Tate: ARE YOU?
Bender: (meekly) �no�
Bubblegum Tate: Deal with it.

18. Bobby Hill (King of the Hill)

The rich comedy that comes from Bobby stems from
the dichotomy between he and his father. His father's
a gruff, man's man who cares about his yard, working
on his truck, not talking about his feelings, America,
Texas, propane, sports and drinking beer. Bobby's
essentially the opposite... he's un-athletic, and into
magic and dress-up and comedy and rap and exploring
his emotions. And, for essentially the entire series, the
desperate desire to please his father. This makes for
some hilarious exchanges, including:

Bobby Hill: Alright! I'm in a team with my dad.
Permission to lead the team in a cheer. Give me a...
Hank Hill: Permission denied.

It's a 'Fun Run,' Dad. I ran until it stopped being fun.
Happened quick.

Peggy Hill: Bobby, honey, um... what do you know
about sexual relations?
Bobby Hill: I don't know. Nothing much. I'm a little worried about being a slut.

Hank Hill: Hey there, Bobby. I guess they found a cure for the cooties? Heh, heh, heh.
Bobby Hill: I don't know. What are cooties?
Hank Hill: Well, when I was a boy, that's what they called the germs you got from girls.
Bobby Hill: Oh, you mean like chlamydia?
Hank Hill: Huh?

Hank Hill: You're just using this head as a crutch.
Bobby Hill: It's not a crutch, Dad. It's something I've come to rely on to help me through life.

Bobby Hill: Basketball I can take or leave.
Peggy Hill: Honey, don't you mean "I can take or leave basketball?"
Bobby Hill: No, Mom, Garry taught me this. It's the cool new way people from Arizona talk. You want I should teach you?

Hank Hill: Now, I know we've talked a lot about how you should never do drugs, but from now on you'll be taking medication after every meal.
Bobby Hill: So, do I smoke it or snort it?
Hank Hill: It's a pill, Bobby.
Bobby Hill: So I guess I'll just pop it.

19. Eric Cartman (South Park)

Who'da thunk TV's biggest dick would be a 9 year old kid? Only
the guys behind South Park have the balls to pull off a
character like Cartman. OK, that's not 100% true, but they're
in a very small group of those with the balls to write Cartman,
and certainly the only ones not on HBO, Showtime or MTV. He
dresses like Hitler, he openly hates Jews, he's racist, he's
bigoted, and frankly, he's a little asshole. Of course, Trey Parker
and Matt Stone address this directly, admitting they modeled
Cartman after the not-quite-equally xenophobic Archie Bunker,
and sensed that a character like Bunker wouldn't make it in a
politically-correct late 20th century climate unless they "made
him into an 8 year old fat kid".

Stan: Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.
Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.

Jewish Kid: Is anyone else having problems concentrating on this? I just can't seem to concentrate.
Cartman: Maybe we should send you to a concentration camp.

It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

Cartman: I was asleep, and this person just ... puts his penis in my mouth without me knowing! And took the picture!
Detective Yates: ...I see.
Cartman: Yes. Now it may appear in the picture that I'm actually looking at the camera lens smiling... with the penis in my mouth... and giving a thumbs up. But I assure you, I was fast asleep!

How �bout we sing, �Kyle�s Mom is a stupid bitch� in D Minor.

20. Jemaine Clement (Flight of the
Conchords)

Yes yes, we know. He certainly blurs the line between playing a
character and playing himself, what with the use of his real name
as his character's name and the band thing and the accent et al.
But we'd argue (and we'd win) that, like Stephen Colbert, he and
Bret are undoubtedly not playing themselves. For instance, their
characters are poor. They, with a hit show on the tele, clearly
are not. Also, their characters don't have much luck with the
ladies. Obviously the real Bret and Jemaine don't struggle with
such a thing. They're big stars! And whilst it's probably for
comedy's sake, they come off as being a bit stupid in the show.
Gluing a camera and a phone together to make a camera-phone,
for instance... while hilarious... also quite foolish. And yet the
ability to come up with such foolishness indicates, in reality, a
keen intellect. So Jemaine makes the list here, and if you don't
like it, well, we suppose you're just gonna have to kiss our asses.
Yup.

Bret: Can I please have a look at the lyrics? (Looks at notepad)
This is another one of your weird songs, man.
Jemaine: In what way?
Bret: What's that about 'Sometimes I put a wig on you when we're on tour'?
Jemaine: Put a wig on you? No. It didn't say anything like that.
Bret: That's definitely a bit gay.
Jemaine: What is?
Bret: Putting a wig on me while I'm asleep.
Jemaine: I think, sometimes you hear what you wanna hear. It wouldn't be gay to put a wig on a man and pretend they're a woman. How could that be gay if you're pretending they're a woman? (pauses) Not that I did it.

I'm not cryin'. It's just been raining... on my face.

Jemaine: I can't believe you got that job and I didn't.
Bret: You know, you've got to work on your people skills.
Jemaine: Yeah, shut up, Bret

Do you think my facial features are too deep-set to be considered classically handsome?

They call me the Hiphopapotamus, my lyrics are bottomless... (crickets)

21. Howard Moon (The Mighty Boosh)

So, The Mighty Boosh is essentially a sketch
comedy. We'll give you that. But Howard Moon
(and his cohort Vince Noir) are the centers of
the Boosh universe, and thus, eligible for this
list. So what of this Howard lad? He's a pseudo-
intellectual desperate for a dark past or higher
sense of meaning. Broodingly artistic, we'll call
him... and he would love it. It's why he tries to
put himself into jazz trances, and why he doesn't
accessorize his appearance, explaining instead
that "there is a simple truth to me." It's also why
he considers himself, artistically, a "genre
spanner." Oh, and then there's all this stuff:

Howard: That, is just making me feel physically sick. What is that gloomy record?
Vince: That's the Human League!
Howard: That is electro-nonsense.
Vince: They're electro-pioneers, they invented music.
Howard: They invented music?
Vince: Yeah.
Howard: What happened before them then?
Vince: It was just tuning up before then.
Howard: Are you aware of the music known as jazz?
Vince: Ugh...
Howard: Are you aware of jazz music? The movement of jazz?
Vince: Why do you keep going on about jazz for?
Howard: Cause it's the most important artform in the 20th century.
Vince: No one listens to jazz. Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all jazz is for.
Howard: You better take that back, you electro-ponce.
Vince: Or what?
Howard: You better just take it back, that's all.
Vince: I won't be taking that back, I'll be leaving it out there for all to see.
Howard: Drink it back up.
Vince: No, I hate jazz.
Howard: You hate jazz? You fear jazz. Yeah.
Vince: Shut your mouth.
Howard: Yeah, you fear jazz, don't you?
Vince: No I don't.
Howard: You fear the lack of rules...
Vince: No.
Howard: The lack of boundaries... oooh, look, it's a fence, but no it's soft, AAH! What's happening! The shapes! The chaos! Huh? Has to be simple little nursery rhymes for you, huh?
Vince: Stop it. Stop the evil.
Howard: Simple little dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.
Vince: Shut your mouth.
Howard: The melody gets abstract, you mess your trousers and run to your mommy.
Vince: Shut your mouth.
Howard: Huh? Be-bop... skibba-de-bop.
Vince: Don't start scatting.
Howard: Be-bop.
Vince: We don't need scat at this point.
Howard: Skibblety-be-bop-a-do-doo-pow...
Vince: You better stop scatting.
Howard: Sku-boppa-doo-boppa-doo-kah.
Vince: This is your final warning.
Howard: Skibblety-bee...
(Vince tosses bucket of trash onto him and runs off)

Howard: I've had a breakthrough. I think I found a new note in between B and C. I always knew it was there. I'm gonna call it Howard's Note.
Vince: Wow.
Howard: I'll tell you how it works, right? I took a note, sawtooth wave, right off this pantomime four, ran it back here, re-jammed it through itself, looped it back, mixed it with the sound of this crab committing suicide, and let it stew in its own reverb for about three hours, right? And then I pump it all out through this shoe, to give it that oaky timbre.

22. Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye"
Pierce (M*A*S*H*)

Could you imagine Hawkeye saying that he would
"kick the bejesus out of lefties just to stay in shape"?
No? Us neither. But he did, in one of the earlier
M*A*S*H* books. And we only mention this to
illustrate how much Alan Alda changed Pierce, into
the womanizing, left-leaning, moral, unmilitary version
who certainly cared little for "staying in shape". A much
more interesting character, don't you think? We most
certainly do.

I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we
want to do is bring them democracy and white bread.
Transplant the American dream. Freedom.
Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence.
Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early
coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your
boss in the back. That's entertainment!

A war is like when it rains in New York and everybody crowds into doorways, ya know? And they all get chummy together. Perfect strangers. The only difference, of course, is in a war it's also raining on the other side of the street and the people who are chummy over there are trying to kill the people who are over here who are chums.

I am the essence of overconfidence! I am speculation, adventure, the spirit of pursuit, the stag howling for its winsome yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution; the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle buzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life. I am appetite!

23. Tony Soprano (The Sopranos)

Everyone knows big 'T', but did anyone else find it
interesting that they chose to name him after the
highest, most feminine range of the tonal scale...
the soprano? No? Just us? OK fine, whatever. Here
are some quotes and stuff...

Log off, that 'cookies' shit makes me nervous!

Oh, poor baby. What do you want, a Whitman's
Sampler?

There's an old Italian saying: you fuck up once,
you lose two teeth.

Tony: You're looking good. Looking better.
Uncle Junior: Tony, if you're gonna lie to me,
tell me there's a broad in the car waiting to
tongue my balls.
Tony: Hey, you want that, it's a phone call away.

Tony: So, what step are you at now?
Christopher: I did all the steps, except for the one where I'm supposed to go around and apologize to all the people I fucked over when I was using.
Tony: ...I think maybe you shouldn't do that one. You know, let sleeping dogs lie.
Christopher: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

24. Adrian Monk (Monk)

Ah, the phobic OCD dick (private, that is) with his own show. If
we're honest (rare, we admit), we love anything and everything
Tony Shalhoub does. Fred on Galaxy Quest? Outstanding. Antonio
Scarpacci on Wings? Magnifique. Primo in Big Night? Exemplary.
Then there's this bizarre Monk character... brilliant and obsessive,
he's got a keen eye for the dicking industry... what? Fine, but it's
just such an easy laugh, like punting puppies and flatulence...
but we'll try to keep our dicks to a minimum. Oh whoops... dick
jokes... to a minimum. Anyway, now that we've rambled and
used all our space (and we don't do rewrites... only amateurs
like you do rewrites), we'll get to the funny stuff... dick.

Monk: This says list any phobias.
Receptionist: That�s right.
Monk: There are only five spaces.
Receptionist: You can use the back.
Monk: I might need another sheet. (she hands him a sheet)
I might need another sheet. (she hands him a sheet) I might
need another sheet.

If you could wait until my assistant gets here. She�s in charge of saying the right thing.

Monk: Ah, I hate Christmas.
Julie: How can you not like Christmas?
Monk: Well, you wouldn't like it either, if you hated it as much as I do.

That's enough to make me LOL out loud.

Natalie: I think you and Harold could be friends.
Monk: I don�t think so. The fact that I despise him would always come between us.

25. Ralph Wiggum (The Simpsons)

Ah Ralphie, from the clan Wiggum. Is there a more
lovable character on television? Whether he's retarded
or simply very, very dumb doesn't matter, he's
inarguably delightful, and appropriate, as who doesn't
remember a classmate just like him? Unless, of
course, that classmate was you. If you can't spot the
sucker...

Me fail english? That's unpossible!

My cat's breath smells like cat food.

Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad.

Principal Skinner, I got carsick in your office.

Bushes are nice 'cause they don't have prickers.
Unless they do. This one did. Ouch!

Hi, Principal Skinner! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!

Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever!

26. Dick Solomon (3rd Rock From the Sun)

The genius behind the show, of course, is that we humans
make very little sense. Dropping aliens into our midsts and
instructing them to fit in, well, it's going to lead to some
confusion... especially when it comes to issues of love,
political correctness, family, and general socially accepted
behaviour. To fan the flames, having one of the higher-
ranking aliens disguise themselves as a teenager (clearly
the most awkward and confusing time in a human's life),
and one (the head of the military) as a woman, is another
stroke of genius. Then there's their leader, the arrogant,
emotional, confused, brilliant Dick Solomon... plowing his
way through the aforementioned issues with the gentle touch
of a monster truck. His arrogance and intelligence leads to
his elitism, which of course means he thinks he's better than
humans and shouldn't have to bother with the silly and
confusing tactics we use to navigate the world at large. This
puts him in many a sticky, and frankly, hilarious situation.
Observe:

This is just perfect. I try to mold us into a family that will blend in, and what do I get? A surly teenager, a sister obsessed with a man, and a brother who drinks too much. Is there another family in the whole world like this? I don't think so!

Guns don't kill people. Physics kills people.

Dr. Leonard Hamlin: So tell me Dick, what do you think of my work?
Dick Solomon: Mechanistic and disturbingly fascist, but pretentious high schoolers might find it thought-provoking.

Tommy: Did you use a condom?
Dick Solomon: Oh yeah! 3-Pack! Ribbed for her pleasure. But I turned them inside out.

The truth is, you're delightful. I love looking at you. I don't know what it is about tonight. Maybe it's the wine, maybe it's the way the light hits your eyes... but you look puffy... you should go home and sleep.

Where would we be without the agitators of the world attaching the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance?

27. Dr. Perry Cox (Scrubs)

We're not too big to admit it... we've had more than
our share of man crushes through the years. And
like J.D., we typically fell for one of the bad boys...
assholes who treated us worse than most people
treat their pets that they hate. Why do we men
always fall for the bad boys? And yet, there's always
some sort of redeeming quality. Something we notice
inside them that we try and bring out. Such is the
nature of a man crush. And Dr. Cox, spewing his
vitriole and lady names J.D.'s way, has hooked the
young doctor in his wicked, insult-laden web and
won his undying allegiance. It's a complicated thing...
and never mutual. No, no, no. That would be gay.

(To J.D.) Newbie, if the next two words out of your
mouth aren't "See ya" then the third word will be
"Oh my god. My crotch. You've punched me in my
crotch."

(After X-Rays show an intact light bulb up some guy's ass) Either this guy has a light-bulb up his butt, or his colon has a great idea.

J.D.: Okay, fine. I'm sorry I slept with your ex-wife!
Nurse Laverne Roberts: I think I'll sit back down.
J.D.: It was an accident.
Dr. Cox: Look... First of all, it's not like you tripped and fell into her... and then out of her... and then into her... again.

Dr. Molly Clock: Perry! You know, I have a cousin named Perry. But actually, no, he's not my cousin... and, you know, his name isn't Perry, it's... Jeff.
Dr. Cox: That's so funny. I have an uncle named Stop Bothering Me.

Barbie, why did you order this test? For the love of god, are you a real doctor or a doctor like doctor pepper is a doctor?

Elliot: Dr. Cox, does this shade of red make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No, Barbie, no. It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively to clowns.

J.D.: (after finding Dr.Cox laying on a couch) Dr. Cox, have you been here the whole time?
Dr. Cox: No, I came in through the couch door...

28. Pee-wee Herman (Pee-wee's
Playhouse)

We know what you're thinking, as always, and mixed in
with the perverted, scary stuff is this; Pee-wee Herman?
That weird children's character who got caught spanking
himself in that movie theater? This high? Really? And our
answer is a gritty, in-your-face, yes. Forget the fact that
he's a children's character... has there ever been a more
zany, bizarre character gain such popularity? And for that
matter, has there ever been such a zany, bizarre
character? Remember, he may have morphed into the
host of this children's show, but he started off with the
comedy troupe The Groundlings (where Pee-wee was
born), and had roles in films such as Cheech and Chong's
Still Smokin'. To emphasize the weird tip, Pee-wee's first
movie, Pee-wee's Big Adventure was directed by a then
unknown Tim Burton. We're sure it's because of the
character's genesis within the cocoon of comedy that it
became so interesting and memorable (remember, Phil
Hartman was on Pee-wee's Playhouse), and were it not
for Reubens' indiscretions, he might still be around today.

And since Pee-wee's bizarre, physical way of doing things
translates much better to video, we give you this.

29. Frank Costanza (Seinfeld)

Ben Stiller's real father Jerry, George
Costanza's angry father Frank. A perfect
representation of the crotchety, surly,
cantankerous, old-timer who prefers things
the way they were. And so angry... so
hilariously angry.

Many Christmas' ago, I went to buy a doll
for my son. I reached for the last one they
had, but so did another man. As I rained
blows upon him, I realized there had to be
another way.

I'm like the Phoenix, rising from Arizona.

(After George Steinbrenner, George
Costanza's boss, tells the Costanza's their
son is dead) WHY THE HELL DID YOU
TRADE JAY BUHNER!? HE HAD AN ARM LIKE A ROCKET! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE DOING!

Frank: This omelet is dry!
Estelle: That's the way I always make it!
Frank: Well it SUCKS! Your gravy is lumpy, your meat loaf is mushy, and your eggplant parmesan IS A DISGRACE TO THIS HOUSE!!!

Mr. Ross: I loved the movie especially the part with the helicopter...
Frank: THANKS A LOT! I HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE YET!
Mr. Ross: It has nothing to do with the plot.
Frank: I LIKE TO WATCH A MOVIE AND FOR EVERYTHING TO BE FRESH!

Frank: George we've had it with you. We love you like a son but even parents have limits.
George: You're tired of me?
Estelle: The break-ups, the firings, and those calls every Sunday.
Frank: We are in the prime of our lives and we should enjoy it. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go make love to your mother.

30. Aku (Samurai Jack)

One of, if not the best villain on television (it depends
whether or not you count Mr. Burns, Eric Cartman, and
Stewie Griffin as villains... we prefer to think of them as
well-rounded, realistic, everyday people). We like to
pleasure ourselves with hours of what we like to call
the Samurai Jack-Off, to see who can watch... What's
that? We're getting a message from our service
providers, hold on just a second... uh-huh. Yup? Why?
What do you mean "worded differently?" It's... oh, oh
now we get it... well, just cause you guys jump to
depraved conclusions doesn't mean our readers will...
oh right, we see your point. Will do. OK, so we've been
advised that maybe we should just say "Watch Samurai
Jack," and add some sort of hack qualifier like "it's
Samu-righteous!," because apparently you and your
perversions can't be trusted. Way to go. Way to ruin it
for all of us. Geez.

Long ago in a distant land, I, Aku, the shape shifting master of darkness, unleashed an unspeakable evil. But a foolish samurai warrior wielding a magic sword stepped forth to oppose me. Before the final blow was struck, I tore open a portal in time, and flung him into the future where my evil is law. Now the fool seeks to return to the past and undo the future that is Aku.

(dials phone number) Bwah-ha-ha-ha! Yes, I can hold. Yes, I would like to place an order for delivery. Aku. I think I'm in the computer. Yes, that's it. I'd like a large... uh? What? Extra thick! 30 minutes or it's free! Excellent! Bwah-ha-ha-ha!

Aku: Oh, put that thing away, Samurai. We all know what's going to happen. You'll swing your sword, I'll fly away, and probably say something like, "I'll be back, Samurai!" And then I'll flutter over the horizon and we probably won't see each for... about a week. And then we'll do the same thing again.
Jack: Your word play will not trick me, villain!
(He attacks Aku)
Aku: I'll be back, Samurai! You'll see! Bwah-ha-ha-ha (flutters over the horizon).

31. Riley Freeman (The Boondocks)

Riley is the ghetto-conscious answer to his
brother Huey's poetic cerebralism. He worships
the worst kind of rappers, ballers, and thugs,
cares about things like how much 'paper he's
stackin', or the silver and platinum chain that
was given to him by Thugnificent more than
schooling, or thinking, or playing with friends.
Oh, and he's eight.

(in a written letter to Santa): Dear Santa,
you are a bitch nigga. Wait ho'don. Ho'don.
Ho'don... Dear Santa, you are a bitch ass nigga.
I heard the mall is hiring extra security to
protect you. That's a bitch move, Santa. I'm
coming for that ass again until you pay what
you owe. Sincurrly yours, the Santa Stalker.

...and when white people talk, they say The. Whole. Word. Like. This.

Riley: And you shouldn't. It's a natural body function. And now every nigga in the world gon' be scared to pee! I may never pee again!
Tom: Riley, it was a little girl!
Riley: Oh, I seen that girl. She ain't little. I'm little.
Tom: Yes.
Riley: Gary Coleman is little.
Tom: Yes.
Riley: Mini Me is little.
Tom: Very.
Riley: And to the best of my knowledge, we all managed to avoid gettin' peed on so far.
Tom: But what about the victim?
Riley: Oh yes! The victim... At what point does personal responsibility become a factor in this equation?
Tom: I don't think that's...
Riley: (interrupting) I see piss comin', I move.
Tom: Hmm.
Riley: She saw piss comin', she stayed.
Tom: Yes, she did, but...
Riley: And why should I have to miss out on the next R. Kelly album JUST fo' that? (walks away)
Huey: (to Tom) Man, you just got beat by an eight-year-old.
Riley: (off screen) And, if R. Kelly goes to jail, I'LL PlSS ON YO CAT!

Riley: All I'm saying is when Xzibit brings that car back you goin' be bitches.
Granddad: What did you call me?!
Riley: No, no I mean bitches, like, you gonna have so many bitches that's what niggas gonna call you. No disrespect.
Huey: No disrespect? You just called your granddad "bitches".
Riley: Yeah, but I don't mean bitches in a disrespectful way. I mean it as a general word for women.
Huey: And your gonna let him get away with this?
Granddad: It's ok. Just this once.
Riley: Granddad, I'm just sayin' you might have to change your middle name from Jebediah to bitches. Is all I'm tryin' say. No disrespect.
Granddad: Hmm, Granddad Bitches Freeman. Hoo, has a nice ring to it.

32. Malcolm Tucker (The Thick Of It)

We think, if there's a lesson here, it's don't cross
Malcolm Tucker, and don't cross the Prime Minister
he works for. He's a hateful, vengeful man, and he
wouldn't hesitate to frame his own mother for a
hate crime were she to get in his way... or even
possess the potential to get in his way (we call it
blunder entropy, which is fucking brilliant). His
dressdownability (another one of our creations...
go ahead, feel free to use it... just expect a word
from our lawyers) is legendary, pointed, a little
bit frightening, and most of all, damn funny.

Julius: The P.M. has given me a date (for
resignation). It's a surprising date.
Malcolm: Well what the fuck does that mean?
The titty-ninth of November? Flat-tember the 4th?
8 B.C.?

I'd love to stop and chat to you but I'd rather have type 2 diabetes.

Malcolm: And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story, I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?
Adam Kenyon: Right...
Malcolm: And I mean, I don't have your education, I dunno what it means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll bask it from there, ok?
Adam Kenyon: Good, thank you, again.
Malcolm: Talk to you later.

(To Ollie as he eats takeout) You on solids? I thought you were still on the tit.

Off you fuck.

33. Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)

We'll admit it... we preferred Homer, and honestly, The
Simpsons in general, before 2001 or so. He seems to have
become more crass and less caring, the comedy (if you can
call it that) coming from situational circumstances rather
than his character (again, an occurrence that has affected
the entire show). That being said, if we were just dealing
with pre-2001 Homer, he would be much higher on this list.
So this is a compromise of sorts. He's still good for a laugh,
but it's just not quite the same.

As to this character we keep reflecting on... Homer is (was)
your traditional American father, taken to extremes. Selfish,
lazy, drunk, stupid, forgetful, fat... a poor father looking for
get-rich-quick schemes and ways to skip church. However,
it's clear he loves Marge and their kids, and when push
comes to shove, he typically does the right thing... or at
least, he did before 2001.

Stealing! Bart didn't you learn anything from that guy who
gives sermons in church? Captain what's-his-name? Why
do you think we took in all those Police Acadamy movies,
for fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you?
Except for at that guy who did sound effects... woooo...
Now where was I, oh yeah, stay out of my booze.

Lisa, in this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

(entering the Springfield candy festival) I feel like a kid in some kind of a store.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.

Here's to alcohol, the cause of... and solution to... all life's problems.

Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

Billy Corgan: Billy Corgan, 'Smashing Pumpkins'.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

I want the answers now or eventually.

34. Hank Kingsley (The Larry Sanders
Show)

Hank is the perfect example of someone who's humor stems
from his depth of character. There aren't as many snazzy
one-liners, and the situational comedy comes from the way
his character reacts to being thrust into certain settings
None of the slapstick, off-the-wall stuff (which we most
undoubtedly have nothing against... in the right context...
this list is littered with it) that permeates "character
develpment" these days.

So Hank is the resident peon, bitter over his lot, and desperate
to prove his worth. He's socially awkward (if not outwardly open
and genial), and he somewhat bizarrely carries a sense of
entitlement thanks to his position as Larry's sidekick/show
announcer. Like most people who find themselves the butt
of jokes and disdain, Hank rarely realizes it, instead believing
himself popular due to inclusion. Oh, and he's a product whore.

Hank Kingsley: How would you feel if I started dating Beverley?
Larry: I'd say it was your business, your life.
Hank Kingsley: Well I'm not into interracial dating, it never works... sex is good but in the morning cultural differences start to raise their ugly heads.

Artie: Hank, we have a problem.
Hank: I'm not supposed to eat in my show clothes I know... it's just... I get hungry.

(During sex tape) Now you wash your mouth out with... HANK!

35. George Costanza (Seinfeld)

Short, fat and bald, George hit the trifecta. He's
also one of the more impressive pathological
liars we've ever come across, and he'll go to
great lengths to continue his various charades.
Like the time he pretended to be a marine
biologist, or the fake interview with Vandelay
Industries to keep his unemployment, or the
home in the Hamptons, or the feigned disability
to keep his job with Play Now, or the photo next
to a casket to get a bereavement discount from
an airline, or going to Paris where he would be
staying in the Eiffel Towers, or that he coined
the terms "it's not you, it's me" and "pardon my
French", or...

George: I'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you.
Jerry: Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me.
George: Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavorotti, "Teach me to sing like you."
Jerry: All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe I'm doing this.
George: Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie... if you believe it.

(After George has run out of a room ahead of everyone, including children, following a fire)
George: I... was trying to lead the way. We needed a leader!
Robin: But you yelled "get out of my way"!
George: Because! Because, as the leader... if I die... then all hope is lost! Who would lead? The clown? Instead of castigating me, you should all be thanking me. What kind of a topsy-turvy world do we live in, where heroes are cast as villains? Brave men as cowards?

I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual."

My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter, I was raised to give up. It's one of the few things I do well.

Jerry: Well, maybe Kruger wasn't for you.
George: But they seemed so disorganized...

(Discussing the possibility of Elaine moving into Jerry's building)
Jerry: You have no idea what an idiot I am. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it. (Points to himself) This is an idiot.
George: Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.

George: I don't like when a woman says, "Make love to me." It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.
Jerry: Really?
George: That's a lot of pressure. "Make love to me." What am I, in a circus?

36. Denny Crane (Boston Legal)

OK, so basically it's just Shatner being Shatner, but let's be
honest... Shatner is hilarious. Frankly, we're at the point that
when he appears on the screen, we start laughing. And
everytime he says his name... "Denny Crane", to underscore
what precedes it... whether it be a sentence, a question, or
oftentimes, a fart, we're on the floor. And we're so impressed
by the tactic, we've co-opted it. For instance, you might say
something silly like "this list is crap," to which we'd respond
"you're an idiot, what do you know, we're the professionals...
TrunkBunker." Or you might ask us something with a heavy air
to it... some gravitas, as it were, like "now what do we do?", and
we'd merely look you in the eye... thoughtful, serious... then
we'd fart.... "TrunkBunker." Oh, it's good, clean, uproarious fun.

I have an erection. That's a good sign. I'm ready to go to trial.
Lock and load.

You hear the one about the fella who died, went to the pearly
gates? St. Peter let him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing
argument. Says, "Who's that?" St. Peter says, "Oh, that's God.
Thinks he's Denny Crane."

Brian Stevens: Motion for continuance is denied.
Denny Crane: You know what I'm going to do, Brian, just to
show you there are no hard feelings? I'm going to sleep with your wife.

(Walking through a crowd of reporters) Dennycranelaw.com. Pictures, bios, hobbies. I once captained my own spaceship. Multi-talented.

Gracie Jane: Gracie Jane.
Denny Crane: Denny Crane.
Gracie Jane: Gracie Jane.
Denny Crane: Are you making fun of me?

(Shirley Schmidt is sending Alan to New Orleans to help out on a case)
Denny Crane: I just heard! New Orleans! My penis is already packed!
Alan Shore: Denny, I would love for you to join, but this particular excursion is a rather serious one. Maybe you and I could go another time.
Denny Crane: Are you nuts? That damned tornado wiped out half the place. There's no time like the present. Alan, we must seize the hookers... uh, the day.

Bored? How can I be bored? I'm Denny Crane. Even the sound of my name fascinates. More... more about me.

The current president of the United States is George Walker Bush, son to George Herbert Walker Bush, whose father was the late United States Senator Prescott Bush, who, as an undergraduate at Yale once wrestled my father in the nude. But that's a story for another day. Let's stick to the issues at hand. Denny Crane.

And just for good measure, there's this, which frankly, couldn't be funnier (and yes, there's an 8 second advert at the beginning... sit through it, you won't be disappointed).

37. Beavis (Beavis & Butt-Head)

AKA The Great Cornholio, there's never been
anything or anybody quite like Beavis to hit the
airwaves. And yet, isn't there a little bit of Beavis
in all of us? The constant quest to score, the
pyromania, the adverse reaction to drugs (sugar,
even), the love of metal, the love of television,
the crippling poverty, the bitchin' pompadour (oh,
is that just us?), the dead-end job, the desire to
use T.P. in his bunghole... we ask you... is he
really so different from us? We therefore propose
that Beavis, and all of his perceived strangeness,
represents all of us and this is the root of his
success. Of course, we realize this contradicts our
opening statement, but you surely realize we
came to our conclusion during the course of
writing the above paragraph. And while yes,
maybe other writers, what with their chump schooling and "expertise," might go back and amend the original statement to reflect more the tone of the words that follow... we're not other writers. Certainly you know this by now, yeah? We're real, warts and all baby. Our school is the streets, and its' credo is "Cacoethes Scribendi", which as far as we know is Latin gibberish, but might mean "you're always right," or "don't redo anything for anybody, especially if it's difficult." Probably one of those... and who are we to disobey the doctrine of the streets?

Hoover Dam Guide: Now, can anybody tell me how much energy it takes to power Las Vegas?
Beavis: Yeah, I just have a question. Is this a God damn?

(As The Great Cornholio) Do you have T.P. for my bunghole? I would hate for my holio to get polio.

Substitute Teacher: So what's your name?
Butt-head: Joe
Substitute Teacher: Joe What?
Butt-head: Joe Mama.
Substitute Teacher: That's funny!, How about you? What's your name?
Beavis: Umm... Jack... Jack Mama.
Substitute Teacher: Well you can't blame someone for trying.

38. Reginald "Bubbles" Cousins (The Wire)

Andre Royo, the man who depicts Bubbles,
deserves a mantle full of awards for his
portrayal. It's so excellent, in fact, that an
actual addict gave Andre some heroin one day
while filming, claiming he needed it more. And
while Royo calls this his "Street Oscar", it's
hardly the type of thing you can keep on a
mantle (and technically, he should refer to it
as his "Street Emmy", but we digress). No,
what we're proposing is a more tangible
award... a CableACE maybe, or a TP de Oro, or
at least a Teen Choice Award, for fuck's sake.
Or, now that The Wire is finished, a TV Land
Award seems appropriate. Something to give
this man the concrete, palpable recognition
he so richly deserves. And if all else fails,
we'll start our own damn awards show... The Trunkies, maybe (uh, we're still working on that one), with hookers, and gambling, and lots of drugs. As a matter of fact, forget the awards show. Ah, screw the whole thing.

Ain't no shame in holding on to grief . . . as long as you make room for other things too.

My name is . . . my name is . . . Reginald. Round the way, they call me Bubbles. I'm a drug addict. Celebrating my anniversary. My people couldn't make it here tonight. I left a trail of fire behind me. Time going to make it right, I guess.

No offense, son, but that's some weak-ass thinking. You equivocating like a motherfucker.

McNulty: I'm late for soccer practice.
Bubbles: Suck what?

39. Dennis Reynolds (It's Always Sunny in
Philadelphia)

So Dennis is the most self-obsessed of a gaggle of egocentric
miscreants, believing himself to be first, God's gift to women,
and second, better in pretty much every way than the people
around him. Hysterics ensue when circumstances prove otherwise,
whether it be because he gets shot down by a woman, or bested at
something by his cohorts, as it wounds him deeply. You could
say that his arrogance is merely a cover-up for his insecurities,
but then you'd be delving into some sort of psychoanalytical
cauldron best left to faux-pros.

(To Charlie, before he goes out on a date with a woman Charlie
has a thing for) Okay, listen. Here's the deal. I'm gonna bang her
tonight, probably around 10:30 or so. Now, I really don't wanna do
that. So all you have to do to stop me is call my cell phone, by
10:30, and say "Dennis, you don't have to do Charlie Work
anymore."

Mac: I say we hit the sorority houses, start passing out some
flyers...
Dennis Reynolds: We need to go the library. At sorority houses
you're going to find nothing but tramps and whores.
Mac: Perfect.
Dennis Reynolds: You're not listening. We don't want wild girls. We want good girls gone wild. It's important to see the transition, watch the process...

(During a dance marathon)
Mac: When is the partner switch?
Dee: Oooh, you guys... this could be a great idea... to shake things up a little bit with the other contestants... you know, use the partner switch to get inside people's heads.
Mac: Why is the person that's ranked last trying to hatch a plan?
Frank: Yeah, I wonder that too.
Dennis: I just came up with an idea, though. This could be a good opportunity to shake things up a little bit with some of the other contestants. You know, we could use this partner switch thing to get into people's heads.
Charlie: Now you're talking.
Dee: Are you serious?
Mac: Shut up Dee, we're trying to hatch a plan.

Dee: Whoa, that was really weird.
Dennis: Yeah. Well this confirms it. He definitely got molested.
Dee: Ugh. We gotta get in there.
Dennis: Get... we gotta get in there?
Dee: Yes!
Dennis: You can't just thrust yourself into the position of caregiver like that.
Dee: Caregiver? Why are you throwing around big words? You know, I actually majored in psych so...
Dennis: Yeah, well you failed all your classes.
Dee: So?
Dennis: And I had a minor and I passed all mine so...
Dee: Okay well you know what? 3/4 of a major is a lot bigger than a whole minor.
Dennis: I don't even know how to respond to that.
Dee: Well, that doesn't surprise me.
Dennis: Well, it shouldn't because what you said is really... dumb.
Dee: That's a good one.
Dennis: Yeah, it is.
Dee: It's good. I liked that one.
Dennis: I felt good about it.

40. Zapp Brannigan (Futurama)

The Zapper... lover, warrior, idiot. The Democratic Order
Of Planets' (DOOP) most decorated Captain/Rear Brigadier/
General Major Webelo/25 Star General, mostly due to his
utter disregard for the well-being of his own soldiers. He
has his own bitch... er... lieutenant (Kif Kroker) who has
to endure The Zapper's (also, The Velour Fog, Big Z, or
The Man With No Name) foolishness, and often, take the
blame for it. Sadly, Zapp is one of the tens of people in
this world to suffer from sexlexia, an admittedly sexy but
probably chronic disease. Sexlexia's not funny.... as we....
stay strong, TrunkBunker... we... we... suffer from it too.
There. It's out there. Oh man, it feels good to get that off
our chests. Whew, what a relief. But we don't want your
pity. No, far from it. We want your money. Uh, for
research.

(From Zapp's personal book of pick-up lines) If I said you had a beautiful body, would you take off your clothes and dance around a little?

(Distracted) Yup. Uh huh. That's whatever it is you were talking about for you.

I like your style Frye... you remind me of a young me. Not much younger, mind you... perhaps even a couple of years older.

Kif: Actually, sir, I'm... I'm a little nervous about meeting her family.
Zapp: That's natural. After all, you're meek and uninteresting. Until now, you've gotten by on my leftover charisma, scrounging off it like a tiny charisma parasite.
Kif: I just hope they like me.
Zapp: And why wouldn't they? Yes, yes. I know. Tiny. Meek. Uninteresting. Spare me your tedious life story Kif... and above all, have fun!

Leela, how could you? First our love has to survive your constant hatred, and now this?!

Men, you're lucky men. Soon, you will be fighting for your planet. Many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will be forced through a fine mesh screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all.

Stop exploding, you cowards!

If we hit that bull's eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.

41. Hal Wilkerson (Malcolm in the Middle)

So Hal is the quintessential representation of the weaker half...
all the men out there who find themselves in a subservient
relationship, controlled by a dictator-wife that they fear as much
as they love. Now, TrunkBunker has heard of this phenomenon,
and we recognize it must exist based on empirical evidence, but,
as you might expect, we've never experienced it first hand.
Here's what we've discerned (mostly from characters like Hal
and certain friends/relatives of ours). Often, the male wants to
be in a submissive position... liberated from the hassles and
hurdles that govern everyday living, and free to do what he
wants, within the construct of the relationship (i.e... whatever
she'll let him do). While this approach has inherent obstacles...
a stripping of masculinity, loss of respect, an occasional dressing-
down... it also, apparently, holds some advantages. Mainly, the
ability to delay adulthood for as long as possible (see photo). Of
course, this is dependent on the whims and desires of the Mrs.
However, when it comes to matters of the sack, Hal is a
champion, his passiveness replaced by passion, bravado
thriving where cowardice once reigned. We're not sure if this is
common of most dominant-submissive relationships, but it
wouldn't surprise us. If being dominated is such a turn on that
you commit your life to it, reason dictates that the sex would be top notch. And when reason dictates, we take notes. Oh, and we should mention the inate hilarity of the situation, as it's essentially caused this entry. Kudos to the quirky relationship.

Dewey, go easy on the orange juice. That stuff doesn't grow on trees - wait, it does. So why is it so damn expensive?

These are sleeping pills, Dewey. I simply told the doctor I've been up the past few nights, things aren't going well with the wife, afraid I'm going to lose the house... Now don't you worry, son. Those are just lies I told to get prescription drugs.

(Lois demands Hal get a vasectomy)
Hal: Those parts mean a lot to me.
Lois: You're not that guy, Hal. You never were that guy.
Hal: When it comes to this, every guy is that guy.

The baby's not due for a month. I told you it wasn't conceived in the elevator. It was Dewey's parent/teacher conference.

Hal: If you don't tell your mother, I'll let you squash something.
Dewey: Can I squash Reese's bike?
Hal: Sure. It's in the trunk.

Reese: Hey, Dad? I have a little situation that maybe you can help me out with. There's this girl who...
Hal: I suggest that you leave her alone before she calls the police on you.
Reese: Okay, thanks.

Hal: (Bursts into the boys room, panicked) Who wants to make 5 bucks?!
Malcolm: How?
Lois: (background) Oh my God!
Malcolm: What did you do?
Hal: Yes or no? No questions asked!
Lois: (background) Oh my GOD!
Malcolm: Make it 10.
Hal: OK. You're a good son.
Lois: (background) OH MY GOD!
Hal: (grabs Malcolm and opens the door) Don't worry honey. I got him!

42. Father Jack Hackett (Father Ted)

Credit goes to Father Ted for peeling back the layers of
lies and deceits surrounding Catholicism and giving us
all a good, hard look at the realities of priesthood. Take
the character of Father Jack Hackett, for instance.
Nowadays, we know he's just your standard,
run-of-the-mill Catholic priest, but at the time his
behavior was scandalous and eye-opening. First, he's an
alcoholic... and when we say alcoholic, we mean he's
always drunk, comatose in his armchair, blissful in his
squalor. Our only real interaction with him comes when
the other priests try to move him or deny him his drink.
When he speaks, it's usually loud, vulgar, and often
incoherent. The years have not been kind to him. And
you would expect that of someone who, when denied his
alcohol, will gladly drink brake fluid, toilet cleaner, motor
oil, castor oil, or an entire bottle of sleeping pills... whatever he can get his hands on. He's also a pervert, which can be deduced from his stupor-dreams, when he often finds himself, say, judging a wet T-Shirt contest. Sure, it's typical priest conduct these days, but when it came out, it rocked the establishment to it's core.

FECK!

ARSE!

GIRLS!

DRINK!

GOBSHITE!

NUNS!

ARSEBISCUITS!

BIG BRAS!

Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Father Jack: FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!

43. Peggy Hill (King of the Hill)

The mediator, if you will, of son Bobby's and husband Hank's differences.
While Bobby and Hank cling to opposite sides of the small-town family
dynamic, Peggy anchors the middle. Quick to chide Bobby for his youthful
tomfoolery; strong in reprimanding Hank for his overbearing small-
mindedness. But it's really her misguided arrogance that merits her place
on this list, whether she's boasting about her Spanish skills (which are
actually quite poor), her aptitude for substitute teaching, the cleverness
of her musings, or her gift for Boggle, her belief in her own distinction
is erroneous, and also, fucking funny. Note:

They're always in the last place you look, because once you find them,
there's no reason to keep looking.

You are out of your depth, Hank Hill. You've opened a Pandora's Box,
a box that has a sign that reads "For Women Only." As long as it took
that river to carve the Grand Canyon, that is how long women have been
learning to subtly manipulate relationships. You only think it's easy
because we make it look easy. Did you really believe you could step in
and fix it overnight? Could you really be such a fool? Woe is you, Hank Hill,
woe is you.

...so they asked me to teach German, and I said 'nein,' which I thought meant yes. But it turns out, 'nein' means no. So I blew a big opportunity.

Peggy: What we're about to see is British comedy. You may not understand all of it at first, because it's more sophisticated than what we're used to.
Bobby: That man is wearing a dress.
Peggy: Exactly.

Peggy: Don't tell me you were jealous?
Hank: No! I was just mad that you were spending all your time with that guy, and I wanted you to spend it with me. Jealousy had nothing to do with it.
Peggy: Oh, Hank, I have something in my eye, but I am also crying.

We are offering you girls a special program that combines the thrills of wrestling with the skills of basketball, in something we call 'General Sports'.

(upon seeing the girl that's broken Bobby's heart) Is that her? Oh, now it all makes sense. She looks exactly like me.

You know, he has never even thanked me, not once. And would it kill him to tell people 'My mom helped me with that line' or 'My mom wrote that essay, I had nothing to do with it?'

Hank: Dale thought we wanted to swing.
Peggy: Swing? Absolutely not! You get Nancy and I end up with Dale? Who's the clear winner there? Dale!

Hank, come on, there's no reason to be ashamed about your crying. But yet, I am.

Peggy: He said, "Peggy, I think I might be gay." And this was back when being gay in Texas was not as much fun as it is now. We decided the only way to know for sure was to test him with Peggy Platter. So we went back to his place, gently pushed aside his decorative throw pillows, and ... ho yeah.
Luanne: Did you fix him?
Peggy: Oh, no, Luanne, he was not broken. Just gay. Very, very gay.

Let's do our shopping before the Salvation Army invades! (laughs) Oh, I should get a medal for wit! And you know what I would call that medal? I would call it the -- the -- I don't know.

I should have listened to you, but I didn't. While you were talking, I was humming a song inside my head just waiting for you to stop.

(To Luanne) Oh, I will make your birthday party so much fun. And I can be there to gently remind you that as the daughter of an alcoholic, you have a genetic gun pointed at your head, and with every drink you are adding another bullet to the chamber.

He's just playing, Hank. Gangstas and Hos is this generation's Cowboys and Indians.

44. J-Roc (Trailer Park Boys)

So, J-Roc projects hard, you know what we're
sayin'? But he ain't hard. Homeboy lives with
his ma, yo, and he been busted diddlin' with
his fiddle. How hard that? Nah, he's just another
white boy tryin' to get up in this game, tryin'
to play like he all that. He even tryin' to rap, yo!
And yeah, we peeped them films he made wit
them hos... yo slim, what them films called?...
Here they is... "From Russia With The Love
Bone"... whack... "The Bare Pimp Project"... yo
them bitches was nasty!... and "Greasy Trailer
Park Girls Gone Wild"... that one was a'ight. But
this fool tryin' to play like he hard? Nah, yo, we
ain't buhlee-dat. Know what we're sayin'?

J-Roc: You know'm sayin' everybody that walk
on the face of the Earth tryin' to judge the
J-ROC, know'm sayin'? See wha'm sayin'? But
I ain't shook, 'cause ma-fuckas tryin' to take me out and stuff, but they can't, right? Know'm sayin'?
Tyrone: You're sayin' "know what I'm sayin'" too many times! Eighty or ninety times? That's too many times! Once or twice is cool, but eighty or ninety times, man?!
J-Roc: What are you, from the Department of Know'm Sayin's? You takin' a Know'm census? You countin' my "Know'm Sayin's?" We're hangin' out, right?
Tyrone: Eighty or ninety times? That's too many "Know'm Sayin's," know'm sayin'?
J-Roc: See wha'm sayin' you're ridin' on my jock, you know'm sayin'? I'm just tryin' to have a good time, you know'm sayin'? and you're countin' my "Know'm Sayin's!"
Tyrone: That's too many times. Once or twice is cool, but eighty or ninety times, know'm sayin'? No...
J-Roc: How am I supposed to be myself when you're countin' my "Know'm Sayin's" all the time, you know'm sayin'?
Victoria: J-ROC, I think you're saying it way too much.
J-Roc: Sayin' what?

(Using his bling as a stethoscope on Randy's belly, pretending to give him an ultrasound) I hear chicken. I hear cola fizz, and mustard and relish coagulating together with french fries and onion rings, but you know what? I don't hear a heart, mothafucka.

What's up Gut Cassidy and the Sundance Cheeseburger?

(J-Roc and his boys are leaning against a car)
Trailer Park Supervisor Jim Lahey: It's time to move on, boys.
J-Roc: You mean, like, emotionally?

45. Captain Hazel Murphy (Sealab 2021)

Is there a crazier, more asinine, more senile man than Captain Murphy?
OK, so technically he's not a man, but he's animated as such. Don't get
technical with us. You wouldn't like us when we're technical. Oh, and the
question's rhetorical, as the obvious answer is no, there's not. Maybe
he's been underwater for too long. Maybe it's genetic. Maybe he's simply
testing everyone. Or maybe he's not actually Captain Murphy. Soak that
one in and let it marinate for awhile. Nonetheless, Captain Murphy or
doppelganger, he's one unbelievably funny character. Check it:

Marco: Calm down, I'll see what I can do about finding your little toy.
Captain Murphy: It's not a toy. It makes real cupcakes, with a 40
watt bulb, and there's icing packets. But the secret ingredient is love,
damn it.

Way to go Sparks, you broke the monitor and you're dead. Happy?

(After taking the experimental drug "Stimutax")
It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!

I dub thee, Sir Phobos, Knight of Mars, Beater of Ass. Be a hitter babe.

He killed for your sins.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I don't like greyhounds - too pointy.

(Sparks and Captain Murphy have gone to Hell for killing the Sealab crew)
Sparks: So how's the lava bath treating you?
Captain Murphy: Oh, you know, mind blowing pain.
Sparks: Oh yeah.
Captain Murphy: How about you?
Sparks: Oh? Ass full of red hot coals.
Captain Murphy: Ass full of red hot coals...
Sparks: Oh yeah.
Captain Murphy: Your entire ass, just packed full of red hot coals?
Sparks: Right to the rim, baby.
Captain Murphy: You lucky bastard.
Sparks: Yeah.

Captain Murphy: Do you want the mustache on or off?
Debbie: Off please.
Captain Murphy: Too bad.

46. Hugh Abbot (The Thick Of It)

Hugh is your classic foot-in-mouth sufferer (which may or may
not be cured by fast actin' Tinactin... our stupid Resident/intern
Ben is running a test right now), consistently getting himself
into quandaries which require the deftest touch to wriggle free
from... typically, with more consequences (throwing your friend
under the bus, alienating co-workers, etc...). You'd expect
more, wouldn't you, from the Secretary of State for Social
Affairs (and later, Social Affairs and Citizenship)? Anyway,
both the entry into and struggle free from said quandaries is
most entertaining to watch. The root of his problem... as we've
come to discover through a six-episode psychoanalysis,
apparently... is Hugh's utter lack of confidence. Always worried
about being replaced, always worried about saying the wrong
thing to the wrong person, always worried about the motive behind the nuance... and always assuming the worst. People like that are hilarious.

Hugh Abbot: Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30's, so it's great that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out.
Ollie Reeder: Absolutely. If you were doing this at the Department of Enviorment and Rural Affairs, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, probably at Coffee Republic.
Hugh Abbot: Covered in piss.

Hugh Abbot: I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't wanna see this guy ever again.
Glenn Cullen: On what grounds?
Hugh Abbot: Smiling! Innapropriate smiling! And smirking! Smiling and smirking! I don't wanna see that smile or smirk ever again, ok?

Hugh Abbot: So, how do we respond to this?
Terri Coverley: Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes... tittytwat.
Ollie Reeder: Is that honestly the best swearing you can come up with?
Glenn Cullen: This is a bucket of shit. If someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them. We start a shit fight. We throw so much shit at them, that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.
Hugh Abbot: That's top swearing Glenn, well done.

Claire Ballantine: Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before?
Hugh Abbot: No, No... I am not a liar! I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done.

47. Carl Brutananadilewski (Aqua Teen
Hunger Force)

TrunkBunker has known a few Brutananadilewskis over the years.
Let's see... there was Ivan (no relation), the reporter from a news
organization that will remain nameless (yes, we fear the power of
Google), asking us all those questions. He was a real dick. Oh,
and then there was Prudence (no relation), who used to shag our
flatmate Tremors back at Uni. She was, in his words, a "right
whore." And let's not forget Izzy (no relation), the money manager
who blew all of our Aunt's money on coke parties and clown school.
Good bloke, though. And Desiree (no relation), who used to live
seven doors down from us, went on to found a chain of stores
dedicated to collecting cigarette lighters, and staplers, and
ornaments, and other weird shit to collect. She's done well enough
to have a wing of eBay named after her. Marla (no relation) used to
work here at TrunkBunker HQ until she spurned our advances... uh,
you know, we better make that until she showed up drunk one too
many times... lawsuit's pending after all (and she was probably gay
anyway). And Dieter (no relation) was our nephew's, uncle's, wife's,
mother-in-law's, son's bookie, though he mostly went by Germish
(German/Polish, get it?). And then there was Florence, Major,
Tim-Tom, Dax, Roxie, Homer, Grayson, Lulu, Artemis, Morris, Mingo,
Markesha, Brutus, Duct Tape, Ophelia, Avis, Ogden, Minnie, Lexie, Denver, Ella, Iko, Giuseppe, Aloysius, Jagger, Keelie, Nietzsche, Phyllis, Quinlan, Thatcher, Denny, Van, (all no relation) and Carl, who we met at a Badfinger convention and seemed like a nice enough guy, especially considering he'd just finished off two bottles of Drano and three cheesesteaks. We cerainly agreed on one thing though... Badfinger kicks ass!

(After giving Meatwad a gift and being asked what the hell it is) Well, it's a fishing line. You can fold it up and put it in your... uh, I got about a hundred of them. They make pretty good gifts, if you, you know... don't give a crap about who you're givin' 'em to.

Look, all I know is that this cord here was plugged into my house, and your house was glowin' like the frickin' sun! So I put two and two together there hey, and decided that you're pissin' me off.

Look, I don't work my ass off for twenty hours a week so I can throw my money away, that's wasteful! These bills are strictly for me to kiss...and slip in some stripper's underwear, so come on!

Yeah, I can't pretend to know what you're going through right now, but�you let go, okay. Thank you. If you need anything, you know who to look to: Someone else.

Meatwad: Hey Carl.
Carl: Hey, hey, hey, just the man I wanted to see. I done heard through the grape vine that someone won a big prize recently.
Meatwad: Yup, I won two tickets to the Super Ball.
Carl: No, it's, it's bowl. It's cute that you said that 'cause you's a frickin' idiot.

Carl: Okay, time out here. Look, ever since my son was...never conceived since I've never had consensual sex without there being money involved, I've always thought of you as something that I could sorta...live next to...in accordance with state laws.
Meatwad: That's so sweet. You tryin' to say that you love me.
Carl: Whoa, let's not go too far there. (pause) WHO ARE YOU TAKING TO THAT FREAKIN' SUPERBOWL?!

Hey, there's a broad-there's a broad right the-Hey! Yeah you, dingbat! I wanna pitcher a beer, fried jalapenos, the nachos grande, and, uh, let's start with 50 wings extra hot and keep the ranch comin'. he he, you hear what I ordered? I'm gonna be fartin' blood over here.

48. Tim Bisley (Spaced)

Before there was Shaun of the Dead, before there was
Hot Fuzz, there was Spaced, Simon Pegg's ode to pop
culture, twenty-something slackering, science fiction,
comics, artists, Hollywood, relationships, electronica and
drugs. Grand in scope? Yes. Bitchin'? Yes. And Simon plays
Tim with a wonderful, seemingly contradictory combination
of bitterness, laziness, ambition and kindness. He's up,
he's down, he's all around. He has some bizarre fears,
such as lightning, bamboo, and dogs, not to mention his
fear of rejection, which frankly is not so bizarre. Do
characters get more complex and unique? We... OK, let's
get this straight. We're not really asking you these questions.
It's a thing we do, as writers, where we pose what's called a rhetorical question, and the idea is that you're not going to rudely interrupt us by answering it. Maybe it's our fault. Maybe we've given you more credit than you deserve. And yes, we suppose technically there could be a few more complex and unique characters, but Tim's in the upper echelons, and that's our point. It's a question posed to emphasize our point. And now we've lost our way here, plus we're pissed, so let's just get to the other stuff...

Daisy. Daisy Daisy Daisy. It's gonna be okay. Now have a big toke of this South African drug's reefer-style spliff doobie.

Daisy: So who was this girl then?
Tim: Her name was Cassandra, she was a psychic, she gave me her phone number...
(hands Daisy a piece of paper)
Daisy: That's OUR phone number.
Tim: Man, she's good.

Tim: You got mail today.
(hands him envelope)
Brian: It's open.
Tim: Yeah, I opened it because I thought it was mine since we both... have... I's... in our names.

Just... give me a reason. You think I'm unemotional, don't you? I can be emotional. Jesus, I cried like a child at the end of Terminator 2.

Bilbo Bagshot: What about the Ewoks? They were rubbish! You don't complain about them!
Tim: Yeah, but Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks looking like fucking Shaft.

Tim: Just... give it your best shot, OK?
Mike Watt: Can't you come in with me?
Tim: I'm not your dad, Mike! (pause) Here's your sandwiches. I'll pick you up at five.

49. Terry Bernadino (Reno 911)

So Terry is the effeminate (some would say gay, though he denies it),
possibly wealthy, drug-addled wastoid that the Reno 911 cops often
find themselves dealing with, mostly in regards to his behavior on Reno's
streets. The yarns he spins to extricate himself from potential arrest are
foolishly stupendous, and the root of the character's brilliance. Just blatant
hilarious lie after blatant hilarious lie after blatant hilarious lie. Like these,
For instance:

Deputy Raineesha Williams: (After she and Trudy respond to a lewd
behaviour complaint and find Terry on the sidewalk) Terry... why are you
here, and what are you doing?
Terry: I just flew in. I'm recording an album. It's called
Terry's.. South Bitch... Live.. Fuck You.. Dad. And it drops in 2009.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Hey Terry, Sherrifs Department!
Terry: Hey Guys!
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Hey.
Terry: Whats goin down?
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Well, I'll tell ya whats goin down Terry. You know
that they've installed a camera right here at this red light here?
Terry: Oh My god!
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Yeah, and it takes a picture whenever someone runs a red light.
Terry: Oh wow that's awesome. It's like the future.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: It is awesome.
Deputy Travis Junior: So you know why we're here.
Terry: Why was there a fire?
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: You've been chargin' three bucks, you run up when the car is at a red light, and you give a H.J. during the red light.
Terry: Oh my god, that sounds, that's not something that I would ever do.
Deputy Travis Junior: Except we've got about...
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: We got about 38 photos of you and that's only last night.
Terry: Well, I can see how you would think that, but I sell... oranges.
Deputy Travis Junior: You sell oranges?
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: You sell oranges?
Terry: Mm-hmm!
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: I'll take some.
Deputy Travis Junior: Yeah, I'd like some too.
Terry: I've sold out, I've sold out of my oranges... I run out and people are like beep-beep, I go okay, and say you're driving and I just put it in their laps.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Well...
Deputy Travis Junior: I dont know about that.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Come on Terry.
(Starts to cuff him to take him downtown)
Terry: I cant, I have to call my girlfriend... listen I don't even know what you're talking about.
(Lieutenant Jim Dangle begins tugging Terry away on his roller skates, which yes, he was wearing, by the way)
Deputy Travis Junior: We're talking about you giving hand jobs at three bucks a pop at this red light up here, that's what we're talking about.

Terry: I heard a rumor.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What's that, Ter?
Terry: Mexican werewolves are coming up from Mexico and selling crack.

Deputy Raineesha Williams: Thats not the only thing you're on. What else are you on, Terry?
Terry: I'm on fucking crack, yo!

50. Henchman #21 (The Venture Bros.)

Oh, we hear you snickering. We hear the murmuring and the
rumour-mongering. We hear your potshots and your jabs.
And with every one, we die a little. OK, so #21 is a sci-fi nerd.
And yes, maybe he's the slightest bit pathetic. And OK, so he
does wear a butterfly costume. But so? Technically, Philip K.
Dick and Isaac Asimov were sci-fi nerds too. They were also
brilliant. And if we're not mistaken, maybe Luke Skywalker
and Stephen Hawking are the slightest bit pathetic, and yet,
they're icons of our age. And... uh... well, he didn't have much
say on the costume. He does, after all, work for The Monarch.
So yes, mabye #21 reminds us of us a little bit. Poke fun, fine.
But be warned... #21 works for a villainous mastermind (as a
member of the menacing Fluttering Horde)... who's to say
we don't too? Oh, and remember... we're vindictive, and we
like our vengeance served painful, and malicious, and usually
in the area of the achilles. So you'd be advised to check under
your car before you get into it. Just a heads up.

Henchman #24: Come on! They have one female servicing
a large group of males. That implies a species that lays eggs.
Henchman #21: Oh my God, you're crazy! They're so
obviously mammals!
Henchman #24: Please! She'd be in estrus 24/7 if she didn't lay eggs.
Henchman #21: Smurfs don't lay eggs! I won't tell you this again! Papa Smurf has a fucking beard! They're mammals!

Dr. Venture: What am I supposed to do with these, tell their fortunes?
Henchman #21: They're Magic: The Gathering cards, not Tarot cards. You can toss them at their heads. Well, you catch a corner with one of those and they'll know what hit them.

Henchman #21: If I had a lady like your wife, I'd be with her right now... and I'd be brushing her hair, and then we'd explore our feelings.
Dr. Monarch: If you had a lady like my wife, you would be in an alternate universe, where dogs talk and birds have human pets.

Put in my mix tape, it's right on the dash. It's the one that says 'Chillin with my Peeps and My Main Man The Monarch.'