Ah fashion... she's a fickle, finicky lover who dazzles but frustrates, gives and takes,
shines but sometimes blinds... and yet here we are, adorning ourselves in her whimsy,
mindlessly falling in line with her decrees and proclamations of what's hot and what's not.
Her little secret, though... her dirty little secret... is that she can be a real bitch.
Take the 80's, for example. Cast a nervous eye back at the photos of yourself... why would
she do that to us? What gives? Surely we never deserved to be humiliated in such a manner?
And yet, she did it anyway. Hence, the only conclusion... she can be a cruel, sadistic bitch.
Oh, and were you a team of sportsmen/women during these fashion famines, well, prepare to
be embarrassed.
As an aside, hockey, with it's infinite compassion, creates many jerseys as special one-off,
occasional releases, then gives the proceeds from the sales of these unique specimens to charity.
It was our intention to discount these efforts, as almost all of them were only worn once,
but we simply could not. We've limited their appearances, but you will quickly understand why
they were included.
Bottom 50 Kits/Jerseys/Uniforms
1. Hull City A.F.C.
Grrrrr....
2. Jorge Campos (Mexico Football Team)
Where to begin? Actually, let's not. We'll just sit back and
enjoy your reactions to these modern day twisted Picassos.
3. Norwich City F.C.
From twisted Picassos to a sad Pollack
4. San Francisco Spiders
Oh shit, they got ahold of the bad acid.
5. Adler Mannheim
NEIN!
6. Dundee United F.C.
True story (and by "true story", typically we mean
"outright lie"... here is no different), these were once
simple white shirts, until they were washed with Alex
Ferguson's soul... which ran.
7. Austin Ice Bats
Eyesore doesn't go far enough. Our eyes are more
than sore... they didn't work for three days. How about
eye-eradicator. No too wordy. Eye-searing-pain? Eh,
we'll get back to you.
8. England Football Team
OK, so it's a keeper's jersey. It's still ass ugly, right?
9. Milwaukee Admirals
We're not sure what this monstrosity's supposed to be...
some sort of Hawaiian take on their regular jerseys. It,
uh, it didn't work.
10. VfL Bochum
They shot for the stars but dug a hole in the ground. Happens.
11. Quad City Mallards
Didn't Seinfeld wear this shirt?
12. The Caribous of Colorado
That's right, frilly leather fringe. Who wouldn't think that
was a great idea?
13. Quad City Mallards
That's right, our first repeater... and we're just
sure you understand why that is.
14. Louisville River Frogs
Here's some advice Louisville... horrible design aside, a
"river frog" can't be made menacing, no matter the level
of frown or teeth-gnashing worked into the logo. It can't
be done. It's like the Lakers or the Red Sox... inherently,
not intimidating. Don't try and make it so.
15. Nuremberg Ice Tigers
Sadly, now known as the Sinupret Ice Tigers, named after
a product their sponsors own. And no, it's no longer
"Mister Lady Jeans", though were they the Mister Lady
Jeans Ice Tigers, we're pretty sure we could set aside
our morals and get behind that team... uh, in front of
that team... uh... well, we could root for them.
16. Scunthorpe United F.C.
OK, so, this shirt is from 1994, which brings us to the
conclusion that the early 1990's were every bit as poor,
fashion-wise, as the 1980's.
17. A.F.C. Ajax
Really, what did you expect from a shirt circa 89-90? It
straddles the end and the beginning of the worst decades for
fashion in, well, in history.
18. Barcelona F.C.
Ah, where would we be on this list without geometric
shapes?
19. Portland Winter Hawks
AKA "The Exploding Chicken".
20. Richmond Renegades
When the Target logo is the best thing going for you,
you got issues.
21. Zurich Lions
Is that an albino lion? Seems mighty pale to us, though,
to be fair, a lion in Switzerland probably would be on
the lighter side.
22. Nuremberg Ice Tigers
Probably the good people at Mister Lady Jeans demanded
bold designs. We hope, since the club from Nuremberg
frequents this list.
23. Arsenal F.C.
Again, the early 90's (1993, to be exact) makes it's point.
24. Mississippi Sea Wolves
We see the lights across the front of this one-off Christmas
shirt, and we can't help but think "Clap if you love Dynamo!"
25. Sacramento Geckos
Hard to blame them, as clearly the tear in the space-time
continuum went right through the shirt as they were designing
it. That's just bad luck.
26. Shimuzu S-Pulse
The Japanese design template has been described as "busy".
We don't see it... wait... oh, there it is. The trick is to
not look at it in too much detail, but rather step back and
see the thing as a whole. Yup, it's busy.
27. Charlotte Checkers
We can't be certain on the genesis of the nickname
"Checkers", but if we had to educatedly guess, we'd
say it has something to do with both the act of
"checking" one into the boards (a common tactical
approach in hockey), and the fact that Charlotte is
the epicenter of all things Nascar, which is renowned
for it's "checkered flag". How a giant polar bear comes
into play, we're not sure, though it may have something
to do with their, um, personalities.
28. Orlando Predators
Wethinks there are much more ferocious predators
than zebras. Unless you're talking Ed Hochuli. Don't
mess with that guy.
29. Anaheim Mighty Ducks
Howard the Duck's worst nightmare.
30. Syracuse Crunch
After careful research, we've found that Crunch Man's
kryptonite is taste.
31. Topeka Scarecrows
We're not sure it would scare a crow, but it scares
the crap out of us.
32. Pensacola Ice Pilots
So, do they fly planes made of ice? Or, do they navigate
the icy plains of Florida's panhandle? Are they themselves
made of ice? Basically... what the fuck is an ice pilot?
33. York City F.C.
Alas, they hadn't ordered enough of the red fabric to
finish the kits, so they had to plead with the York Raceway
for some spare materials. Didn't turn out well.
34. Everton F.C.
If they were going for the illusion of a lousy 80's
geometric vest... success!
35. Celtic F.C.
Their away shirt from 91-92, but a prescient look
ahead to the current markets, graph-style.
36. Brantford Smoke
Where there's fire, there's smoke? That seems true,
right? Why so under-used as a cliche'? We'll get
right on it.
37. Stockport County F.C.
Has the zig-zag worked any time, anywhere? We'd like
to know. Seriously. Help us out.
38. Salt Lake Golden Eagles
If there's anything we've learned thus far, it's that
feathers = bad. Take this forward, shirt designers. And
while we'll give you the rabid eagle in the center is
menacing, it's also very, very stupid.
39. Toronto Raptors
Check out the raptor playing hoops. Didn't see that on
Jurassic Park.
40. St. Louis Blues
Oooh, it's sharp. Or flat. Or something. It sounds like shit.
41. Madison Monsters
Purple. Teal. Pinstripes. Nothing about that says
"fashionable jersey". But they went ahead with it
anyway. Good for them.
42. Abilene Aviators
We can't be sure, but it seems like the logo and the
red/black trim might ruin the effects of the camouflage.
Unless they're playing in a very strange rink indeed.
43. Charlotte Checkers
Maybe, instead of the checkered flag pattern, they should
go with more of a checkerboard thing. Wider spaces. Less...
sucky.
44. Calgary Flames
The partial stripe is bad enough, but to clash the colours
so strikingly? Bold, to be sure, but ultimately, crappy.
45. Birmingham Barracudas
A Canadian league team in Alabama? And it didn't work?
Was it the jerseys?
46. Chicago White Sox
Taken alone, the shirts themselves aren't that bad. Sure, the
butterfly collar is a little campy, but as an ensemble? And shorts?
Tres mal!
47. Kokudo Bunnies
Yes, that's a smiling bunny on the front of the shirt. That's
really all we can, or need to, say.
48. Wichita Thunder
That would hurt. We're sure of it.
49. San Antonio Iguanas
Again with the feathers. Again with the bad.
50. (tie) Milwaukee Admirals
That's right, plaid on a hockey shirt.
50. (tie) Orlando Thunder
The design itself isn't so bad, but oh, the colours...
50. (tie) Huntsville Channel Cats
Yes, we feel the love in the air... we're just not so sure
that's a good thing.
50. (tie) F.C. Fossombrone
Uno... dos... tres... CATORCE!
50. (tie) Mission Militia
In fairness, they had to go straight from the game to the
Academy awards, to accept supporting actor awards for
their roles in Airborne. It's a classic.
50. (tie) Peoria Rivermen
Obviously, a one off, but a hilariously horrible one. And is
that Quagmire?
50. (tie) Spokane Chiefs
Unlike the camouflage effort from the Abilene Admirals,
this one might actually work on the ice.
50. (tie) Werder Bremen
What's with the green mess in the middle? Is there a meaning
behind the shape? Is it just some random 90's geometry?
50. (tie) Milwaukee Admirals
Particularly popular with their traveling slacker-fans.
